Monday, June 30, 2003
It's been a good few days. That's as far as I can describe whatever may or may not have happened, because I think it would be too cheap to try to recreate the events here and now. So I'll leave this as a series of good quotes from each wonderful event.
Friday night:
Erik: I've been aggrivated lately.
Nora: So you've been getting Snappy on Schappy?
Erik: Yes, if Schappy equals everyone else.
Saturday:
Cast of Too Much Light: If you're holding it together clap your hands. (clap clap) If you're holding it together clap your hands (clap clap) If you're holding it together and you think it will get better, if you're holding it together clap your hands. (clap clap)......if you think it's just a phase clap your hands......if you're fighting with your parents 'cause they're scared they won't have any grandkids clap your hands (clap clap) If you're fighting with your parents because they're scared they won't have any grandkids clap your hands (clap clap) If you're fighting with your parents and you wish you had the balls to go up to them and tell them to fuck off, if you're fighting with your parents clap your hands. (clap clap)
Sunday:
There are no words that can describe how much fun I had seeing my coworker Arnie walk around at the Pride Parade wearing a pink "diaper" type deal while pretending Caleb was my gay boyfriend.
I love Pride Weekend. :-)
10:20 AM
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Thursday, June 26, 2003
Hannah just left me a message online telling me that the link in my profile actually led you to a page selling Bibles and all accompanying merchandise, which can be reached at . Hannah, darling, what makes you think this was a mistake?
*insert sly grin.*
I feel I should take this opportunity to inform you that if your life has been bounded by drugs, sex, and abuse, you should try JESUS!
12:24 PM
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Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll forget. I spend too much time averting my own thoughts to be free from this impenetrable sadness, and I try to force myself to believe I'd be better without it. That's not true, and that will never be true. I don't want to forget. There are these triggers that I come across every day that try to force me to think about it, and I try to pass off as little as I can and still call it a memory; something to say it still lives with me.
I need more than this.
I need something that will always be with me, something that I don't have to be scared to hold and let other people see in case it results in some ackward silence or - even worse - agony. If it helps, it should be worth it. I should let myself be sad sometimes, because sadness is inevitable and I recognize that. I'll stop running. I'll let myself go; let this grief spill into other people, other lives. I'll lift the burden from the same three people that have taken it with me from the beginning because that's not fair to them, even if they say it's okay.
Some things will never be okay, and that is the way it should be.
8:52 PM
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Saturday, June 21, 2003
Stolen from Mike but also kind of Hannah:
Your Life’s Movie Soundtrack survey:
Opening Credits: Less Than Jake - Help Save the Youth of American from Exploding
Average-day scene: Green to Think - and you Dream
Best-friend scene: Bis - Detour
First-date scene: 70s Porn Groove - Who's Your Daddy?
Falling-in-love scene: Moulin Rouge Soundtrack - Your Song
Love scene: Vandals - If the Government Could Read My Mind
Fight-with-friend scene: Sugarcult - Hate Every Beautiful Day
Break-up scene: Mustard Plug - Never Be
Get-back-together scene: Clash - Train in Vain
Wedding scene: Dire Straights - Romeo and Juliet
Long-night-alone scene: Weezer - Only in Dreams
Heartbreak scene: Catch-22 - Kirstina
Mental-breakdown scene: Plaid - Squance
Driving scene: N'Sync - It's Gonna be Me
Deep-thought scene: Beck - Guess I'm Doing Fine
Regret scene: Queers - I Can't Forget You
Lesson-learning scene: Rockapella - Stand By me
"Life's okay" scene: Tom Cochraine - Life is a Highway
Party scene: Big Bad Voodoo Daddy - You and Me and the Bottle Makes Three
Happy dance scene: Erratic Fool - Dance Into the Night
Flashback scene: Led Zepplin - Over the Hills and Far Away
Fight Scene - Avail - Taken
Tension scene: Dandy Warhols - Boys Better
Death scene: Catch-22 - As the Footsteps Die Out Forever
Closing credits: Marvelous 3 - Indie Queen
3:32 PM
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Thursday, June 19, 2003
Whoa...when did they change this thing?
Anyway, what is it about these online diary things that make you think no one wants to read what you have to say, and yet you get exicted when a friend writes a long detailed post about the funny taste in his mouth?
9:56 AM
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Thursday, June 12, 2003
You're "Tired of Sex". Countless nights
of sleeping around have taken their toll, and
you've almost lost hope in discovering
"true love" - if such a thing exists.
Which Song from Weezer's Pinkerton are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I disagree! This hasn't been true for years.
11:39 AM
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So I got a job, which attributes not only to why I haven't been posting lately, but also to the reason my mother won't let me leave the house on weekday nights (okay, so it's not that extreme, but she expects me in bed by 11:30 every night, which means I "should" be home by 11, and that's kind of silly). The job itself is fine, I guess, it's a lot of office work that other people don't want to do. My first day I spent five hours in the storage room filing papers. FIVE HOURS. Do you have any idea how crazy I went? It blows my mind. But everyone I work with is extremely nice, and it seems as though at least half of them are gay. Which makes them so much fun to be around.
I like it here.
But now back to why my mother is crazy. Last night I was saying something about maybe going out later, and she was like "but it's a weeknight." I said, "okay then. If I get home too late for myself, then I'll be tired in the morning." And she gave me this weird 'I'm your mother and whatever I say is final' look and said, "or...you won't be out late."
Directly following this event, Nikki promised me that if I ever turn into a mother that won't let her college-aged daughter choose to make her own mistakes and take her own consequences, she'd shoot me.
10:14 AM
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Thursday, June 05, 2003
It's comforting to read everyone else's thoughts and know they all miss school too. It's been a while since I've gone through some kind of withdrawl like this; but alas, there is the familiar pang beneath my chest that tells me that this isn't where I want to be. As some kind of remedy I went out to dinner with Sam, my Rochester connection in Evanston, and he told me he's going through the same thing. Sure he misses Maggie when he's gone and he's happy he's with her again physically, but I think being home has its toll on everyone. When I got home from Flat Top I called Summer to gloat that I had good stir fry and she didn't; she told me that she missed us like crazy and her withdrawl was the worst it had ever been that day, and it made her so happy to get home from work and have a message from Nancy and a message from me on her phone. We talked for a bit and then I went to bed smiling.
4:42 PM
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Tuesday, June 03, 2003
I just need to leave. That's it. Take the car and drive far far away. If that were a feasable option, I'd just hop in the car and go to Jersey. But that isn't an option. and it's upsetting.
8:19 PM
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Never in my life have I wanted so badly to gouge my eyes out with something very, very sharp.
12:38 AM
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I have the most unnerving urge to call him and get some kind of long-distance hug right now. I know it probably won't help and whatever happens I'm still going to be alone. I hate that feeling. Almost every day, it seems, I see Erik and Mary being all cute and happy or listen to Nikki on the phone with Bree, and it just emulates this hole I feel in my heart that's just a constant reminder that I'm alone. And I love Nikki for trying to make it go away and saying that she just calls Bree when Erik and Mary are being so disgustingly cute because she misses her and that's hard, but at least she has someone to miss. There's a very solitary aura when you realize you're going through this as one half and one half only; the other part looming somewhere just out of grasp because you don't actually know who it is. I want some way to make this all better. I just want to feel something that isn't empty. I want to hear this from someone else, and then together devise some plan to make it go away.
It's not that I don't want to hang out with my friends when they're with other people. I know someone is going to read this and get offended. That isn't what I mean. And it isn't that I'm jealous because I'm not. It's just...frustrating. I'm so tired of existing sometimes it makes me sad. I want to be able to crawl into someone's arms and feel love and fall asleep for a long long time, and then everything will be fresh and new when I wake up. I just need to wake up.
12:34 AM
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Sunday, June 01, 2003
I'm sorry I haven't had much time for this lately. When I'm at home I'm generally passed out on a couch staring aimlessly into space.
In recent "news", I guess, Mike got home today, and it feels good to almost be a complete group again. Cam gets home a week from right now and when she does, the sibling parties are on and everything will be good. I've been going through a slight Rochester-withdraw lately, but I'm too much of a loser to actually *pick up a phone* and call the people I really miss. Mona, I'm sorry I haven't called you in the millions of times I said I was going to. I really do miss you.
I got my new cell phone today, tell me if you want the number (I don't really want to post it). It's so cute and I'm happy!
I love you all. Remember that, okay?
12:29 AM
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