Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Boy did I ever call that one. We talked again yesterday and he gave me some bullshit lines about how I deserve something better than him, and some not-so-bullshit lines about how he's really depressed, doesn't want to bring anyone down with him, and that he can't handle change right now.
In short, I'm going crazy.
Up until these past couple days, I could handle these butterflies in my stomach and this feeling that has rooted itself in my soul by convincing myself that there may be that crazy small chance that he feels something too. And even though my mind was always telling me that he didn't think of me in any other context than a really good friend (which I am thankful for), we had never talked about it and so that chance still existed. Now I know it's gone. I don't believe that him not wanting to date me is a good reason for me to stop wanting to date him, so I'm not going to try to convince myself otherwise. I just wish he wouldn't think I'd be happier with someone else. If I thought I would be happier with someone else then I wouldn't feel like this towards him.
I think what he was saying Sunday night and what his kisses were telling me were very different. I just want the chance to make him happy. I told him Sunday night, while we were both cradled in each other's grasp, that I would love nothing more than to be able to hold him always and make all his pain go away and make everything okay, and his response was "I'm right here." Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but.....
Oh I don't know anymore. All I know is that I can't stop thinking about him. I miss him so much and it's not like he went anywhere. We're closer as friends as we've ever been, and he promised me that that isn't going to change, no matter what happens.
I've had the phrase "we only accept the love we think we deserve" on repeat in my head for days. I don't know if that's good or not.
2:04 PM
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