Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll forget. I spend too much time averting my own thoughts to be free from this impenetrable sadness, and I try to force myself to believe I'd be better without it. That's not true, and that will never be true. I don't want to forget. There are these triggers that I come across every day that try to force me to think about it, and I try to pass off as little as I can and still call it a memory; something to say it still lives with me.
I need more than this.
I need something that will always be with me, something that I don't have to be scared to hold and let other people see in case it results in some ackward silence or - even worse - agony. If it helps, it should be worth it. I should let myself be sad sometimes, because sadness is inevitable and I recognize that. I'll stop running. I'll let myself go; let this grief spill into other people, other lives. I'll lift the burden from the same three people that have taken it with me from the beginning because that's not fair to them, even if they say it's okay.
Some things will never be okay, and that is the way it should be.
8:52 PM
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