----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."


























 
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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.


























Blind Eyes Closed
 
Saturday, December 13, 2003
Suicide as a Spectator Sport  
So I guess everything's returning more or less to normal. Some of the ridiculous tension has gone away, but oh don't worry, more is on its way.

You yelled at me today about how I neglect you. You say I make you feel rejected. Who spends more time rejecting who around here? Who's the one who makes me feel like shit for not being you? I hate how I try and think I'm doing what you need and all it turns out to be is making you feel rejected. All that's gonna happen is trying harder. It'll never stop.

So I've also gotten my 4 billionth reminder in the past I-dont-know-how-long that I'm really gonna be alone forever. I hate hearing this constant "I'm attracted to you but I can't see us dating" kind of thing. This is why I never show myself to people. I spend so much time convincing myself that if people know who I really am beneath the "I'll say anything retarded because it makes people laugh" thing, I'm just gonna get hurt. Apparently this time hasn't gone to waste, seeing as how I haven't been proven wrong so much. Everyone I open up to that I think I could see myself with and who could prove some stability for me has said something about how I'm great but I'm just not right. What the fuck are you looking for? Quit being scared that I could make you happy. So instead I get to sit around and think about it. I get that nagging feeling in my heart where it takes all my energy to not cry.

I swear there will be a time when this isn't so depressing. I'll make a promise now that my next post will be something happy. But for right now, what you [don't] see is what you get. Have fun.
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