----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."


























 
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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.


























Blind Eyes Closed
 
Friday, February 06, 2004
Too much  
Let's see how much more I can fuck things over for myself, eh? Like a game. This might be fun. Note: I'm being sarcastic.

So yesterday I turned 20, no longer a teenager. It was just another day; I went to class & went to a concert. We had a good time, and I really dislike the way people expect things to be special. Like the fact that we made it another year is something really important. Every day is important. Milestones are arbitrary. I mean I do appreciate the effort people give to wish you well (read: thank you Erik for being the only one to call), but I guess it really doesn't do much anymore. Time doesn't stop. Life doesn't stop. Nothing is automatically okay because I've made it another year.

And for the record, you were wrong. I mean yes, I was scared that I was going to lose you, but it wasn't because I was so insistant that this distance happened. It just that, on my end at least, things with you seemed to be going really well. And I was really comfortable with you. I knew I didn't have to hide. But that state seems to never last with you, so I was waiting for the moment when I made you angry and distrustful of me and I ruined everything without noticing it. And now that I've succeeded, yet again, I miss you. I know some things are still the same even if you don't want me as a close friend anymore; I still know that if I'm not happy and don't want to smile, I don't have to around you and you won't think I'm weird (in a bad way). If something happens and I need someone to listen to me for a little while I know you're always there. And if I'm not in a bad state and just want to share that with someone, I'd rather go to you than anyone else.

I guess that it's just that I've figured out why our good times can't last. If I'm happy and want to share it with you, you end up resenting me for being happy when you're not. For lack of a better example: last night when I called Erik during One Year Six Months, he'd take me being out with other friends and leaving that message as knowing that I'm thinking of him. If the roles were reversed and I was at a concert with other people and called you, you'd take it as me rubbing in your face that I'm with other people. You don't see that I want it to mean that I'm thinking of you. And I know it's not your fault that this is the way you think and react; I just wish we didn't have to think so differently sometimes. Because I love your ideas and I love hearing you talk to me; it's just hard when I have to be so careful not to fuck up and then end up doing it anyway.

I don't know what to do anymore; I don't think it'd help you to fight to keep you around. I just want to let you know that I'm not giving up on you; I'll always be here. And however wrong you think I am for believing so, I think you're amazing.
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