Friday, November 28, 2003
Hehe
Lord of the Rings!
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla
I can only hope this is true because of the abundantness of hot people. WOooo..
Thankgiving is good. I've missed my friends. I still kind of wish Rochester people were here 'cause I'd love being able to show them who I am at home 'cause, you know, at times it really is different than who I am at school. I have yet to find a happy medium. It's been chill, though....Wednesday night I spent 3 hours in IKEA with Mom and Paul, who has always felt like as much as one of my friends as one of Mom's, and I got to watch Paul run around IKEA making jokes about being mesmorised by the huge red circular bathroom mats they have hanging from the walls. Then we picked up Anna and I left to go spend time with the girls, Nik and Cam and Becca. Game night, at usual.
Then yesterday was THE DAY. HUGE lunch with the family (Auntie was very adhement about not letting in people who weren't in the blood line or married to the blood line), then back to our place for a desert thing. Bunny came over to that and I left with him to "watch a movie" at his place for a while. And everyone here knows what I mean by that. It was nice 'cause I could see in his eyes when he walked into the condo that he missed me and there was some sort of shine behind that infinite blue in such a way that I could feel it as much as I could see it. I knew that if he knew how to look, my eyes were doing the same thing. I can really only describe it as beauty. So I spent the night with him, Al, stella, Gabe, Grant, and Grant's woman Annie. Annie's awesome, by the way, and although it's still kind of weird seeing him in love with someone else, I'm happy that he's found someone that he's so into that's so good for him. I can only hope I'll get the same soon.
This afternoon we had the unvailing ceremony at the cemetary. It was beautiful. Full of everyone I've ever met through my parents - family, family friends, and Erik. Everyone told little stories of what they remembered from Dad and how beautiful a person he was. Still is. At one point I was standing there staring at his grave with an array of stones placed neatly on it, and Erik whispered to me, "where do you think he is now?" I said, "I don't know...where do you think he is?" He didn't have an answer either, but I told him I'd get back to him. I'd like to believe he's in a heaven, but I don't want to admit that I believe in heaven. I just think he's somewhere where he's safe and can watch his girls and where he can still feel that we love him and always will. Because we always will. I wouldn't have ever wanted anyone else as a father, and I'll stand by that forever.
More stories later when my eyes aren't teary enough that I can't see the screen. Love you all and happy holidays. *hugs*
5:11 PM
0 comments
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Ahhh!!!!!
only half an hour until I leave for home and then it's EVANSTON TIME!!! I love home. Everyone that's coming over for our 'Thanksgiving Party' it's after 4. Elliot suggested midnight, and I promise I will let you in. I love you all.
Remind me to stop thinking watching Nemo isn't going to make me cry because I miss Dad so much. There's that one line at the end when Nemo's lying there and his dad swims up to him and he says in that weak child voice, "Dad.... I don't hate you." That line gets me every time. So yes. Good company, good movie choice up until that line. I should start trusting my heart more than my mind. Or maybe the two should stop conflicting so often.
9:23 AM
0 comments
Monday, November 24, 2003
Yeah I know, I stole it from Mike
"I want you to post anything that you want in reply to this entry.
"Anything at all.
"A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, an opinion, a critique - anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like.
"Then, put this in your journal to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your journal) have to say."
I figure it ought to be intersting. Fanks Mike.
11:48 PM
0 comments
Who's the Creepiest of them All?
So yesterday morning, I went to bed around 4, which is pretty usual for my weekends. I wake up at 12, and, with my eyes barely open, twist my head minimally to see the clock, then habitually turn the other way to see if Mona is still sleeping. She is. Deciding that it's too early and that it'd be best if I laid back down for half an hour, I let my head collapse into the groove in my pillow already set to its shape.
Next time my consciousness takes the best of me for the day, I do my best to fight it and keep my eyes shut for a good thirty seconds. Again my habitualness takes over, and I wonder if Mona is still sleeping. I spring out of my state of catatonia facing Mona's bed, and in the split second that it takes for my head to reach over the carboard box in the way of my view, Mona appears in sight - sitting in the middle of her bed looking right back at me.
The only logical conclusion I can derive from this occurance is that Mona likes to watch me sleep. She'll deny it, but I'm sure that's only to keep the element of surprise with her. Either that or she's in deep denial. I'll have to assume the former.
When I told this story to Summer and Nancy, Nancy told me that one of these weekends she will come into our room, grab Mona's desk chair, and stare at us both until we wake up. If things go as planned, I will open my eyes and Nancy's face will be a maximum 4 inches from mine. The contest of who's creepiest in this suite will never end....
2:07 PM
0 comments
Thursday, November 20, 2003
Meep
First off, thanks for everyone who's participating in the cd exchange dealie. I love you all for making this come together so well. When Grant first told Erik and I that we were going to try to do this three years ago, Erik and I agonized together over trying to make the best mixes possible; and our results weren't bad. But the exchange never happened. We were so disappointed. But now it's working! As long as we keep it up for the next cd, we will have succeeded. You guys are the best. :-)
So things I learned from last night:
1 - Frisbee in the cold is really fun
2 - Josh has not, and should never, taken physics
3 - Nothing is scarier than 12:30 football practices
4 - I AM NOT JOSH'S BITCH!
5 - I never wanted to see Nancy's emoticon O-face
I think I'm romanticizing the night. It really wasn't anything special, I just had a good time. Although I'm pissed at Paypal - I've been hounding to buy an N64 off of e-bay, and once I find a good price on one, I can't remember my password for Paypal and aol won't take mail from them. So I called to see what was happening, and the guy told me that he was deleting my account and that I should create a new one off of a different e-mail address. I do, and it tells me that my credit card is already being used by a different user. BUT IT ISN"T BECAUSE IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN DELETED AHHHHH. I just want my frikkin N64. This has nothing to do with anything that isn't Mario Kart.
So we've officially named Fishy the official game of Anderson 210. Josh has beaten the entire eco-system twice, and I made him take screen shots of it and send it to me. Since his netscape doesn't take up the whole screen, there's all his other crap in the background. For a while I made just the picture of the giant fish my background, and then I decided that was too boring and last night while he was here I changed it to the original screen shot. So now it just kind of looks like I'm Josh. There's an IM with me up in the corner. It will kill me to try to figure out what I was saying.
In short: I am the coolest.
1:16 PM
0 comments
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Jawsome.
So let me tell ya, there is nothing I could have loved hearing better than Nikki saying that my presence has affected her life for the better. :-) I love you, my sibs. You ARE my family now whether you want to or not (and yes, that is a threat.)
Last night during Seabiscuit (say that name aloud. It'll brighten your day.), one of our projectors broke and so tonight, when I was TMing, we had to show it on one projector. This means there was a 2 minute or so pause of blank screen in between each reel; about every 20 minutes. We made an announcement at the beginning of each showing about it and saying that we would offer refunds for whoever didn't want to deal with it, and I was soo expecting to get mauled. Before I left for Hoyt, I asked Josh if he'd come with me to protect my life. He said maybe. I asked, "if I die, will you avenge my death?" To that, he also resonds "maybe". I think this is the best I'll ever get from him, so I guess this should make me happy.
12:21 AM
0 comments
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Personal Low, and I mean 'Low' in the Loosest of Terms
So today, I think I've reached a personal low in stupid things I've said. You'd think that either I or Mona would have gotten used to it by now, but it still seems to entertain us both.
First:
Nora: I feel like there's something I meant to do, but I don't remember what...
Mona: Study? Nap? Food?
Nora: I think it had to do with food...
Mona: Cook? Clean? More?
Nora: I had lunchables, there's nothing to clean. *pause* Oh.. pee!
So we had our good laugh, and then about half an hour later, I stretched with my hand in my back pocket. A bad idea:
Nora: Why do I pull my pants down when I stretch? *Mona starts to giggle. I turn to her* Stop listening to me when I say things!
I think I'm just so used to thinking out loud that it doesn't register when someone else is in the room. I really wonder if she's going to miss this next semseter when we move into the singles. I'm not sure if I'm going to know what to do if I have to fall asleep in quiet darkness instead of with her desk lamp on listening to her click away on her keyboard. We joke about how I"m going to make her come into my room at night and talk on my aim until 4 in the morning. At least, I hope we're joking.....I can really picture us getting bored, though, and going straight into the other person's room for company. I heart my Monie. Next year would suck if we're both RAs in completely different areas of campus. I'd go crazy without her in my general vicinity.....
Well we know what I'm not thinking about right now. ;-) Monie, thanks for being such an awesome roomie.
7:43 PM
0 comments
Monday, November 10, 2003
Ahhhhhhh
I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you’re always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close…
not even a little bit…
not even at all.
Why do I continue to do this to myself? I try to apologize for not being what he needs, and I know going into this ordeal that if I try to bring it up, knowing I already feel bad about it, all he's going to do is make me feel worse. Somehow, this doesn't stop me. So I apologize and all he can say is "it doesn't matter" over and over. That's the worst. Because it does matter. And I end up crying about it. I want to run up to him and scream because he doesn't see how much he's hurting me, or at least he doesn't care.
And as much as I bitch about this now, we all know as well as I do that I'll be going back. I always go back. And I always will go back.... this only sucks for the moment. This only looks like something terminal. I love him too much to ever leave. Damn you for being worth it, and damn me for knowing it.
12:45 AM
0 comments
Sunday, November 09, 2003
I'm sorry, sweetie
I'm so sorry, darling, that while you sit in the next room screaming on the phone and crying all I can do is sit here, listen, and write about it. I know nothing is easy, especially for you, and I really wish there was something I could do than be support. As much as I know that's the root of what everyone needs, I wish there was more.
This goes beyond you too (I'll let you guess what I"m talking about). There is so much I wish I could offer him that I don't know how. I wish things would be okay, but they never are. I wish it mattered to him that I can't do anything but sit around and worry. I wish that made a difference, but it doesn't. All he can do is shrug his shoulders and continue to see through me.
All I can do is worry. All I can do is ask why. All I can do is sit with you and rub your back while you cry. I'm sorry.
5:57 PM
0 comments
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Hehe
I'm always searching for new ways to make math fun (i.e. my mathematical proof of why Nikki's a bigger slut than me [will be posted soon]). Therefore, I give you:
Fun with phone numbers!
(it's pretty reflective of my mood that I just wrote "fuck" while trying to write "fun". I'm really pissed but don't feel like sharing, so :-P )
Ignore your area code and use only the 7 digit phone:
1) key-in the first 3 digits of your phone number into the calculator
2) multiply by 80
3) then plus 1
4) multiply by 250
5) plus last four digit of the phone number
6) plus last four digit of the phone number again
7) minus 250
8) divide by 2
11:47 PM
0 comments
Sunday, November 02, 2003
Relative Sanity
About an hour ago, I got hit with this sense that although everything may not be perfect, it's perfect for right now. I can close my eyes and picture how things fit together and I can know that this is the way they should be, and I can understand. Twice in the span of twelve hours I was asked why I keep going back to him after all the emotional stress he causes me time and time again, and the only answer I know to tell is that I know he's worth it. I can smile to myself and look into his eyes and see that his intentions are amazing even if he doesn't know how to show it. Even if our friendship isn't the best because neither of us know how to speak our minds without using words, I know what he means. I thought about this and I know now that it's right. I give myself no other option than to keep being there for him, and there is no other option that I would want.
Last night, I spent the entire evening with people that I normally don't spent heaploads of time with, and it was the most refreshing alternative I could have ever needed. It's like I got to shut myself off and take a vacation without leaving the premise. I got to know him on a level that I hadn't before, and it turned out to be one of those things where something just clicked and we bonded. They walked ahead of us most of the night and I got good chance to get to know him myself, and I'm glad. By the middle of the night it was just the three of us playing eXtreme ping-pong and were joined by a fourth player, also someone I've known but haven't gotten a good chance to talk to, and it was just perfect. I got kicked, bruised, ridiculed, hugged, and smiled at. There was really no better way to spend the night.
The thing that really got me, though, was thinking that maybe this threesome of elitest friendship isn't really what I need. Not to say that I don't love them and want to be friends with them - I'll always be grateful for their friendship - it's just that I like to have options and people that aren't so quick to judge. But just when it gets easy enough to think I'm beyond all of that, she calls me in her room and we end up talking about how she's having a nervous breakdown and is so glad that she has friends like us. And I realize that there really isn't anyone who has all their shit together. And I know that there's noplace I'd rather be than right here, right now. I can look at all the bonds I've made with people and see the progress of our mutual existances.
We're good.
9:38 PM
0 comments
Saturday, November 01, 2003
My mind as a camera
Sometimes, there's so much beauty in the world I can't stand it. Sometimes so much happens that I can only remember it as a series of snapshots, taken one right after the other.
The first snapshot of the night was me sitting on the couch waiting for the resounding knock on our door while he was lying next to me, head on my shoulder like a lost puppy come home. My right arm was draped accross his chest and he was holding both of my hands. As much as this was like a scene from Evanston, it took place in Rochester, and that kind of sentiment is something that can never be erased.
The camera flashes again, and this time it's a bit later and a bit dancier. I had a chinese emperor in front of me and a leprechaun in back, grinding me on both sides. In everyone's hand is a bottle. I tilt my head back, smiling, laughing, and shout "I'm in a Josh sandwich!"
This time, there are a bunch of people in mine and Mona's room, and we're playing random booty music; the kind that if you play loud enough you can feel through the floor, so it doesn't actually matter what it sounds like. You only dance to the vibrations coming in through your feet. I notice I have no partner, so I shake my way over to a priest and pretend he is here to be my humping post. He smiles, pretends to look disturbed, and starts shouting "whoa, whoa, whoa....do you see this?" He shakes his cross at me. "We have a barrier." With the word barrier, he puts down the cross and shapes his own in the air in front of him. I smile, give him a wry look, and say "I can dress like an alterboy if you'd like..."
Jump to much later in the night, and most everyone has had all the alcohol intake they're going to inbibe. A confused Indian makes a playlist on my computer and joins everyone else sitting in a cirlce in the common room, some on other people's laps so everyone has a seat. A good song comes on (for the life of me I don't remember what it is) and everyone sings along. Again this may sound like an Evanston party, but alas, it isn't. I'm still smiling.
Last snapshot isn't as much a snapshot as a video. He has obviously had too much to drink and he knows it; but these are the only times that he lets me hold him the way I do. I have my arm around his shoulders and he has his head resting on the base of my neck. With my other hand, I hold his and he squeezes gently. As he apologizes for letting things get out of hand, he lets me gently kiss his face by his eyes and my lips taste salty. I whisper how things are going to be okay, and I tell him I love him. He says "yeah, I love me too." I smile because this is one of the few times I'll ever hear him say so.
All the details I can remember from the night are piled up into things I can barely remember - I know I joined a gang but I don't remember what its name is; I can remember her saying she loves me and is glad I'm here because she doesn't know what she'd do without me, and I remember saying I love her too and I can only hope she woke up this morning with that still in her mind.
4:48 PM
0 comments
|
|
