Tuesday, July 06, 2004
if I want to, I can just shut up
My mind is a mess. I had a weird experience on the train this morning, and it's left me feeling really guilty/confused about my past and who I really was in high school, my motives, my anything really. So when I was in high school, junior and senior year, there was this kid Matt who kind of stalked me. Not to any serious extent, but he would follow me around in the halls and to my car after school. He was a special ed kid, and I think he had some pretty deep emotional problems as well as learning disabilities. Something to do with a missing mother, or bad mother.. something was wrong with a female role in his life so he latched himself onto pretty much any female who would let him. I think I was one of the only ones who was nice to him. It's sad, really, because it was apparent that he couldn't comprehend how creepy he was, he just needed a mother figure. And I always felt really uptight about his creepiness, the following me around, the hand always always ALWAYS trying to hold mine, even when I told him I didn't want him to. He'd get angry. He wouldn't understand. I honestly thought he wouldn't remember me after I graudated, I didn't think his mind collected memories like that.
So, as usual, I'm wrong. He was on the train this morning, with the familiar "NORA!" and smile and almost immediately grabbing for my hand, which I pulled away. People that I had classes with and who worked with me every day don't remember or recognize who I am, and that's what I expected. It's just weird feeling that uptight again, the want to run away and get off the train, to stop feeling guilty for not wanting to be touched.. I mean it's not his fault, right? I wish I wouldn't regret being nice. I wish I weren't such an asshole. I want to get away, the cabin by the lake, so I don't have to face people anymore. The good along with the bad, because the bad make me upset for life and the good just make me feel guilty.
2:01 PM
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