Tuesday, April 06, 2004
But you still came back for me
I am soo angry tonight it is almost beyond words. If he wanted a fight he could have come to me and said shit to my face; forget going through my friend to relay a message for you. What the fuck does that even mean? You're in no fucking position to dispose of me, and the one who is hasn't expressed anything against my work, neither has anyone besides you. So if what you think I do is so shitty in the first place then maybe someone else would have noticed, eh?
Saying it out loud (aka typing, something that's keeping it out of my mind) makes it sound so petty. I know I shouldn't listen, but I always listen. It's who I am. I wish I knew how to block people out. I wish I had the ability to remind myself that not everyone is going to like me, that even though everyone's entitled to their opinion, theirs is going to mean less than the ones who know me best.
As for everything else....same old, same old, I guess. I feel like he's my best friend more than ever now, after our talk this afternoon/evening. I know what it looks like to everyone else, but it doesn't matter. I know my heart, and I'm working on knowing his. From what he tells me, from what everyone else tells me, I know what this is. This is what happened two years ago with Erik and Mary, except I'm not on my end anymore. I know what they felt. I know what we put him through, and I truly am sorry. I know that when you really want to spend time with that one person, you'll tell yourself that your other friends have each other so they don't need you. And I know, as that other friend, that it sucks not being the one who holds your attention. And it sucks that now I'm doing it to my girls, all of them. I love you, Erik, and I'm really happy for you that you and Mary are still in love after these years and that your feelings for each other are only getting stronger. I love you, my suitemates, for sticking with me and still wanting me to live with you next year. I know your position and I don't want to do this to you. And I love you, Josh, for still being here with me. For being who you are; for telling me that things are going to be okay and meaning it. Making me believe it. Being my best friend.
Having that said, I just want to go to sleep. I want to sleep for a few days, let my heart forget everything. Slip into a coma so when I wake up, everyone that loves me is waiting for me, loving me for still being alive. I've just forgotten how to feel like I belong somewhere, with someone. Like everyone that I love and am willing to give everything to isn't going to give up on me. That when we grow, we're going to grow together. To mean it when we say forever. I'll mean 'forever' when I say 'forever', but I can't hear it. And it sucks.
Everything sucks.
12:34 AM
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