Sunday, January 04, 2004
continuation
So when he told me that it was time to take him home, I wasn't ready to leave whatever sense of security he gave me. I drove away from his door, turned up the music, and drove north. By some weird twist of fate I ended up in Northbrook driving along residential roads noticing that there were no curbs nor streetlights ANYWHERE, and I crawled up and down each street in that pitch black listening to "Day That I Die", an awful song but somehow complimented the mood, and got really calm. The way that wave of everything washed out of me in that circumstance is now, and then, to be fair, terrifying. Everytime I glanced in my rearview mirror and couldn't see anything, all I could wonder is how comfortable the backseat would be to someone whose aim was to hide back there until the opportune moment came to jump out and kill me. Apparently this is a common fear for people driving alone in the dark, but it seems so illogical since, once the driver is dead, the car would just go out of control and it would be impossible for the killer to escape without someone noticing.
A little later on my drive I pondered what would happen if I came home and told you that I miss you. I can only assume your response would be "okay" or "we'll be back soon", or any number of things that isn't "I miss you too." Even if you don't, it takes so little effort to humor me for two seconds and four words of your life. And I'm not entirely positive that it would be a lie on all levels. I upset myself more by knowing this is true, and gave up to go to bed.
Then I talked to you today, seeing as how you seem to enjoy trying to make people feel better. Why do I always think this and it never helps? I didn't even bother muttering those words because I knew the answer, and you gave me a tyranted speech about how depressed you are and how nothing I could conceive of doing could help. For the record, when I tell you that I'm lonely, the incorrect response is to rub in my face that you don't care about me or my friendship. And I know that i'm probably wrong, as things seem to go with you, but it really wouldn't hurt to hear you say it once in a while. Just call me right now and tell me you care about me. It's the only thing I'll ever ask of you.
12:33 AM
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