Monday, February 24, 2003
Ironically, last night I had the craziest urge to write, and the site was down. I ended up writing in a paper journal (what, NOT on a computer?!?), rocking back and forth the whole time and periodically staring off into space biting the end of my pen. I wrote about five pages this way.
To add to the excitement, Josh was in my room at the time. Turns out he used to play the same internet game that Mona "works" for now, and they talked about it for what seemed like a lifetime, the whole time me slipping into my other dimension. Neither of them noticed until Josh came over to my desk to see what away message I put up, saw that it was "fetal position", looked over at me, and saw me rocking back in forth stairing into space. He asked if I was okay and I couldn't asnwer. He fucking knew the answer. And I don't like to talk in front of Mona and he knows it, so he let it go until he left. He hugged me with one of those amazing hugs, and whispered "feel better." I still don't want him to let go and it was almost a day ago.
It seems like the more time I spend here the less it feels like home. It dawned on me last night that I won't see any of my "siblings" until summer. That seems like a million years from now...it's still blizzarding here. Summer is like a dream. I miss you guys more and more each day, and I don't know how to deal with it here. Evanston seems more and more where I belong and I realize more and more that it isn't where I am, and that scares the life out of me.
6:55 PM
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