Wednesday, October 30, 2002
Today was intense like a circus. Except with more cutesy napes with my sisters during shiva. I love you all and I'll write more later, but now I really need to sleep. <3
11:28 PM
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Sunday, October 27, 2002
2:50 October 27th. May he rest in peace, and I know he will.
Something Alison told me tonight: "just remember, there's no right or wrong way to do any of this. I don't want you ever looking back and thinking about what you should or should not have done."
And it's true. I'm not going to be one of those people who can't live with myself later because I had to leave the room when he died or because I kept leaving our guests to go lie down and let myself forget about it for a few minutes. My sister cried a lot more than I did. I think I just did more to prepare myself over the past week. She was also at college from the beginning and I've been here for all of it minus this past downward spiral. Mom told us that it's not him that's gone, just the body that failed him. He loved us all so much that it'll never leave. He'll always live in our hearts. I know it's true.
8:40 PM
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Friday, October 25, 2002
12:30 tomorrow I meet my certain destiny. Wish me luck.
1:37 PM
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Thursday, October 24, 2002
Everyone in class today couldn't stop saying what a happy day it was. I wanted to scream "I've been crying for 12 hours straight, how's that for fucking happy?!" but I couldn't. It was horrible.
2:36 PM
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She called because she was lonely. He's still got a couple weeks left, which is what I thought prior to the phone call. Nonetheless, though, I've been crying for about 14 hours straight and it's not fun. My morning class today was cancelled so I slept until 12:30 ish...I cried myself to sleep last night, and I've forgotten the comfort of that. I called her when I got up today and she says she just misses me, and that she'll call me to fly home when he's in his last few days. He's not going to make it to Thanksgiving. I wonder how breaks are going to be...and right now, Mike is at the top of the list for sweetest people ever for even considering the idea of coming to Chicago from Savannah to give me a hug. I love you, Mikey. Thanks.
2:36 PM
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My mom called tonight. Which probably means I'm going home soon to say goodbye. And I don't know what to do. People say "I don't know what to say" and "I'm sorry" but it doesn't help. Don't say anything. If you want to make me feel better make him not dying. If you want to be there for me, just hold me and let me cry. And just understand that it doesn't matter you don't know what to say because there's nothing to be said. A hug speaks so much louder than words sometimes it's amazing. Give me one of those right now...
1:15 AM
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Monday, October 21, 2002
some people wear their smile like a disguise. those people who smile a lot - watch the eyes. i know it cause i'm like that a lot. you think everything's okay, and it is . . . til it's not.
- ani.
12:03 PM
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Sunday, October 20, 2002
Everyone smile. Right now.
Quote of the weekend:
Nora: I think there's a direct realtionship between "need of freak" levels and horny levels...
David: I think horniness is the first derivative of freak...
(good to know that I can still graph whatever may come to mind...)
1:48 AM
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Saturday, October 19, 2002
I feel better. Mom told me that the household is now put into a system that'll be under close watch and we'll have nurses coming by periodcally and stuff. So things'll be okay for a little while. And she told me to concentrate on school and do well 'cause it's one less thing she has to worry about. And I promised so I should probably be doing homework right now.
Anyway. Last night was awesome. Good times, good times. At about 5 Mona left to go practice, and we were planning on de-lofting the beds when she came home. Then Jeff came by and asked if I was going to Shabbat 806. Which I was, I just completely forgot. So I quickly changed and walked down to the chapel with Jeff, did the service deal, then headed over the Douglas for the 806 dinner. THEY HAD COOGEL! I haven't had noodle coogel since I've been here and I've missed it SO MUCH! But it was THERE! I was so happy. They also had a bottle of Manishevitz for each table with one of those really tiny plastic cups for each person (like what they give you at temple) and so we were taking "shots" of Manishevitz. Needless to say, we finished the bottle and we think it equaled out to about a glass of wine each. I took the empty bottle home.
We came back to the dorms to change quickly then headed over to the drama house for the improv show. Dan the Man was performing and I had told him I'd go, but it wasn't the best of their shows. A lot of the other really funny people weren't performing. But it was good anyway. They made this histarical joke about oxidizing gold that only Nancy laughed at and I got to call her a chem nerd. It was good.
Then we came home and Mona, David, Todd, Ester (who lives downstairs), and I went to the Hive to play pool. We met up with Nancy in front of the building so she joined us. I didn't really play 'cause I suck at pool, so I just chilled with whoever wasn't also playing, which, by the end of the evening, turned out to be Ester, Nancy, and David. We went back to David's room to watch Boondock Saints, then went to Nancy's and watched random cartoons and comedy sketches on her computer until 5:30. I couldn't think of a better way to spend the night. We decided that David, Nancy, and I are the three biggest assholes on campus so we should start a union where we get together everysooften in one of our rooms and sit around and insult each other for hours. It'll be a good stress release. I haven't hung out with David since orientation really, so it was a good chance to see that he really *doesn't* hate me. I went to bed happy. :-)
2:24 PM
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Thursday, October 17, 2002
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What Cartoon Will I Lose My Cartoon Virginity To? Rio (Jem): The suave and handsome Rio is the manager of glam rock bands like Jem's. This rising star is a mover and a shaker and may soon land a contract with such great ones as Poison and Winger. He is the eighties. |
| What Cartoon Will I Lose My Cartoon Virginity To? |
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2:47 PM
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My head is ready to explode. But not in that fun, I'm-having-a-good-time-so-I'm-going-to-spaltter-the-goodness-all-over-the-walls way, it's more of the I've-cried-so-much-in-the-past-hour-I'm-not-sure-if-my-innards-can-handle-it type. Which sucks. My mother IMs me with "Nora, dad isn't doing well" about an hour and a half ago and I've been freaking out. Apparently he's getting really weak and losing his speech. I wonder if Caleb lost his and if it came back...I don't know. I don't know what to do. They're at the doctor's office right now getting his condition evalutated, and she's going to let me know when they get home.
In the fucking meantime, I have to go to class. I don't know what I'm going to do. When I found out I made rounds and got hugs from two of my favorite people on campus, Josh and Sam. Sam gave me an Erik-type hug which was exactly what I needed. That I didn't have to ask, I just went to his room with a sad look on my face and he ask me what was wrong and held me while I cried into his sweater. And told me over and over again to go home. I'd love to, but I have so many exams coming up and I need to be here and study. It's too much. I don't want to be here. I just want to lie in my bed and make everything go away and have it make everything okay. I just want him to be okay.
12:34 PM
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Tuesday, October 15, 2002
So as part of my punk rock rules writing course, I'm a vegan for the next 2 days. Time to see how Ruth manages it.....
6:16 PM
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Monday, October 14, 2002
And yet another reason why I love my hall:
Pat: What time are you waking up in the morning?
Sam: Fuck you!
10:51 PM
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I just want to give him a big hug and make everything that hurts him go away and show him why people love him, even if he doesn't love himself. I hate losing my touch like this. When I used to get this feeling I'd do it and things turned out okay. I just worry about him.
But in happy times:
Yankees are out of the world series! WOOOO!!!!
8:09 PM
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Sunday, October 13, 2002
She said "love love love is everything."
I said "okay, I guess. whatever."
She said "what does that mean?"
I said "nothing, it's just good to have a backup plan."
9:21 PM
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What's wrong with me? It's like everyone here has someone that they're really close with. And I just have a lot I can talk to but no one I can *really* connect with. I think I'm really fucking things up with him and I'm scared of losing this trust we have, even if it is faceless. The times I laugh most here are probably talking to stupid Al-face online 'cause he's the loveable asshole. And no one else understands.
I'm really not always down. It's just....when it hits, it hits hard. And it's been a killer for the past couple months.
4:17 PM
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Saturday, October 12, 2002
Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
Well at least I'm not anti-social....
4:49 PM
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Man. It's an emotional rollercoaster.
So it's Meliora weekend, right? I only registered for one event. One sexy sexy event which I had a hard time restraining myself from running to the stage and humping vigorously. That's right...JON STEWART! In the same fucking room as me! I was sitting next to my friend Summer and she was honestly restraining me from just running up to the stage and offering to become his sex slave. He's way too sexy.
So that was great, then I came back and watched The Rock with Heather, Nancy, and Pilar. It was great, Connery is a sex beast. Then Pilar tried talking Nancy into going clubbing with her in Wilson Commons, and I said I'd go too if Nancy went. So she did. And I did. But she left after 3 minutes and I stayed for about an hour reminding myself over and over again why I'd never liked clubbing. Oh Becca. Anyway, I just got upset 'cause I can't dance with people I know unless it's Nikki or Feinglass or something, and since they WEREN"T there.....I couldn't do it. And left.
So now I'm kinda sittin' here thinking about how sexy Jon Stewart is and how much I dislike clubbing. All the times I went I was either dating someone or on alone time, which somehow seemed to defeat the purpose. But whatever. gay clubbing this winter is going to be fucking insane. INSANE. Man Jon Stewart is sexy. S-E-X-X-Y!
1:51 AM
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Thursday, October 10, 2002
...lemon sex really DOES exist! And we thought we were making it all up.....
3:19 PM
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Monday, October 07, 2002
As I must, I reiterate. Best weekend ever. Full of those hugs that can make anyone feel loved, because they are. I was completely wrapped up and engulfed by everyone that's in Evanston and loves me. And it made me blissful. And now I'm back in Rochester and everyone that lives with me that loves me and is my friend is still either in New York or Buffalo. Or somewhere that isn't making me feel happy to be back. So I've been sitting in my room ready to cry and listening to everyone in my hall talk about how they had such a great weekend (with me gone).
I'm not sure how long I can go without getting those hugs again. Or any loveless hugs. I want to go home.
4:11 PM
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I'm not sure how I feel about this.....
12:31 AM
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Sunday, October 06, 2002
Oh! This morning. I completely forgot. So this morning I woke up BEFORE NOON to go to the synagogue and see the kids and say hi to Rabbi London. BESSY was outside selling krispy kremes so I got great hugs from Nathan Render first. Then went inside, got MORE Joey hugs, and hugs from Zach and the Gunning. Then I found my cousin, talked to Mimi for a while, and left to go eat brunch with the family. Turns out Rabbi London is in Israel right now and Rabbi Knobel is in New York, so I didn't see either of them, which is sad. Thanksgiving, maybe.
It just feels good to know I still mean to much to people that when I leave, they attack me with the best hugs ever when I suprise them all and come home for 10 minutes.
3:16 PM
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Most amazing weekend ever.
Yesterday I went out with the losers that I love so much. Al and I met at Chipotle and had the most amazing lunches of our lives. Then Gabe met us there, ate an entire burrito in about 30 seconds, which wasn't too much of a surprise. I took pictures of my lunch, of Al eating chipotle, of gabe eating chipotle, and of the chipotle sign. I swear I'm not obsessed, it's just so wonderful.
So after lunch we went back to Gabe's house and Josh met up with us. We chilled there for a looong time then left to go to my house, which really didn't have much of a point. We played at the triangle park for while and then Nikki came to play. We got kind of hungry and went to dinner at Clarks. Al called Stevens and the 12 year old, so I HAD TO MEET HER. It was terrifying. But she's cool, I guess. As much as I'd hate to admit it. While at Clarks we ran into millions of NWU students, including Meli Leoppart. Outside we saw Maggie Hosman and Sarah Rouleau, and Rouleau kept talking about how she was never going to see us again. She's so cute.
Anyway, after dinner, Nikki and her friend Megan left 'cause I don't think Megan liked us much, Stevens had to take his rape-friend home, and Josh was really really tired so he went home. The rest of us went to Kolidescoops to pick up Sarah Rios 'cause she's the most beautiful girl alive. I saw Joey Fleckman and David Gwilliam outside and got some amazing amazing hugs. Greg works with Sarah, too, so I got some good hugs from him. We just kind of sat at Gabe's house talking until 2:30 or so, but it was worth it. I think I got some of the most amazing hugs ever yesterday. I told Gabe at one point that no one hugs in Rochester and he started giving me mad hugs every 20 seconds or so. He understands the importance of a good hug! It was great.
Best quote of the night, though:
Nora: So Al, if you were a woman for a day, what would you do?
Al: I'd go beat myself.
3:14 PM
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Friday, October 04, 2002
What an odd day! To surpise my dad, my mom and I decided to fly me home for fall break. So my flight was SUPPOSED to leave at 2:10, but I got confused and thought it was going to go at 1:18, so I was freaking out about making it on time. So I arranged for my cab to pick me up at Sue B at noon, but I was just getting back from class at noon and had to still go up to my room and get my bags. By the time I came back down, the cab was gone. I sat around waiting for it for about 15 minutes before Mona showed up and I borrowed her cell phone to call the cab company and they told me since I was late they left, but they'll send another one right away. So now I'm REALLY freaking out about being late. I get to the airport at about 1, thinking I have 18 minutes to get on my flight, and I don't have enough to pay for the cab so I have to run inside to find an ATM and run back to pay, then I have to run to security and run to my gate, which is empty. I start panicking 'cause I think the plane is all boarded and everything, and then I look at the sign and it says "Chicago: 2:45". Not only was I wrong, but it was delayed. The plane didn't actually end up leaving until 4, and I didn't get home until about 7, to a house full of no lights. I think if there's any sort of bad omen....maybe I should have stayed in Rochester.
But on the bright side, we really did surprise my dad, and it's great to see him and hug him and everything. He's really weak now, and it's kind of scary. I won't lie - I'm really worried. I'll be crying like a baby within the week about this I'm sure. Be prepared for some sob-story later.
And on an *actually* bright side (that last one was kind of a lie), you want to know what really kept me going throughout the 3 hours of sitting in the airport? No, it wasn't homework....it was dreaming about that special special leprochaun. I've been dubbed "good friend", which is quite satisfactory if I never make it to "soul mate". And I talked to him about 5 minutes ago and it seemed weird that it wasn't a possibility to just pop down to his room 3 floors below me and around a corner. Not that I go to his room, but it's always there. Now I'm in Chicago and he's still at UR. But he's well, and it's still good to know he's alive. I'm pathetic, I know, but he really does mean a lot to me and I still don't know how to say it 'cause he pretty much told me that he's not interested in dating now since he's so sure he's just a pain in the ass and would end up hurting a girl more than making a successful relationship. We'll see, though, we'll see.
10:54 PM
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So here's my quote of the night (more like a short dialogue, but hey, I can dream):
*phone rings, Mona picks it up, says "what the fuck...?" a couple times, and hangs up.*
Nora: Was that Meghan?
Mona: Yes.
Nora: What did she want?
Mona: She was trying to call Tracey.
Nora: She's like my grandmother! My grandma would always call us trying to reach my cousins. She called here about a week ago thinking she was calling my cousin in Pittsbourgh.
Mona: Well, I'll bet your grandma doesn't call you saying "I'm coming over to make your panties wet."
1:47 AM
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Thursday, October 03, 2002
To add to my rapidly growing collection of away messages I steal from other people to post here 'cause I like them:
"gone to the corner where it all goes down-
and I do things I'll regret, but not right now"
Huzzah for Erik!
3:04 PM
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And I was green, greener than the hill
Where the flowers grew and the sun shone still
Now I'm darker than the deepest sea
Just hand me down, give me a place to be.
And I was strong, strong in the sun
I thought I'd see when day is done
Now I'm weaker than the palest blue
Oh, so weak in this need for you.
3:04 PM
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Wednesday, October 02, 2002
Hehe. This is mainly for Alec (who's seen it) and Mike, but it's histarical. This is the away message for a kid in my writing class, Max....
"Bitch isn't standing now."
6:36 PM
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Tuesday, October 01, 2002
I was just talking to Dan Spivack, and he told me that his mother heard a rumor from someone in the Rochelle Lee Fund (my grandmother's doings) that I was arrested in DC over the weekend for being involved in those protests. And she believed it.
I haven't laughed that well in a long. time.
11:08 PM
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Why I love Hannah:
"My physics teacher got bored in class today so instead of lecturing he got a squirt gun and demonstrated water pressure by way of spraying the walls of the classroom until they were soaking wet. Seemed to relax him a bit. "
11:04 PM
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I'd love nothing more than to give him a big big hug right now but I don't think it's an option. Cry for me.
10:36 PM
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Josh's away message:
what do you see when you close your eyes?
does it make you happy? sad?
think of something that makes you happy
close your eyes again
next time you close your eyes, imagine yourself there, forget all your worries and stressors... there is nothing wrong, life is good
relax thoroughly and close your eyes,
leave the world behind,
be happy
7:06 PM
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