----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."


























 
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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.


























Blind Eyes Closed
 
Monday, December 30, 2002
 
I'm tired of everything. Grant completely blew me off yesterday to spend time he felt he had to spend with her. He made such a big deal about spending equal amounts of time with the two of us, but so far, he's seen me once, blew me off twice, and spent every other day with her. Does this sound equal to you? And I feel bad bitching about it. I know she means a lot to him, especially now that he's the godfather and such. He really does have sentimental attachment to her. And hanging out with my friends will automatically ensue being mean to her. It's not a good place for him. But that doesn't mean I think it's okay that he blows me off so much. He'll have even more time to see her since he's blowing me off for New Years and I'm leaving the 1st for sunny California and he'll be here for four more days.

I think what I'm really afraid of is losing him. I don't want to take the backseat to her. Even so close as a year ago, I was in shotgun with him and Erik, and then Mary came along and I lost that position. I'm used to it now; I'd always been able to use him as my backup. One of those "well, I'm still most important to Grant, so I'm still worth it. Nothing has really changed. I still matter." But now I'm losing him too. I don't want this to be a competition between me and her for his attention. If I were to meet her now I wouldn't want to be her friend. No one has ever made me want to run from a room the way she does. Well maybe. James was pretty bad.

Either way, I'm sick of losing. I want to matter to people. I want to be important. I don't want to have to wait for a day when she gets sick of him before I can have a moment where I can see him. That's not the way friendships work. I really just wish I could explain this to him and make it logical. I want him to understand. And I really want to stop crying.
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