----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."


























 
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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.


























Blind Eyes Closed
 
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Check  
To quote Perks..... "I feel like a big faker because I've been putting my life back together, and nobody knows."

First step: check. He came over last night after an ackward night; obvious that I needed to talk to him. We walked silently into the suite with the girls watching a movie; obvious as to what they thought when we came in and headed straight for my room. He sat on my bed; I sat next to him. He looked at me with sad eyes, and it was time to begin. "I'm sorry."

We talked for about an hour about how things were and why they were that way, and it was so real it was scary. It's weird how much more of an idealist he is than I am, because I guess I surround myself with more pessimists than him. He's definitely not been as oblivious to everything as I'd assumed; I underestimate him too much. So he's noticed how different I am when it's him and me or us in the suite as opposed to when the group contains josh. He wanted our solution to be to spend more time together until he can figure out how to make me as happy as I am with him. That was killer.

"I still want to be together. Do you?"

I didn't have the heart to say "no," so I said "I don't know" really quietly and started crying. He understood. He kept saying that he was glad that this happened and that it ended the way it did with no one angry. I just think he deserves to be with someone who can devote more to him than I can; someone who can be better to him than I was.

There was a good ten minutes between him getting boots, coat, hat, and gloves on and the time he made it out the front door. We had a hard time not giving each other one more hug or sad smile. "I just know that when I leave this door, it'll really be final."

Well you're not here anymore, and things will be okay.
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