----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."


























 
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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.


























Blind Eyes Closed
 
Monday, February 02, 2004
It hurts to be alone  
np: It Hurts To Be Alone by Bob Marley
"After he breaks your heart
Then you'll be sad
And your tears will start
And you'll know how it hurts to be alone"

Maybe I wouldn't be so down if I wasn't working on Mix #2 entitled "Please Pass the Kool-Aid" subtitled "Songs that'll Make You Want to Die." Then again, I probably would so I'll keep working on it. I think things are starting to calm down around here, but that doesn't make anything any easier. I don't think they're mad at me anymore, but you can never really tell. I've been good about not secluding myself with either just myself or him, which helps.

At the end of the weekend all I think I've figured out about this is that something's gotta happen. I thought things would be lovely if they stayed how they are, because with all the time I spent with you, I never wanted to be anywhere else. Even though it was just laying around not doing anything special; watching you play games on your computer or watching a movie; that's where I wanted to be. Seeing you for who you are. Watching you not have to hide. Not having you ask me to be anyone but myself. Being comfortable. Smiling. Loving you. I've never gotten so scared that I was going to lose you, and you told me I wouldn't. I want with all my heart to believe that, but I think we've gotten to a point where that can't be comfortable anymore. I think we're going to break something if something doesn't happen. We should go about this the right way. I'm falling again, and I'm really trying hard not to. That's just kind of difficult when you tell me to get over you and then make me feel like an asshole for trying.

This shouldn't be something yelling at you, though. I just read what you wrote and got upset because I think if you were with her, she wouldn't make you happy, and that's not for any reason like "she isn't me." I think you deserve something better.

Anyway, back to something different. There is nothing else. It's been a really long time since I've read Perks, so I've decided I'm taking this week, the busiest week since I've been back, to re-read it and see if it makes me remember why things are beautfiul. Usually it changes the way I think about things for a few days, and I think I need that kind of a pick-me-up right now.

This week is going to be killer.....but my friends rock for getting an SA (Student Activities) van to take me out to dinner Sunday. If you're reading this, yo'ure invited. Let me know if you can make it.
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