Monday, February 23, 2004
Show 'em what to do
I've been really angsty tonight and I'm not sure why. I want to say that this is just something I'm going through for some nonspecific reason, but I don't really know if I'd be lying or not.
So quick update: I went skiing for the first time ever yesterday. The kids I went with said I was doing really well for that being my first time, but honestly I just spent the whole day going too fast for my own good and yelling at people. Which was awesome. Mary and Dan saw me do the coolest fall of my life where I thought going head-on into a steep snowbank was going to slow me down (which it, you know, didn't), and Josh kept the rear the whole time to make sure no one died without anyone else noticing. On the busride home he sat with me, and we kind of didn't talk very much, just listened to the disco playing on the radio and fell in and out of consciousness with my head on his shoulder and his head on mine. It was amazing. When we got back Mary wanted to watch a movie so we pulled out Requiem, which she had never seen before, so she was pretty comatose by the time she left the suite. I told her it would give her a panic attack... she should listen to me more often. ;-)
So then I woke up this morning and had a hard time moving. Wooo!! Umm, yes. It kind of got better throughout the day, but I'm always full of knots and I don't think it'll ever go away. After URCG I ran to the pit to get some food and ran into the one who still isn't speaking to me, who asked I not mention his name. Which started this whole mess. I kind of cornered him and talked directly to him and he responded, so I hope that means things will get better. I know I made a lot of mistakes, but honestly...when you yell at me for something and I apologize and you say it's okay, the next step isn't to stop talking to me completely and roll your eyes whenever I wave hello. That's just ridiculous. If he wants to be friends he knows where he can find me.
I think a big part of this feeling tonight is my same-old worry. I'm worried about him because I'm always worried about him; whether or not he wants me to. It's one of those things where, if I could, I'd teach myself how to admit that it's going to be a constant, but I can't. I think things would be okay if he could realize that when he tells everyone what's wrong, all those people get this complex where they think of how self-satisfying it would be if they were the one to not let you go. So no one will ever be the first to let him leave. So he's stuck. And no matter how much he pushes them away, no one will ever go anywhere. It hurts me sometimes to see people not see in him what I see in him; how much he just wants to protect everyone he cares about from things, including [especially] himself. How beautiful he is.
But on top of that, I'm worried about you. I asked you today, after reading some of the scariest things I've ever seen you write, if you were okay and you said things were getting better. And then got two more posts today that would suggest otherwise. I wish I was there to take care of you; I wish even if I was there that there was something I could do. But I'm accross the country and there's nothing I can do to make silly people realize what a beautiful person you are, inside and out. It makes me sad to know that I can't do anything to influence anyone anymore.
I just can't turn and walk away
It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
Words can't say
And I can't do
Enough to prove it's all for you
1:06 AM
0 comments
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
|
|
