Sunday, April 28, 2002
quick time out for my normal thought train.....
it's been a long week, okay? School is getting progressively more bullshit-y and stressful, and my father's home on disability and I'm really not coping well. As a result, my temper, "fuse", if you will, is about 3/4 of an inch long. So just bear with me, okay? I'll be pissy for a while.
11:06 PM
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I find it enchanting how trusting people can be with strangers. Like how someone can complain about how noone knows them well enough, and that no one asks them the right questions because they don't know any better. And when a perfect stranger comes around with a certain amount of blunt-ness, it strikes a beautiful chord of honesty. People make me so happy sometimes.
I feel like dancing in the rain.
10:46 PM
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Mike has made me so happy in the past couple posts of his. Thank you, Mike, for agreeing with me. :-)
5:54 PM
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Saturday, April 27, 2002
Innocence is being naive and having that be okay. Because that's all you know, and you're content with not-knowing that there's so much more you still have to grasp and not knowing that there's so much evil around you at all times. I used to think there was no such thing as "bad" and I was happy with that. But then I *had* to grow up and these forces were thrown at me because "it was time". I don't want that time to come.
I think you assume a lot here. I firmly believe in NOT shutting down emotionally because I know I"m leaving. I've actually been trying harder to understand people better and get to know everyone I can before it's time to go. I think you think you know me better than you do. Maybe I'm wrong. Go ahead, analyze that and prove me wrong. It'll be entertaining. But a lot of the statements you made here are bullshit assumptions and that's not fair.
And, also for the record, I'm not abusive just because. You really do deserve it, whether you're ready to admit it or not.
6:28 PM
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"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits perfectly in this little place in your heart."
-My So-Called Life
I was reading Mikey's diaryland thing earlier today, and he said the most beautiful thing I've heard in a long time. Well, maybe not beautiful, but it was perfect. His latest post (the one about seeing how everything is okay for just one moment) was great in general, but one line....at the end he said "...i can almost see little threads of consciousness between people, constantly caring little pulses of information..." and on first glance, I was sure he meant "carrying" instead of "caring", but I think "caring" fits beautifully. And I don't know if he meant it, but Mike...that was amazing.
On a different note, things with Josh are going to be normal again. I don't think I've ever been able to say that before, but I really do think things are going to be okay now. After Tuesday he [finally] lost all physical attraction to me, and we had one of our first *real* conversations as friends. And it was good. My favorite thing about him [right now] is that, on Tuesday when we were talking, even though I wasn't exactly fully clothed he would still listen to me and look me in the eyes when I said something. It really made me happy. And I don't think he'd understand if I said that so I didn't, and things were still okay.
3:28 PM
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Monday, April 22, 2002
Oh, and Erik...for reference, you were depressed until the end of 9th grade. May 14th. *wink*
8:56 PM
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Saturday, April 20, 2002
What happened to that girl? The girl I was two years ago. The girl who was always happy because she had 'those kids'? I miss her. I want to be the girl that Grant fell in love with. I know he loves present-me too, but it's not the same person. It's a different kind of love. I want to be past-me again, to be the girl who would be happy because she saw someone smile and cry because someone else was sad. I used to love everyone around me so much more completely than I feel like I do now sometimes. I miss her. She used to be so self-assured because she had everything figured out. Everyone used to love her. And she loved them too. Past-me was happy with past-Eleanor, they were great friends. Most of Present-me still loves Past-Eleanor, but Present-me can't cope with Present-Eleanor. Why does everyone have to grow up? Things were simple when everyone was young.
I miss the girl who used to rely on Past-Erik's words of wisdom in the cafeteria 4 years ago to make her happy. She wasn't happy then, though, but she would learn. She was innocent. Innocence is underrated with Present-me. I want to be little again.
4:24 PM
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I never meant you were never a part of them. I know you were, I know you learned to love them and they love you. But I do have vivid memories of me inviting you to Rockford Nights and you scolding me for trying to force you into "my kids". Maybe that was just early. I never thought it was weird that two years ago you asked me to hook you up into "my network" and now it's the other way around...I figured it was just that the group two years ago were "mine" and the kids now are "yours". I don't feel like as much of a part of their group as I ever did with Grant and those kids. I think it just hurts now that I don't fit in with "the next wave" of them. Little Luke is a jerk, Bunny hangs out with the computer geeks and doesn't have time for me anymore, Gabe's a drug addict, etc. Whenever I talk to Big Luke now, he tells me about how he loves visiting home and seeing all his old friends and spending time with them and still bonding with them. But he never calls me when he's in town nor I him. I rarely see him, and it makes me wonder how good of friends we ever were. Or how good friends I was with most of them...?
I didn't want to insult you by saying you were never one of them. I always knew you were. Maybe it was just frustrating to see how much better you seemed to get along with the same people as I did. Maybe sad was the wrong word.
How would you define your friendship with me? You say your friendship with the kids is different than your friendship with me...how is your relationship to them? And what about the "core" - Schappy, Camo, Hannah, us? Are they, your makeshift family, also different? Maybe I just have a lot to learn about what goes on in your heart, dear. Teach me.
2:54 PM
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Friday, April 19, 2002
Sometimes I really can't help but feel guilty for sophomore year. Everything that happened. That was the year I found myself....the year I started hanging out with Grant, Eleanor, Gabe, Luke.....the "freaks". I was happy. I finally had people I really really got along well with that I learned from; but also learned from me even though I was two years younger than most of them. I met these people that I fell in love with and then I tried bringing everyone else I cared about into it. Especially Erik. I think I wanted to show him that these were people that were making me happy, so maybe they'd make him happy too. But they just made him sad. And I couldn't understand why, so I kept forcing them together. And I really was making Erik worse by not encouraging him to find kids of his own. Maybe I was just scared of losing him. I still am, but it's okay now. So I'm apologizing, Erik. I didn't mean to ever try to force you somewhere you didn't want to be. But you're happy now, and that's all that matters. Honestly.
10:43 PM
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Sunday, April 14, 2002
When I tell you that I love you
Don't test my love
Accept my love don't test my love
Cause maybe I don't love you all that much
Don't ask what kind of music I'm gonna play tonight
Just stay awhile
Hear for yourself awhile
And if you must put me in a box
Make sure it's a big box
With lots of windows
And a door to walk through
And a nice high chimney
So we can burn burn burn
Everything that we don't like
And watch the ashes
Fly up to Heaven
Maybe all the way to India
I'd like that
All the ancient kings came to my door
They said, "Do you want to be an ancient king too?"
I said, "Oh yes, very much
But I think my timing's wrong"
They said, "Time is relative
Or did you misread Einstien?"
I said, "Do you really mean it?"
They said, "What do you think we come here for
Our goddamn health or something?"
Everybody's waiting for the messiah
The Jews are waiting
The Christians are waiting
Also the Muslims
It's like everybody's waiting
They've been waiting a long time
I know how I hate to wait
Like even for a bus or something
An important phone call
So I can imagine
How darned impatient
Everybody must be getting
So I think it's time now
Time to reveal myself
I am the Messiah
I am the Messiah
I am the Messiah
Yes, I think you heard me right
I am the Messiah
I was gonna wait till next year
Build up the suspense a little
Make it a really big surprise
But I could not resist
It's like when you got a really big secret
You're just bursting to tell someone
It was kinda like that with this
And now that I've told you
I feel this great weight lifted
Dr. Nusbaum was right
He's my therapist
He said get it out in the open
I spent ten whole days in Jerusalem
Mmmm Jerusalem
Sweet Jerusalem
And all I ate was olives
Nothing but olives
Mountains of olives
It was a good ten days
I like olives
I like you too
So when I tell you that I love you
Don't test my love
Accept my love
Don't test my love
'Cause maybe I don't love you all that much
-Dan Bern, Jerusalem
I swear he made up so much of that song on the spot.....I really like the stanza about the ancient kings, though. "What do you think we came here for? Our goddamn health or something?"
1:22 PM
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love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken 'hallelujah'
1:14 PM
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Friday, April 12, 2002
I just got back from a mini road trip with my mother. To look at colleges. Which was doomed from the beginning. Alas, I was right. Whoever doubts me should be shamed.
Long story short, I got really sick this morning, took medicine and got better, then got in a huge fight with my mom on the way home. Whenever she decides to "talk about college" with me it always ends up her trying to convince me to go to University of Rochester while I try to convince her that my safety school really wouldn't damper my education. I ended up crying and we had only been in the car for half an hour, and decided to take a huge detour on the way home to see a house our family used to have in Wisconsen. Smart idea, as always.
6:07 PM
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Monday, April 08, 2002
Sometimes I wish I were more like Ben, who's the kind of person who decides "hey, it's my spring break, I'm going on a road trip to Ohio!" He once told me he thought we think alike. Maybe in a few years.....
Right now I think I just need to get out of here. My random friendships seems to go great until I mention I'm still in high school. I think I really was born two years too late.....
3:13 PM
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I'm sorry it's been so long. Somehow I've been abusively boring, and that doesn't seem to translate well into fun stories.
But, alas, it has been a tired couple of weeks. Spring break started Friday, although it started Thursday for me since I went to Pittsburgh for a college visit. With Alan. Who, despite my mentally transmitted messages, didn't sleep with me. But, what would you expect? My emotional presence has turned into one of a three year old. It's like middle school again, where I can't seem to talk straight or think of anything intelligent to say when I'm in the same room with someone I feel so strongly for. I did this with Ruth too, and somehow she became interested anyway. I'm stunned. And lucky, I guess.
On a lighter note, I did see Alan yesterday, and NEVER see Kissing Jessica Stein. It's terrible. Every catagory of person in the film is portrayed terribly. Especially, I think, gay people and Jews. It's like the point of the film is to say "be like this main character, who's afraid of her bi-sexual feelings and so decides to hide it from everyone and be really secretive" and then she turns out to be straight. Telling unsure homosexuals that it's better to stay in the closet. I was quite pissed off. >:-E
3:11 PM
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