----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."


























 
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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.


























Blind Eyes Closed
 
Sunday, April 13, 2003
 
I feel so bad for Monie. She's been going through a lot of shit lately and it's not that she won't tell me what's going on, it's just that I don't know how to ask and make it believable that I really do care. Things should never be this complicated. Everyone should be able to be happy and that should be enough.

I talked to Erik tonight. That always has some kind of theraputic/calming effect on me. It has ever since the seventh grade at Haven where we'd troop off to the cafeteria together after another rousing day of woodworking and we would both be so pissed off at Ben that all we could do was stand in the lunch line together and gripe. Who would have thought that six years later that's all we need? I wish I had his knack for knowing exactly what to say to people to magically make everything make sense and put into perspective, and therefore not seem so bad. I think it's a very important quality, and somehow I've lost it.

Everyone's been upset lately for whatever reason, and it's like no one knows each other well enough to know what to do in this kind of situation. That's the worst kind of reminder that I'm not at home anymore. If this were Evanston I would know to just sit and let Bunny talk his way through shit, or I'd know to cuddle with Nikki or Erik or Cammy or Hannah and let them talk while I play with their hair and give them those ambiguous answers that let them know everything will be okay. I can't do that here. It's suffocating. I listen to Josh talk every day about things that are bothering him and instead of focusing fully on what he's saying, I'm trying to think what he needs to hear to make everything okay. I hate going to him or someone else with whatever's bothering me and be silently screaming "just give me a hug and tell me everything will be okay!" because that's all I really need. I hate having to tell people that. I miss the times when they just know.

I had a talk with Josh earlier tonight. He was saying that he thought he'd never find a soul mate, and I told him that I know there's someone somewhere that'll make him happy. I said I'm not naive enough to believe I could ever convince him I could do it, but when he finds her, I don't want his inhibitions to keep him from letting himself be happy. That's all that ever mattered to me about him. It's so much more important for me that Josh is happy than to know that I was the one that did it for him. I don't know if he understands that, but maybe, with any luck, he'll read this and smile.

Only one more month until I'm home. I can't wait. Hannah, I'm calling you within 10 seconds of walking in my door. I mean it. Sit by your phone.
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