----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."


























 
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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.


























Blind Eyes Closed
 
Monday, July 28, 2003
I just think you should hear this.  
First off, I want to say that I don't blame you. I'm mad at myself for this, and I don't want you to take this as any sort of attack because it's not. It's just something you should hear as well as something I should say.

I was serious. That time when I said this shouldn't happen anymore - I was serious. It's not that I don't have a good time or anything; it's just hard to be your friend day in and day out feeling used and hurt. I hate the way you burn me. I don't think it's fair; especially knowing that you don't have a problem with it and aren't hurt at all. I don't want our friendship to be this cheapened, and I want you to help me make it better. Everytime I say this I'm serious, and I'm sorry you never took it for what it is.

Right now, it's at the point where if we can't be friends without me getting hurt, then maybe we shouldn't be friends. I'm tired of tiptoe-ing around and feeling like that's okay for the time being, then leaving and feeling on top of the world becaues I got away with something. Nothing is ever that easy. There's too much guilt in the air. I don't want to lie to people anymore, but when I start telling the truth we're both going to get labeled and judged.

I hate being upset about the way things are going and not being able to talk about it. Not because we're cought up in some elaborate secret, but because if I ever come clean then I'm going to hear a speech that I tell myself every day. Only this time, the speeh is going to be accompanied by a look in his eyes that tell me that he thinks he's above me (even if for those ten seconds) and I'll go away feeling more shamed than relieved.

This has to stop.

And I'm sorry if I ever disappointed you. I know we've been through a lot of shit together, and usually that makes people stong. That should make a friendship strong. With us, it just causes trouble that neither of us want. I know I've been too weak and self-absorbant to bring it up most of the times I've thought to, and I apologize for doing so and making it harder on you. I don't want to be your friend when you think of me as someone who's very physically beautiful, but with something wrong with me that things can't go beyond that.

So that's it. If we can't learn how to actually be friends, then we should probably stop pretending. I don't want to lose you as a person, and I hope you don't want to lose me. We'll just have to find some better way to work this all out.
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