Sunday, April 04, 2004
A little voice inside my head said 'don't look back..you can never look back'
This is my apology to everyone for tonight...maybe you'd have had fun if we didn't have to come back for me, maybe it would have been better if we had gone earlier. Maybe everything is a big lump of 'what ifs', and the truth is you'll never know. What if you quit drinking? Maybe that would mean you don't spend every weekend feeling like shit by the end of the night, then kidding yourself the next weekend into thinking 'maybe it wasn't as bad as I remember.' What if I quit? Nothing would change. My gag reflex and psychosematics are too strong for anything. I can't get drunk anymore, and I've lost most desire to. I think I'd just like to be able to forget sometimes. Again, I'm sorry for tonight. Don't think you were the only one not really having fun; although it doesn't help to know you're not alone.
I just...hate this. I hate letting you down. I hate going to bed meloncholy because I know that when we wake up, you'll still be angry. And I'll still be sick to my stomach thinking about it. I know how this looks to you and I promise it's not the way I meant it. I'm just still trying to figure out a way to make better, and I know somehow it can happen. I need you to have faith in us [i.e. you and me, together, as a pair], even if you don't always feel it, because I know that sometimes, you do. I'm sorry.
4:20 AM
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