Friday, January 30, 2004
Try #2
So it looks like I can't do right by anyone nowadays. Sad enough to say, I'm reminding myself of how Eleanor was a few years ago when I still knew her - I'll try to pretend that everything's okay and keep people separate to keep them as happy as I can, and sooner or later it all blows up in my face.
Let's start with last night, shall we? I came back from putting up urcg posters around 11:30 and had a deal with Josh that he'd come over when I came back. So he sent me The Fifth Element over aim and came to watch with me. We spent the whole movie cuddling on my bed and it was wonderful. He kept smiling to himself and saying that he could see that I wanted to kiss him, which was both right and wrong. I mean it was tempting, but being with him like that was so much more than flirting. I felt comfortable. I felt safe. And I wasn't going to mess that up, so I didn't. After the movie he joked around saying that he was too tired to go back upstairs and would have spent the night if I didn't have to be up early this morning. Alas, he left, and it was the first time in about a week that I didn't go to bed feeling sick.
Now we get to today: we had a deal that I would meet him outside of his Death, Dying, and Beyond class, which he has with Summer. I have Japanese at that time, but we got out really early so I went with Margaret to wait for him. Where we were standing, it was perfect to look directly at Summer, so we did and made goofy faces at her for the last five minutes of class. When they got up to leave, Josh made it to the door first so I walked away with him as planned. Wrong fucking move, Nora. Summer's still not talking to me for making her believe that I went to meet her and then leaving before she got out of the room. She and Nancy are convinced that I would choose Josh over them anyway and although they're angry at me, it's pretty much true. Mona explained it to me as: the girls really don't care about anyone but themselves. So when they do find someone that they're willing to care about (i.e. me), they expect it to be returned, and I've been doing a shitty job of showing that I do care about their friendship. Which I do. I like spending time with them, it's just that they don't need me as a friend like Josh does. They just see him hurt me (while somehow failing to see how happy he makes me, too) and can't figure out why I keep going back. So now they're avoiding me until eventually they blow up.
Then tonight was this special deal to see Monster at the Little for $1. I bought tickets for Josh and Doug so I was joking that they were my dates. When we get to ITS where the bus leaves, Ben shows up. Mind you, Josh really dislikes Ben for obvious reasons. I really try to keep them apart, but it's really fucking useless sometimes. I know it bothers Josh and Ben is pretty oblivious usually, so I follow Josh onto the bus and sit with him. Ben sits with Doug a few rows back. Josh is really quiet and has been quiet since he and Doug picked me up so I knew something was bothering him besides that Ben is there. He doesn't talk to me the whole way, deep in his own mind, so I just sit with him quietly with linked arms. In the theater, the 4 of us find seats in a row and I sit in between Ben and Josh. I barely look at Ben the whole night to try to...not make things better for Josh, just not make them worse. Ben tried holding my hand and all I could do was shake my head "no". On the busride home I sit with Josh again but this time Ben and Doug are in the seats accross the isle. Ben is quiet the whole time sitting with his back to the window; Josh is staring out of his. Nancy and Summer sit in front of Ben and Doug and don't say a word to us the whole time. So this leaves Doug being Doug, who is most comfortable rectifying a situation by making jokes. He spends the ride home singing INXS and Journey through a 'loudspeaker' he made from rolling up a magazine. I don't know what to do so I laugh.
Let me also remind you that I've been feeling sick this whole time. It's not cramps, but it's pretty fucking related and I haven't eaten anything since 2pm so the midol isn't taking. Mona comes in my room to tell me everything the girls have said and I compare notes from my evening. I make a quick trip to the bathroom to get more midol and see if it'll do something this time, and it gets lodged in my throat hitting my gag reflex. The flash of the next ten minutes is nothing but me gagging/spitting/throwing up bile until I start to cry. This is not how I pictured my night.
Now I'm just sitting here, wondering how I got so far into this mess that I'm making everyone except Mona so angry. I'm going to talk to Ben tomorrow (who, incidently, left me a message by the time I got home saying "it's pretty obvious you still have feelings for Josh, I think you should tell him."...) and finally get everything sorted out with him. I feel bad for being so awful to him; I know he's a good kid and doesn't deserve it. I'm just obviously not the one for him and I should really get around to stopping leading him on and making it clear that I think we'd work much better as friends. Doug is going out of town this weekend and I'm expecting his absense to be an excuse for Josh to get really bad, so I was planning on spending most of the weekend with him, which I'm SURE will go over well with Summer and Nancy. I'll be waiting for them to start yelling at me, which is the only way they'll ever let me know that something isn't right.
Long story short, this should be an interesting fucking weekend....
2:35 AM
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