----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."


























 
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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.


























Blind Eyes Closed
 
Tuesday, December 31, 2002
 
I just told Michael that all I really need right now is to go to sleep for a very long time and forget about everything. And I mean that to the fullest. For the past few days I've been with the people I've missed for months, and it's been making me depressed. I realized why only tonight - we're not the same. We may still mean a lot to each other and love each other like sisters and we'll always be there for each other, but none of us is the same person he/she was 6 months ago. I look around me all the time and see how everyone has changed, and it scares me. When you're at school and you think of being with your friends from home, you don't take it into consideration how much things will be different. And that makes me sad.

I see it most with Grant. For as long as I could remember with him, it had been him and me. And we were impenetrable, and it was perfect. This time, though, I wasn't his main reason for wanting to come home. He's a godfather now. He has Sofia in his life. Eleanor means more to him than ever. I don't blame him for only seeing me twice in two weeks, I blame circumstance. Things have changed. Everyone is older. While most people have grown in their time away from Evanston, I think I've regressed more than anything else. I hate it. One more thing to focus on next semester, I guess.

Hannah said that at school, you can interact honestly with other people because you have nothing that goes back for years to mess up, and she said that's what she likes about it. I can't understand that, either. I have relied on these years and the friendly faces all my life, and when I'm in Rochester they're all gone, scattered about the country. I don't have anything to fall back on when I make a bad impression or a fight occurs. I have to start from scratch every day. I understand now why college makes people grow up so fast - everyone is out for themselves. You have to watch everything you do to make sure you don't mess it up, because this really is forever. There's no going back.
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