----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."


























 
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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.


























Blind Eyes Closed
 
Saturday, May 01, 2004
After all the bad endings and misunderstandings...  
I don't want to say that all my "panic attacks", as it's easiest to refer to them, from high school are coming back, but I was hit kinda hard last night and it's...weird. I was standing with Josh at Water Street watching some opening band play, and I got that oh-so-familiar tight feeling, like it was hard to breathe. Like I had something strangling me. It got bad enough that I had to take off my necklace because I couldn't handle having it touch my neck, and I never remove jewelry. I don't really remember too much while we were still standing there, just staring straight ahead of me, not necessarily at the stage, and clutching my arm so tight that I broke skin. Feeling that was better than not feeling anything. So I told Josh that I was feeling clausterphobic & that I was gonna go stand in the back where it was much less congested & get some water from the bar, and he came with me. And now that I think about it, it's sad that that surprised me. I know Josh is always going to take care of me.

Well it worked, & I was doing much better by the end of the 2nd set. Josh wanted an Early November shirt, and thought the guy working the merchandise booth looked shady so he made me buy it for him. Which is both really silly and really endearing [I guess is the word I'm looking for]. We went upstairs to the little balcony thing up there, and found an open stool so Josh sat down & I kind of sat on one of his knees. We watched Early November and Less Than Jake like that. It was really cool being able to look down on everything and see the energy... the band and fans alike. I'd try to describe it but I don't think I'd be able to, besides trying to say that the bassist for Early November is... scarily energetic & I was sure he was going to make himself dizzy and fall over, but he didn't.

I don't really know where I'm going with this...I started writing & then took a break for a few hours so now I'm not really feeling it anymore. Goodnight.
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