----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."


























 
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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.


























Blind Eyes Closed
 
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Sometimes  
Try Not To Breathe

I will try not to breathe.
I can hold my head still with my hands at my knees.
These eyes are the eyes of the old, shiver and fold.


I will try not to breathe.
This decision is mine. I have lived a full life
And these are the eyes that I want you to remember. Oh.


I need something to fly over my grave again.
I need something to breathe.


I will try not to burden you.
I can hold these inside. I will hold my breath
Until all these shivers subside,
Just look in my eyes.


I will try not to worry you.
I have seen things that you will never see.
Leave it to memory me. I shudder to breathe.


I want you to remember. Oh. (you will never see)
I need something to fly (something to fly)
Over my grave again. (you will never see)
I need something to breathe. (something to breathe)
Baby, don?t shiver now.
Why do you shiver now? (I will see things you will never see)
I need something to fly (something to fly)
Over my grave again. (I will see things you will never see)
I need something to breathe. Oh. Oh. Oh.


I will try not to worry you.
I have seen things that you will never see.
Leave it to memory me. Don?t dare me to breathe.


I want you to remember. Oh. (you will never see)
I need something to fly (something to fly)
Over my grave again. (you will never see)
I need something to breathe. (something to breathe)
Baby, don?t shiver now.
Why do you shiver now? (I will see things you will never see)
I need something to breathe. (something to breathe - I have seen things ou will never see)
I want you to remember.

I was so upset at waking up this morning...things always seem so peaceful when I'm asleep and don't have to think about things. They stay peaceful for that half a minute when I first open my eyes and try to figure out who I am and what I'm doing here. Then I remember. I'm me. I remember what happened last night, all the things you told me. And I was angry that it wasn't three weeks later. That I still have to live this existance. I'm so tired of it...

As a quick recap of everything that's happened since I last posted: my mom & sister were here, it caused some problems, to say the least. My sister spent most of the time in tears and I don't know how to take care of her. I don't think I ever will.

Nika, Mona's 10 year old sister, is here. It's cool 'cause she *actually* makes me feel good about myself sometimes, and I spent most of yesterday feeling shitty 'cause I really let her down. She came to hang out with me & Josh, and I really wanted to talk to Josh.. alone.. so we kept trying to run away. I kind of forgot that even though she's young, she still has feelings, and not everything I say goes over her head. So I ended up really hurting her feelings. And I felt really bad. But also as a part of being so young...she's over it today & things with her are okay.

Things with Josh in the past week are....things with Josh. There was one moment, Monday night.... I don't remember where we were, or what the premise was, but there was certain way the sun was hitting his eyes, and he looked so...peaceful. And I was so happy to be there to witness it.
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