Blind Eyes Closed

----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."

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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.

Blind Eyes Closed

Thursday, June 05, 2008
so come on and dance with me

change is a good thing, right? growing is always positive, and moving on from certain periods in your life is healthy and sometimes refreshing. but stopping to think about it, sometimes, is incredibly saddening. even though she was immature and young, the girl i used to be also was confident and courageous. the girl i am now envies that.

recently, i got in touch with an ex-boyfriend, who i have not really spoken to in 5 years and who i have not gotten along with in 7. we were playing catch-up, which can be nice. he asked me if i still kept in touch with a mutual friend of ours, who was the first boy i really fell in love with. i said no, because we have drifted apart over the years. i still think about him, and i know he's happy in what he's doing now, and i'm happy that he is doing so well. but on another hand, i miss the boy i loved much more than the boy he is now. the boy i loved is gone. the boy who rocked an inconsolable version of me on his back porch at his going away party before he left for college, because i was so upset about him leaving. the boy who sat me on his lap, away from all the other guests at his party, in his apartment, softly singing in my ear.

i know when i type that that it isn't really true. that moment is gone, and the circumstance is gone, but there's still a part of that boy that will do anything to console a friend. knowing that helps, but i still can't call whoever he is today because he changed his phone number and i was not on the list of people who got the new one.

all in all, i think i do a lot of complaining about people changing, and especially myself - i know i'm a better person now, and more well-rounded, but i really miss the girl who i used to be. i say this over and over. i pretend it's a profound thing to say every time i say it, which only makes it more ridiculous. what it all boils down to, though, is that i have a few things i need to say to a few people, and i wish i had just a little bit of that former-self's courage.

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