----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."


























 
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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.


























Blind Eyes Closed
 
Friday, June 11, 2004
take back  
Tonight: The Cooler.

I don't really know what it was about the movie that struck something, but I don't know... I think it's something about how all the "sex scenes" except the first one are all post-sex, when they're laying in bed and happy. Maybe I've just been thinking about it too much, but it really hit something. I'm getting to the point tonight where being awake is just truly exhausting. I hate watching movies where everyone else finds love. I know it's supposed to make me feel happy because they're happy, but it's just a reminder that I'm not. And I really hate the idea of other people classifying my problems. These are all fragments of a real thought. Questions really are a handy way to perpetuate conversation, but it just gets daunting when I'm on the receiving end and I want to scream and make her move on. I can't shake the feeling that she's just asking everything she can think of to make herself feel like her childhood friend isn't gone. We left this years ago, that girl is long gone.

I found an old pen-and-paper journal I used to keep sparatically in high school. What a fucking moron. I used to think that I used to be deep and think these wonderful things when I was younger, but I think all I really did was worry about myself for stupid things that don't matter. If I could go back in time and talk to her I'd punch her, probably. I'd tell her about all the things that aren't important, that I won't even remember later on in life so stop caring about them now. I'd tell myself to pull my head out of my ass, and I'd probably be a lot wiser now, without all of that "I learned through my own experience" baggage. And I hate that I can tell myself that now, how I was just a stupid teenager and what did I know anyway?, no one should trust a 16 year old with real decisions; but it's kind of fruitless to know my mistakes now, except to not go through them again.

I just feel like looking at myself in the mirror for a long, long time and trying to figure out what any of this means. If it's really true that everything I've been through could have happened without me; whether or not I'm as replaceable as I feel. Since I can't write this without crying I should probably leave before mom notices.
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