Sunday, February 16, 2003
Today started out fine. I was UP before NOON (big surprise, I know), and Nan and Summer came in to go to brunch. We went Todd Unioning and I got the cutest package from my mother. On the way back we stopped at the corner store and bought Jeff a lot of soup and juice since he is close to death (apparently..), delivered it to his room, and recieved his praises. We're NEVER nice to Jeff. I don't understand. It felt good to still care. But THEN I went back to my room.
Josh was online. Naturally I had to talk to him...it's not like not talking to him every day is even an option anymore. But it was weird. I was still on this high from yesterday when I told myself I'd make 'the move', and then didn't. The moment never felt right. I spent SO MUCH of the day with him, he even pulled me away from not only a good movie but a good movie with my best friends here. For an hour we sat in the coffee shop and talked. Bonded. I told him stories about how Erik wears a 'uniform' and what I base my moral systems on. He told me about pranks in high school and I think we both walked away feeling a bit closer. But it still wasn't the right moment. I play these tapes in my head of exactly how things are going to go, and these tapes become what I call perfect. Then I try to make them happen. Yesterday's tape happened like this:
I'd see him sign on smoetime in the evening and tell him I have something for him, which is a bouquet of those flowers I make. He says "oh, come downstairs. My roomate isn't here." And I go, nervous all the way, butterflies in my stomach taking over. I knock on his door, he answers, and I tell him to close his eyes. He does, I take his left hand and in it I place the flowers. Then, while he opens his eyes, I manouver myself into his arms in a big hug, wispering "happy valentines day" in one of those perfect ways, and kiss him on my way back out of the hug. And it would be perfect.
That moment never came. Every time I saw him he came upstairs to get me. Mona NEVER leaves our room except for two reasons: to go to class or when she's with me. So I never got to surprise him, and every time I got my goodbye or hello hug, she was there. Someone was there. I went crazy. I miss him.
Now I"m falling for him more, and when I talked to him today I was ready to ask him to come up so I could give him my surprise. I already told him I have something for him. He remembers that I never delivered. So he said he wasn't in the best of moods, and I asked if I could come down. He said no. Repetively. I asked why, and he said "because no one here knows I cry." I paniced. I wanted nothing more than to be in his room, holding him, making him feel better. Giving him soft kisses on the top of his head to melt away his pain and sadness. This is all I ask. He won't let me. I spent the rest of the day waiting for him to tell me that he's better and I can spend time with him. He never said it. I'm still freaked out.
Perfect time for sleep, eh?
Goodnight.
1:51 AM
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