Wednesday, October 29, 2003
So young!
Hannah, I just heard (well, read) the news. I'm sorry. *tear*
R.I.P. Frog.
Make sure your dad is being a good support for MommaCat, Dweezle, and Max.
8:26 PM
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Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Call me and sing me this song.
Yesterday
I know you're happy when you smile
I know it's taken me awhile
I know I'm going out of style
10,000 miles from you
But everything is still O.K.
'Cause I'm closer everyday
Which is more than I would have to say
If I was next to you
Think of all the times and places
Step across the open spaces, that lead back to you
And you know that I won't let you go
Sometimes so near and now so far
Retrace the paces that have brought me here
Close my eyes and move along
Thinking, looking, hoping that I'll find a way
You know, that I, can't stop counting all the days
That you're not here to say
You know I miss you more
More than yesterday
I know sometimes that in my past
Lost direction had to ask
I know I wouldn't ever last
Without you
But everything is still O.K.
'Cause I'm closer everyday
Which is more than I would have to say
If I was next to you
What can I do?
Think of all the times and places
Step across the open spaces, that lead back to you
And you know that I won't let you go
Sometimes so near and now so far
Retrace the paces that have brought me here
Close my eyes and move along
11:13 AM
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Monday, October 27, 2003
To You
Dear Daddy,
Today is your anniversary. I wish I knew words to say that would express how much I miss you, but I know if you could hear me then you already know. I love you more now than I ever have and that love will never go away. You're the most amazing person I could have ever dreamed to be my father, and there isn't anything I would rather have than the memories of you.
More than anything, though, I would love to hug you one last time and let you see how much I really love you. I don't remember the last time I told you so and had to hear it with your living ears, and that scares me. It's only been a year. I know I've told you hundreds of times since, but you're not here to listen. I wish I could go visit your gravesite right now and fall asleep underneath the layers of soil where you are. I remember times and times of falling asleep cuddled up with you on our couch, and it's sad to know that I don't have that option anymore.
This all sounded much more poetic when I planned it before I started writing, and then forgot once I sat down to type.
Now all I have is emotion flowing from my fingertips into these words. I can only close my eyes and picture your face and talk to you through the hole in my heart that you left me. I couldn't thank anyone else enough for giving me the childhood that I had, and I owe half of it to you and half of it to Mom. You remind me to tell Mom all the time. I do.
I don't write this so much for myself or for you as I do for her. There is nothing that I would love for you to do more than look into her eyes and know that you were her one and only love. You still are. She will never be able to have a connection that she had with you with anyone else. Anna and I, who were once living inside of her, will never be and were never as complete with her as you were. As you still are. Everything that I will try to do now is to protect her from thinking she's alone now that you're gone. I promise you that I will do my best to be a good daughter to her.
But this isn't about her right now, it's about you. I've made it through my first year. I've lived every day remembering you and being who I am because of you. I am a living reminder of how beautiful a person you are.
R.I.P., Daddy, and I promise I will revise this letter every day in my mind until it is perfect, and then I will bury it with you in body. It is already with you in spirit.
Don't forget me, because I will never forget you.
All my love,
Nora
12:37 AM
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Saturday, October 25, 2003
Definition of Power
Reed mentioned that he's going to see Rufus Wainright in December, and I asked if he would hump his leg for me. He said yes. This led to:
Nora: I can hump the legs of all the gay men I want vicariously through you
Nora: ;-)
Reed: You got it
Reed: Just point and I'll hjump
Nora: ooooo that's power
12:06 PM
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Friday, October 24, 2003
long few days...
So I get an IM a few hours ago, and who is it but everyone's favorite Micah?? Apparently he spend his evening drunk doing his thermodynamcis homework. Apparently he hasn't gotten around to getting rid of his girlfriend yet even though he really doesn't like her. I told him to call me when he gets drunk tomorrow for entertainment value, and he called a few minutes ago. He had to pee and took the phone into the bathroom with him.
It's times like these that I really love people.
In other news, everyone should watch the movie 101 Reykjavik. It's in Icelandic and English, but the plotline is fucked up beyond belief. In short, what would you do if you're a guy and you sleep with this woman, and then find out the next day that the woman you just slept with and impregnated is in love with your mother? And they're going to raise the child as their own? So now your son is your brother. I thought that only happens in Alabama, but apparently I'm wrong. I kind of gave away the entire movie, but you should see it anyway. It makes you want to bang your head against a wall, but in a good way.
12:48 AM
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Tuesday, October 21, 2003
For Suhail
OneThumb7 (10:51:45 PM): It'd be great if you cheated on an ethics test
9:54 PM
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Friday, October 17, 2003
Doormat Issues?
Do you think it's funny when you lie to me? Do you honestly thing I'm not going to find out? I have eyes and ears all over this campus; we have enough mutual friends that I can find out what you really mean. I hate these nights when I change my plans for you as a surprise because I think you need it and you ended up lying and I get to sit at home crying about it. I hate how I can't talk to you about it because if I get mad, you're not going to fight for me. I know there's only one person with which you would never stand to lose friendship, and I know I'm not her. If I got mad enough that I wouldn't want to talk to you, and gave you one-worded answers for a week like you do so often to me, you wouldn't try. You would leave and add me to your list of friends that gave up on you, since you claim there are so many.
We really can't go a week without doing something like this to each other.
Maybe I haven't been the best of friends to you. Maybe this is all a fantasy of the moment. Maybe I spend so much time with myself thinking and worrying about you that I forget that I don't do so good a job of showing it, and you don't believe me when I talk. I'm not lying when I say I'd do anything for you. I'm not trying to be fakely sympathetic when I get quiet when you're upset because I want to engulf you and make everything hurting you disappear. Because I think you're worth it. You could be reading this right now, which you aren't I'm sure, and think I'm making this all up. Because you won't believe anyone when they say you mean something to them. And it isn't fair.
It just kills that you don't care half as much about this friendship as I do. And I care a hell of a lot. And you don't. Maybe I'm wrong about this too, but maybe you need to do something to tell me. Our communication lines are always shot. We jumped into this friendship with me caring so much about you and never knowing what to do. You never tell me what you want. You expect me to know, and I didn't and still don't. Maybe that means we're not the perfect friends, but at least I try. But I've just about reached my quota for you for the time being...
They say they're worried about how far in I am with you. I thought they were just being silly because they don't see what I see in you; I'm not sure anyone here does. I just refuse to be the one who gives up. I can be as stubborn as you. But maybe they're right. Maybe I am in way over my head. Maybe you should give me some feedback. Deep in my heart I know I'm not wasting my time, but that's getting really hard to listen to.
11:51 PM
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Monday, October 13, 2003
Sleaze Wrap
It feels like the night for this:
12:59 AM
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Saturday, October 11, 2003
Rare Occasions
I just want to start this off by saying that I'm really really sad that I can only come to this revelation while Under the Influence. I really hope I'm typing correctly. Tonight is the night that Summer says is the drunkest she's ever been. When Summer gets drunk, she gets painfully honest. It's weird that she can only get that honest when she's drunk, but it's nice to hear sometimes. I went outside with her and Mona and she gave us the longest speech about how she talks about transferring all the time but could never do it because she knows us as the friends that she'll love for the rest of her life and as the ones who will care for her as long as we still exist. It's overwhelmingly comforting. I've been freaking out the past few weeks about how I don't think I belong here and how all my friends are [obviously] lying to me through our friendship and then tonight I get this speech that makes me stop dead in my tracks and realize how wrong I am. My friends here really do love me. I'm really more delusional than I think and that's sad.
For the first time in a long long time, I'm going to bed saying: I love everybody. You're all my friends and I know you love me and I love you immensely for it. No joke.
2:12 AM
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Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Trying to stop the madness
I think I should stop reading books like Invisible Monsters over and over again because all it's doing to me is making me believe strong as ever that no one is ever going to love me again.
This past week hasn't even been bad and I'm still convinced. My homework for physics is due on Wednesdays at 8:00 AM so Tuesday night we had a study party in the ITS center. I kept one eye on my work and one eye on the clock making sure when midnight hit; missed it by 10 minutes and ran to call our room and wish Mona a happy birthday. I was so mad I wasn't in the room to give her a hug, but I made it half an hour late.
Over the weekend I went home to help Mom move, and pretty much spent the weekend with Elliot. There's so much that I wish I knew how to say to him, and I said most of it, but sometimes that doesn't feel like enough. He's one of the only friends I've got that I really could spend all day every day with and not get that feeling that I have to get out. He doesn't bore me. We spend a good amount of time Saturday evening in his basement while he played guitar and I read depressing books while listening 'cause he gets self-conscious when people watch (which turned out to be wrong). But it was good. I really like listening to him.
Surprisingly I wasn't too sad to leave. I had been looking forward to that trip for weeks 'cause it's so overwhelming living here sometimes, but I guess I'm happy to be back. Elliot gives good hugs. I didn't attempt a kiss because I knew it wasn't going to happen, and so, after I finished the book, all I could remind myself was that when he kissed me it was just because we were both lonely. We were never meant for it. And that makes me sad because I am really happy with him. Comfortable. But no. I'm not meant for anyone and that's that. Case closed.
1:14 PM
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