----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."


























 
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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.


























Blind Eyes Closed
 
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
 
I have the most unnerving urge to call him and get some kind of long-distance hug right now. I know it probably won't help and whatever happens I'm still going to be alone. I hate that feeling. Almost every day, it seems, I see Erik and Mary being all cute and happy or listen to Nikki on the phone with Bree, and it just emulates this hole I feel in my heart that's just a constant reminder that I'm alone. And I love Nikki for trying to make it go away and saying that she just calls Bree when Erik and Mary are being so disgustingly cute because she misses her and that's hard, but at least she has someone to miss. There's a very solitary aura when you realize you're going through this as one half and one half only; the other part looming somewhere just out of grasp because you don't actually know who it is. I want some way to make this all better. I just want to feel something that isn't empty. I want to hear this from someone else, and then together devise some plan to make it go away.

It's not that I don't want to hang out with my friends when they're with other people. I know someone is going to read this and get offended. That isn't what I mean. And it isn't that I'm jealous because I'm not. It's just...frustrating. I'm so tired of existing sometimes it makes me sad. I want to be able to crawl into someone's arms and feel love and fall asleep for a long long time, and then everything will be fresh and new when I wake up. I just need to wake up.
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