Monday, January 26, 2004
My heart will break before I cry
I want to say that everything is going fine; this is just a check up. Somehow that doesn't seem to ever happen. I want to be able to say everything on my mind but I can't. Things don't form themselves into words anymore, I just have a swirl of colors formulating into snippets of ideas encompassing my mind and seeping itself through my pores into my soul. In the past two weeks I've found myself coming home only to shut myself in my room and ignoring my suitemates who may or may not be asking for me. Some things just hurt less when I'm alone; and then again some things hurt more but at least I don't have to hide it.
For the first time, probably, since I've been here I don't think going home and being with everyone would help. I can't rely on running away to solve anything. I need to remember how to save myself or else it's never going to happen. Looking back at old posts I'm remembering that time when I would write everything here without using "I" or "me" because I didn't want to admit that this is about me. I don't want to focus on me. Maybe that's how I got this far.
If I close my eyes for long enough I can almost feel your emotion running over to me, drawing its hypothetical sword and battling mine. I can't tell you what it is about you that makes me miss you when you stand in front of me, but maybe that isn't the point. Because either way, it happens. You smile at me through the walls you've built and wave goodbye. I just refuse to leave and will spend the rest of my life walking around the perimeter looking for the door that you never built.
Albiet people telling me I should never say this to him, I told him tonight that if he ever told me to choose I'd choose him. He said he'd never ask me to. I know this is why I love him, but he'd never love me unless he's the only one. What is it about me that I can only choose my friends so they all hate each other? I know he makes him uncomfortable and I do whatever I can to not mention him and keep them two away from each other. That obvoiusly doesn't always work, like dinner tonight, but I wanted him to notice that I kept talking to him and ganged up on his team. I know it's hard, but I'm trying. My best will never be good enough and I'm just starting to accept this. For the life of me I don't want to. I just understand now, like I always have, that he needs more, and just because he's my first priority doesn't mean I always have time, and that's not what he needs to hear. I still love him, though, in my own way. I'd give the world to sit with him in Hoyt watching weird movies and holding hands not because I'm trying to make a move, but because that's what's comfortable. It's the best kind of friendship I could ask for. I know it bothers him that I'm going to the ball with someone else in a little over a week, but for the record, I asked him first and he said he wasn't interested.
I wish I could get over this period in my life where my daily routine starts and ends with a dull pain in my abdomen. I'd like to either go to bed or wake up without feeling ill. I want to tell myself that this is stress related and that my best bet is to close my eyes and picture something beautiful, but there are some things that no amounts of beauty will ever erase.
Maybe as a help, though, I'm off to spend the early hours of morning (i.e. not time for sleep yet) learning the viennese waltz on the tabletops in the library. This, somehow, is what I've always dreampt college is like.
11:42 PM
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