Wednesday, March 31, 2004
I can't think 'cause I'm way too tired
Who would have thought that I, in fact, can't keep talking myself into thinking this is going to do anything besides eventually letting me down? I'm trying to come to terms, after reading your journal, and convince myself that it won't happen since you don't want it to happen, and doing whatever I can to not break down. I'm sorry I got us into this.
4:40 PM
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Monday, March 29, 2004
the pain in your soul was the same as the one down in mine
The sky should stay that kind of deep vibrant blue; so much so that every other color in front of it contrasts with stark beauty. I can only walk home looking up; tracing outlines of branches against the blue, seeing the microscopic lines where the tree ends and the sky begins. Sometimes, I think I've missed the subtle beauty of the world.
The physicist Richard Feynman used to make a joke about a posteriori conclusions, as they are called. "You know, the most amazing thing happened to me tonight," he would say. "I saw a car with the license plate ARW 357. Can you imagine? Of all the millions of license plates in the state, what was the chance that I would see that particular one tonight? Amazing!" His point, of course, was that it is easy to make any banal situation seem extraordinary if you treat it as fateful."
-Bill Bryson, A Short History of Nearly Everything
10:00 PM
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Friday, March 26, 2004
Why can't I get my girl back?
When you came back to the room, gave me that half-smile, said, "I hope you weren't thinking naughty thoughts," I couldn't say anything. I just want to let you know that I wasn't. I was concentrating that whole time on how happy I am to have a best friend who I'm so comfortable with and who's comfortable enough with me to be able to walk into his room and have neither of us bat an eye at how his pants came off first, then shirt, then to shower. That there was no tension. I have a hard time reading into things you say to look for whether or not you're okay with this friendship; to find out why you're friends with me in the first place. I've taught myself to look at the little things. That you trust things not to get weird when you're walking around in boxers. That you're the only one I let touch my stomach. That you trust falling asleep next to me; when you're at a point when I can do anything to you, but I don't. I wouldn't do anything except watch, and remind myself that you're you and you're with me, and wonder more and more what it is about me that keeps you here. I wonder the same regarding everone, but I dunno...I guess I just haven't found an answer yet.
12:30 AM
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Wednesday, March 24, 2004
wordless
We can talk in whispers while listening to the steady of your heartbeat, and we can say things that we mean because this is when it's important. Now there's silence, not even those whispers to make tiny vibrations; no voice, just air and breath. I feel safe with you. It doesn't matter that I miss him; that he'll never see how I turn out (that I'll ever know about), that he'll never know that either of them [any of us] turned out alright. That he was a success. It doesn't matter because I'm with you. You're keeping me sane. You're keeping me from losing it. There's still whispering, breathing words, to make the silence quieter. I'm so far gone that I can't process what I'm saying anymore, at least not while it still matters. I'm so far gone that I can't handle anything, let alone my best friend hating me.
I don't know if I can deal with being out here - so far gone, let alone being able to come back.
12:05 AM
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Sunday, March 21, 2004
someone to love me...
Somebody tell me
How could there be nobody
To love me
And it’s driving me crazy
There’s nobody to love me
-Moloko, Forever More
9:12 PM
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But I love you, Whatever that means
I don't know what to say. I know what I feel about you and I want to say that I know what's in your heart and in your mind, but I really don't. I'm just scared. With everything that's been happening....I just don't want it to stop. But I'm scared that it'll have to. I just can't deal with the thought of hearing you say that you regret it. That you regret me. I never want to be something that you wish never happened. Because I wanted this with all of my heart And you granted that wish. So if you want to take it away.... then it's gone and I'm back to empty. I want to be so much for you and I don't know how to deal with breaking.
I need you to talk to me, to tell me that either I'm right or, best-case scenario, that I'm crazy and this will have its fairy-tale ending. The choice is yours, just let me know.
4:26 PM
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Friday, March 19, 2004
I can't do everything, but I'd do anything for you
As a thank you, I'm saying that sitting in a dark room trying my best not to cry any harder than I already am doesn't seem as bad when you're sitting next to me with your arm around my shoulders, hugging me as best you could while sitting in that position, and telling me that it's okay. You're a much better friend to me than anyone else sees, and if I go crazy defending you then I'll welcome it with open arms.
You asked me during our last argument what it is about you that makes you so special, and I still don't think I have words for it. But I've been thinking about that question ever since, and I'm working on my list. I've just found myself thinking about you a lot lately, and I don't want to have to stop. You made me the happiest I've been in a long time yesterday, then even moreso an hour ago with your call. I know how much you hate the phone, and I was serious when I said I can't stop smiling.
So this is your thank you. I can't wait for you to come back, even though it's only a little over a day.
6:04 PM
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Monday, March 15, 2004
I woke up inbetween a memory and a dream
Yesterday I was checking away messages as usual, and, as she was in the midst of signing off, I clicked on Eleanor's name, which I'd normally skip over anyway 'cause she has nothing in her profile and she wasn't away. Lo and behold, though, she has up a link advertised as her livejournal. Naturally, I go. She's just started it. That was her first entry. I've checked it a bunch of times since, but nothing new as of yet.
From what she's said, she and Jay have split up, she has Sophia, their daughter, who she loves dearly. She is engaged to someone named John. I just can't get her out of my head now...I know everything I went through with her was hell, but we did have some good times, I guess. I remember when she pulled me out of the student center during finals week sophomore year to tell me about when her boyfriend cheated on her with her best friend's girlfriend; crying the whole time. I cared that she was upset; I still care that he hurt her.
And then the tables turned. Things were wonderful between us until she graduated. Things were even fine soon thereafter, after she got dumped by the first boyfriend she really loved and didn't just keep around to manipulate, and was teaching herself again how to be okay on her own. She'd pick me up from school and I'd help her cope with things. She'd dye my hair. We'd watch weird videos. Then I tried dating her and everything went bad. I won't go into the details of the story 'cause I think everyone's heard it (and if you haven't just ask me, it's devilish). It just hurt so much....it was too easy to cut her out of my life point blank. She tried apologizing a few months later, and it was all I could do to walk away while she teared up on the lawn in front of ETHS because I didn't want to be sucked back in to her manipulation. I was so convinced that she was only crying because she wanted to use me more, not because she was actually sorry.
I remember how I felt when I first heard that she was pregnant...and how I reacted when Sophia was born...it was so hard to believe that she was mature enough to be a mother, but she's doing okay. And I thought things were going to be better for her because she was so happy with Jay, but...I dunno. I know she still talks to Grant, which is good; more than I can say. He's such a stronghold; she's lucky to have him. But I just can't help wondering if it's time to see her again. I avoided contact with her for so long....
I think I just want to know that she's okay. If I knew how she was doing and honestly thought that she's stronger than she was when I knew her, I'd be okay with the way I cut her out. Seeing her do well without me. And I know how to see through her bullshit; I've had some good practice. So if she says she's okay and I can see she isn't, I'm at a point where I can suck up knowing that it still hurts the way she burnt me and be there for her. In some ways I still miss her. She'd listen to me when I talked to her. She has this incredible way of making you feel like you're the most important, most beautiful person alive when she smiles at you. And I know it's a lie because she does it to everyone, and I could see in her eyes when she was doing it to someone else in front of me when I was supposed to be her Most Important, but when you're the center of her attention...it's like magic. It's like everything's okay, even if for that one moment.
I don't really know the point of this anymore...I just know I'm going to give her a call when I'm home over summer break. I'd love to see her face; I'd love to hear her talk to me when it's just the two of us out for coffee. None of her other lackeys. Nothing. I think there's still some part of her that will always confide in me, but I don't really have any basis for this feeling. I can just tell. I think I have a lot of pent up feelings about her because none of our once mutual friends like her, let alone talk to her, anymore besides Grant, who I've fallen out of contact with. I think talking to her would be the only way I get some kind of un-biased account of her - everyone else writes her off too easily and it was fair three years ago when she burnt everyone and moved on from us, but that was three years ago. It's a new era and I'd like to see what it's brought.
9:33 PM
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Sunday, March 14, 2004
so over there, so everywhere
The rest of the week is kind of a blur 'cause a) I'm a crappy host and didn't want to do any of the touristy crap 'cause I don't care about seeing the Aquarium or Field Museum as much as I like wandering around downtown and b) I felt bad going on the computer instead of chillin' with Summer so I didn't come back and update before now (I"m back at the UR).
As far as I can remember: Monday: went to the post office to mail a birthday package to my sister, then had lunch at Pine Yard (suck on that a while, Mike), then sat at home 'till Mom got home from work and went out to dinner in Greektown, went to walmart (the free freakshow in Chicago), and showed up on Elliot's doorstep because it's near impossible to get ahold of him.
Tuesday: THE day in the city. We took the train down at like 10am, and got off at the art institute. We saw the mini rooms, photography wing, and impressionist wing. Went to the shop and bought weird shit for people. We then wandered around Grant Park for a bit and decided we were gonna go to the observation deck of the Sears Tower so we walked over there, saw that it was 10 bucks to go up, said 'fuck it' and went to the gift shop instead. Took the train down a little farther to Chinatown, went to some weird little giftshop and wandered around. Then came back to Evanston and went to dinner with Mom. (Mind you, all of our evenings include sitting around watching weird/bad movies on TNT or TBS)
Wednesday: went back to school so Summer could show off her newfound knowledge of Chicago to Munro, when that wore out we saw Nannini for a bit, then took Mom's car and went home. Bunny came over that night & we went to Gullivers & watched the Craft. He still had his arm in the splint, which is hilarious 'cause he was sooo sure I wouldn't get a chance to make fun of him for breaking it. I win.
Thursday: Took mom to work so I could have the car all day & we went to Mitsuwa. Then EB so I could buy N64 games (success!). That's kind of it.
Friday: Belmont with Elliot. Boystown afterwards. I got more obnoxious cards and a Dirty Dancing shirt. Huzzah Ragstock. Went to dinner at Dave's then out to see Starsky and Hutch, which is excellent, in case you were wondering.
Saturday: late brunch with Mom, Nikki, and Bree, who got in town Friday night and who I really wanted to see before we left. Yay for my sister & her lady, yay for Walker Brothers' pancakes. Summie and I went to see Secret Window with Mom afterwards, then straight to the train station. Mind you, the train ride back was much better than the train ride home, and Sam was on our train so he stopped by to talk to us about break.
Sunday: Summer woke me up at around 6:30 to tell me to call Josh about picking us up, so I called his cell and his room and got no answer at either. Thankfully he's a good person and was waiting for us at the station. He didn't talk to us the whole way home, but everyone was tired so it didn't seem ackward, I guess. We left under tension and I thought the break would do us a little good, 'cause I know I missed him while I was away. From the looks of thigns, though, he's still tired of me, and my absense had no effect on his life. Which saddens me, but I can't make anyone feel anything for me. That all has to come from them.
Good lord I need a shower.
11:59 AM
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Sunday, March 07, 2004
home
In a few quick words:
The train ride sucked, although the guy I was forced to sit next to (they put Summer and I on different cars) looked...interesting so that held my attention for a little while. I listened to my "My Love Life as a Mix" cd and got really lonely by the second song "Kiss the Girl," which was, you know, bound to happen. I feel asleep around "I Wanna Be There" and kept waking up during the night/morning. I recognized where I was by going through Gary, Indiana, which is the worst place on earth, and the train was too late for Bunny to pick us up (but yay for him trying), so we took the northwesterner home. We then showered, chilled, then walked over to the high school in hopes of stealing mom's car, having me show summer around town, then picking up mom as she realized her car was gone. We thought that would be the funniest way of surpring her, but we couldn't find the car. So we had to go inside and just kind of waltzed into her office. She was happy. Summer met Mr. Munro, too, who's been dying to meet her....what a weird character.
Friday night was my grampa's birthday so we had dinner over there. I didn't know my cousin Alexa was going to be in town but she was, and it was awesome...My grampa apparenly is just like her grampa except cultured, so Summer took to him instantly...it was a good dinner. Then Gabe and Bunny came over. Gabe was being...Gabe...and kept drinking 2 liter bottles of water and not peeing so that when he finally did go to the bathroom after holding it for as long as possible, it would be better than sex.
...
Yeah. Yesterday we just hung out; I drove Summer down LakeShore Drive to see the city and the northshore so she kinda got the full tour. Then we went out to dinner with momma, got smooties at Jamba Juice, and watched the second half of Rush Hour, then Grind, then Trading Spaces until I passed out. Very low-key.
I woke up around 4:30 this morning with shooting pain in my lower back, and it prevented me from going back to sleep until around 6, which sucked. Alas, I still woke up before Summer and came here to do this and talk to Josh and Mona. I hope you guys are doing alright, and I'll talk to you soon since you're supposed to call me when you get your games tomorrow. I miss you both. *hugs*
And tonight is Too Much Light! Wooo!
1:51 PM
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Thursday, March 04, 2004
You look like you're lots of fun....
Walking out of class yesterday, I came close to closing my eyes and trying to picture myself flying. Smiling under the absense of stress; wind blowing at my face and then swirling past me in a rainbow of invisibility. My arms are outstretched at my sides, feeling the waves over them. My body is one straight line; toes are pointed. My head is tilted back as I soar above campus, above everything, into an unknown, blissful oblivion.
Then I realized I was walking home, opened the door to my room, and felt no different.
6:32 PM
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Monday, March 01, 2004
You know who I am, so don't treat me like I'm someone else
I had a minor lapse in the past few years until today in my appreciation for Tom Petty and his album that is the soundtrack to She's The One. I remember one day in high school flipping through the channels and stopping on this shitty romantic comedy starring Jennifer Aniston (that speaks truthfully for the quality of this movie), and actually stopping. STOPPING ON JENNIFER ANISTON. I recognized the song in the background, as I'd heard the album a million times without ever having the interest in seeing the movie. Justly so. I spent the evening studying for solids and downloading the album. :-)
Change The Locks
I changed the lock on my front door
So you can't see me anymore
And you can't come inside my house
And you can't lie down on my couch
I changed the lock on my front door
I changed the number on my phone
So you can't call me up at home
And you can't say those things to me
That make me fall down on my knees
I changed the nunmber on my phone
Cause I changed the kind of car I drive
So you can't see me when I go by
And you can't chase me up the street
And you can't knock me off of my feet
I changed the kind of car I drive
I changed the kind of clothes I wear
So you can't find me anywhere
You can't spot me in a crowd
And you can't call my name out loud
I changed the kind of clothes I wear
I changed the tracks underneath the train
So you can't find me ever again
And you can't trace my path
And you can't hear me laugh
And honey I'm laughing all the time
I changed the name of this town
So you can't follow me down
And you can't touch me like before
And you can't make me want you more
I changed the name of this town
I changed the lock on my front door
I changed the number on my phone
I changed the kind of car I drive
I changed the kind of clothes I wear
I changed the tracks underneath the train
I changed the name of this town
I changed the name of this town
I've also found recently that part of my nightly routine while going to sleep is imagining you laying next to me. Not in any way sexual, as I'm 95% over that, but it's comforting. To hear your heart beat as I drift into unconsciousness for a few hours; to feel your breath on my forehead (since you're almost always my pillow). It helps me get to sleep, and now I see myself planning asking you sometime to take a nap with me, just to feel what it's really like.
7:55 PM
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