Friday, August 01, 2003
If you won't listen to me, then there's no point in anything.
First off, I'd like you to know that if this comes off as whiney, it's for the same reason it always is: I only talk to speak my mind and tell you how I feel, and I don't think I should have to water that down to make it come out nicer. That, to me, defeats the purpose of telling you how I feel in the first place.
So then, on with it. Secondly. I hear your points about the way we are concerning Erik and Mary spending time with us as a group. I hear what you say when you tell me that we aren't fair to her. And I understand that because we have had a long talk concerning how it is and how it should be. I understand that we haven't always been inclusive with her and I understand that, because of what we have done wrong, she hasn't felt inclusive with us; and this is a perpetuating cycle. I understand this and I have made a first step to making it better. I called Mary a few times to have dinner with her before she left so I could talk about it with her, but she had no time because she had to pack; and now she's gone. But she knows that I was serious and that I really do want to be her friend. That said; it is not your job to tell me how I am wrong, and I think it's unfair that you blame me and me alone for something that is the fault of all of us.
About things concerning you and me that you also think are wrong, I can only say that I'm sorry dynamics have changed between us. I don't understand how I'm different than last year when you still wanted to be my friend, and I can't understand until you tell me. I miss last summer when you'd still talk to me. I miss our friendship. Don't take this as me trying to guilt you (as I know it'll come up sometime) because that's not my intent. I want to perserve whatever friendship we have and I can't express this without telling it like I see it. If you end up feeling like I'm trying to attack you, then know that it is not my intent. Here also I want to say that you've blamed me for things that aren't solely my fault. When you say you didn't appreciate us coming to your house unexpectedly and not 'having the decency to step out of the room,' you direct this at only me and not my company. That's also really unfair, and I do notice.
I just don't want to sever any ties with you. I never intended for you to think of the camping trip that way, either. It's just that sometimes, things should be done in one small group to strengthen those bonds. It wasn't that we don't consider you part of that group, it's just that there's a difference between our whole group of friends and the siblings. We're like family. There's another level with us. There's more time. You say there's a difference between the siblings and your parents' keeping ties with friends from college, but I don't see it. It was a timing thing - my mother still has her friends from high school and they still spend time together as just them; most of the time they bring their spouses and children and more distant friends from college, but there are times when it is just them and everyone understands. I know that not telling you about the trip was a shitty move, and I've already apologized for that, but I don't know what else I can do. I want to do another trip that's all 4 million of us, but our timing is too crappy for that. And I'm sorry. If you accept the apology or not, I'll still mean it, and I'll still feel shitty about not going about things the right way.
so that's it. That's the point - I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything.
4:43 PM
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