Tuesday, December 31, 2002
I just told Michael that all I really need right now is to go to sleep for a very long time and forget about everything. And I mean that to the fullest. For the past few days I've been with the people I've missed for months, and it's been making me depressed. I realized why only tonight - we're not the same. We may still mean a lot to each other and love each other like sisters and we'll always be there for each other, but none of us is the same person he/she was 6 months ago. I look around me all the time and see how everyone has changed, and it scares me. When you're at school and you think of being with your friends from home, you don't take it into consideration how much things will be different. And that makes me sad.
I see it most with Grant. For as long as I could remember with him, it had been him and me. And we were impenetrable, and it was perfect. This time, though, I wasn't his main reason for wanting to come home. He's a godfather now. He has Sofia in his life. Eleanor means more to him than ever. I don't blame him for only seeing me twice in two weeks, I blame circumstance. Things have changed. Everyone is older. While most people have grown in their time away from Evanston, I think I've regressed more than anything else. I hate it. One more thing to focus on next semester, I guess.
Hannah said that at school, you can interact honestly with other people because you have nothing that goes back for years to mess up, and she said that's what she likes about it. I can't understand that, either. I have relied on these years and the friendly faces all my life, and when I'm in Rochester they're all gone, scattered about the country. I don't have anything to fall back on when I make a bad impression or a fight occurs. I have to start from scratch every day. I understand now why college makes people grow up so fast - everyone is out for themselves. You have to watch everything you do to make sure you don't mess it up, because this really is forever. There's no going back.
2:30 AM
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Monday, December 30, 2002
I'm tired of everything. Grant completely blew me off yesterday to spend time he felt he had to spend with her. He made such a big deal about spending equal amounts of time with the two of us, but so far, he's seen me once, blew me off twice, and spent every other day with her. Does this sound equal to you? And I feel bad bitching about it. I know she means a lot to him, especially now that he's the godfather and such. He really does have sentimental attachment to her. And hanging out with my friends will automatically ensue being mean to her. It's not a good place for him. But that doesn't mean I think it's okay that he blows me off so much. He'll have even more time to see her since he's blowing me off for New Years and I'm leaving the 1st for sunny California and he'll be here for four more days.
I think what I'm really afraid of is losing him. I don't want to take the backseat to her. Even so close as a year ago, I was in shotgun with him and Erik, and then Mary came along and I lost that position. I'm used to it now; I'd always been able to use him as my backup. One of those "well, I'm still most important to Grant, so I'm still worth it. Nothing has really changed. I still matter." But now I'm losing him too. I don't want this to be a competition between me and her for his attention. If I were to meet her now I wouldn't want to be her friend. No one has ever made me want to run from a room the way she does. Well maybe. James was pretty bad.
Either way, I'm sick of losing. I want to matter to people. I want to be important. I don't want to have to wait for a day when she gets sick of him before I can have a moment where I can see him. That's not the way friendships work. I really just wish I could explain this to him and make it logical. I want him to understand. And I really want to stop crying.
1:54 AM
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Friday, December 27, 2002
Gabe is officially un-gimped. Grant says we should go to his house and break it again, 'cause he didn't get sufficient name-calling. I think it would be fun.
Grant is also making me go to dinner with the dirty one, the mini dirty one, and the mini dirty one's father. He should know I don't want to go, but Grant means too much to me. Ahhh. He called it "the godkid." Why does it exist? Al thinks she'll never grow up. She'll be this muc of a manipulative bitch forever. I think she's slightly better than she was when we knew her. She'll be able to manipulate the kid into thinking it has a happy childhood. I think she can pull it off. I just wish I didn't have to see her.
4:53 PM
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Thursday, December 26, 2002
Even though I'm past midnight and therefore late, happy holidays, my darlings. I hope you all had a wonderful time. Even the jews. ;-) Just a few minutes ago I had this great song quote that really accentuated my emtions right now, and of course I can't remember. I'd say "that's life" in French but I wouldn't be able to spell in French for the life of me. C'est la vie? Is that close?
Anyway, I love you all, and goodnight.
"Take ease in the fact that for one night you knew true love.
And I promise I will bring you many more. If you wait for me."
1:44 AM
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Tuesday, December 24, 2002
I wrote this amazing post on Word on my laptop last night after getting home, but alas, it's still on my laptop. I've slipped back into what I was before I left for school. I'm not the same person there as I am here. At school I'm never alone. Ever. There's no time for me to sit in the dark and listen to sad music and think about stuff and cry. There's always someone in my room, or I'm not there, or there are people running around outside being loud. I don't get the chance to lose myself in the moment because there are none. I've missed me.
2:10 PM
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Why can't I ever write something happy?
2:05 PM
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Saturday, December 21, 2002
"She looks at me through the window that I gaze into
A distant vision now, shadows of memory forming
Her tears fresh and just shed, paint her crystal eyes.
Is it love that causes those tears??
Myself, always ugly in my minds eye
Never worthy of a womans love
age and innocence wrapped around her so well.
Her beuty makes my heart sweel, and my head sway.
Why does such a goddess cry for me?
Is it only that her heart is so big
Am I that older brother figure to her.
The true friend to give her comfort
Is this ugly form below lust?
Why do I sit and ask these questions?
Why do I wonder about such love?
True passions show their forms with time."
I miss being loved.
3:01 PM
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Why does it seem to be just my luck to fall hard for a guy who has destined himself to be alone? And I've lost my touch and somehow can't convince him otherwise? I've fallen hard enough by now to be scared to start anything with anyone else in fear that he may change his mind and the window is closed. I know that won't ever happen, and yet I'm still terrified. What I really need right now is to get it over with. Tell him how I feel, let him reject me, let myself get over it. I hate not knowing. And I hate being helpless. My biggest dream right now is to make him happy. I want to see him smile and I want him to mean it. Preferably I'd like to be the one to make him smile, but that's not what's important right now. I want him to know he's worth it. And I don't want it to be a lot to ask for.
Him: i always feel alone, even when i am with someone... i always feel that they are happier around other people, cause i'm not great to be around, other people are funnier and can talk easier, and just are better to be around
Him: i affect people's lives then leave, it's my place, i live to serve, i'm a messiah to many and no one to others, i believe in things many never dream about, and that makes me who i am, and i dont need things to get in my way... maybe i'm supposed to be alone and never make great and lasting friends, but it's ok
Me: I can't believe that anyone's place it to be alone
2:40 AM
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Wednesday, December 18, 2002
Best Brian quote ever:
"Life's a competition, right? But does that mean life is a game? NO!"
9:16 PM
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Oh man. So why, last night, did it seem like a good idea to start studying chem at 11 at night, buy coffee and chocolate covered espresso beans, and consume all these goods at 1 in the morning? I was SO not sleepy. Then we decided to move from the library to the lounge to use the white erase board, and Anna made pasta at 3 in the morning. It was good pasta, too. Needless to say, I was really contemplating not sleeping and just passing out tonight at 11 in time for my 8:30 exam tomorrow morning, but fell asleep around 5 instead. Nancy came poking me to wake me up at 11:30 this morning. We've been studying chem ever since.
4:31 PM
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Saturday, December 14, 2002
Josh's away message:
what would you say if i told you my secrets?
who would you tell if i told you what i feel?
how would you react if i told you the truth?
would you believe me if i told you it was real?
my away message:
Do you ever really wish that someone's away message is directed at you, but you really don't know?
......some things just work out too well.
6:19 PM
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Ahhh!!! Finals can kiss my ass!!!!
Word to the wise: Don't fuck with Summer when she takes caffine pills!! Funniest thing I've ever seen, but dangerous!!!
12:43 AM
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Friday, December 13, 2002
I love you, Erik. Thank you so much.
12:06 AM
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Thursday, December 12, 2002
Everything's crazy. Nancy and I were together since 7 working on our stupid mechie paper. It took us until 11:30 to get the pictures in the word file. We tried probably four different ways to get them in there and everything just sucked. And then sucked some more. At midnight we got the bright idea to run outside without coats just so we could look at the designs we drew on Nancy's window, and since anything seemed like a better alternative to working, we went. Nancy ran out before me, waddling like a toddler along the slush-y banks, and slipped and hit her head on the curb. It looked hilarious, don't get me wrong...she started laughing when she got up, so I started laughing too. We went straight back inside to get her cleaned up, and she spent the rest of the night in the fetal position with ice to her head yelling about how she had a concussion and was going to die. I'm freakin' out now.....
12:11 AM
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Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Everyone stop what they're doing. Right now. Close your eyes (but still somehow retain the ability to read these words). Take in a slow, deep breath. And listen to me.
Everything will be okay. The tests will soon be over, the projects are very close to being turned in. In less than two weeks we will all be together again. We'll have a million hours to heep ourselves in as many piles as possible on Erik's soft carpet and to hold each other like we never left. Don't stress yourselves now. I worry when all of you aren't happy. And I've been worried a lot lately.
I love you. Don't ever forget that.
2:01 PM
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Monday, December 09, 2002
I accidentally blew off Darcey and Nancy at mechie office hours working on our rediculously huge mechie project to work on my *also* recidculous 'zine for CAS that's due tomorrow. I hate feeling like an asshole blowing off work that's due Friday for other work that's due tomorrow. Damnit.
11:06 PM
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man that was scary...I almost glued my fingers together with the nail glue. And I thought the physics bridge was dangerous....
3:15 PM
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I'm ashamed to say that erik has updated more recently than I have. Typing is really hard with fake nails. Damn those womanly urges....
3:13 PM
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Saturday, December 07, 2002
I'm tired of this. I want to feel something besides lonely. I want to grow up with him still here and I want him to be able to be proud of me when I get old enough to accomplish things. I want him to be see my mom smile. I want him to see my first grade report from college. I want him to see me GRADUATE college. I want him to be at my wedding to see me in my brightest hour. Now all I have are pictures. Pictures and memories. It's just not fair. It's only been slightly more than a month. How am I going to get through the rest of my life?
1:29 AM
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Wednesday, December 04, 2002
Kastman: Hi
Did you leave a blue wind breaker here?
Auto response from Booobay: Only 2 minutes away from Satchmo Wednesday!!!
Kastman: Hmm, I wonder what satchmo Wednesday is.
bye.
This is why I love Mrs. K. <3
12:42 AM
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Tuesday, December 03, 2002
I wonder what I would look like if I were someone else. If I could choose. I've always wanted to look like a song, but which one? It would have to be one of those songs that you can sing along with and feel everything that the songwriter felt when he put those lyrics on paper. If the author was sad, you feel like crying. If the author was angry, you want to punch a wall. And so on. To accompany the song look, I want to have that kind of amazing eyes. The kind that really do light up when I'm a happy song, and can radiate love at my every whim. I want people to be able to read me through my eyes, even though most don't ever look. Why doesn't anyone look each other in the eye anymore? At one point, eye contact was everything. What happened?
8:52 PM
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haha I'm a toaster.
6:36 PM
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Which Random thing are YOU?
6:36 PM
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Sunday, December 01, 2002
Dreidle dreidle dreidle, I made it out of clay....
...actually they were either made out of cheap colored plastic or wood, but it was fun anyway. Pia and I took the role of residential Jews and taught the girls (both my hall and hers) how to be Jewish during Channukah. Happy holidays!
11:18 PM
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