Sunday, December 28, 2003
Never-ending cycle
So I was chillin' last night, on day 6 of "I haven't seen anyone and I'm going crazy" (the streak's official title), and I got this sudden pang in my heart that can only really be defined as being really really homesick for Rochester. And it kind of saddened me that over the course of the few weeks we had in between Thanksgiving break and the end of the semester I was bitching SO MUCH about wanting to be home. I know that's just due to there being so much stress about work and because of that so much stress socially (yeah we all know what we went through regarding each other...), and then now that I'm home I want to go back and feel free to chill with all my UR kiddies.
It seems so unfair.
I want to make a quick apology to everyone that I spent so much time with in Rochester who had to listen to me bitch uncontrolably about how perfect my social situations are in Evanston and how much I love everyone here to no end. Yes it's true that I love my "siblings" a great deal and would kill sometimes to have our cute cuddle-piles when I'm feeling down or to be able to de-stress with hours on end of mario kart with Mike throwing things at Aaron, but then once I'm here I'm just bitching again about wanting to be with my asian and my leprechaun and Gamer, who doesn't have any specific ethnicity (whether true or not) that I can make fun of yet. You guys really do a great deal to make me comfortable when I'm at school and I really do love you for it.
It's a weird balance that I have a good deal of work left to find. I wish I could be with my Evanston friends in Rochester and be able to show them who I am at school. I wish I could hang out with them so freely like I do when I'm there, i.e. no parents to tell us when to be home and no real authority to tell us what to do all the time. At the same time, though, I wish I could have Rochesterian friends in Evanston with me to see where my roots are, so to speak. So much of who I am is abundant here, shown in who I'm friends with and where I went to school and the town that raised me. I learned so much about Summer from going home with her and seeing her home environment, and I really can't wait until she comes here and can learn the same about me. I have a list of so many places already that I want her to see and experience. Likewise I wish I could bring home everyone from UR, but we'll see about that (Mona, come with!!!!).
Until then, I guess, I just kinda want Ben to call. I really want to hear someone's voice besides Summer's on my voicemail and Dan called me yesterday out of the blue, which was awesome. Ben's supposed to be the one who can show he cares about me and I've only kinda talked to him twice in the same day, online, since I've been back. He works full time, which is hard, and I don't know his hours or else I'd call him every so often. But I do really miss his voice. I want to see how this works.
Ahh. Sorry, everyone, I'll be better about this soon, I promise.
3:43 PM
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Wednesday, December 24, 2003
AH!
Mona and I have reached a new peak in Stupid Things We've Done:
Mona: next time it would be
Mona: (badam) what did you say? (/badam)
Nora: GROSS
Nora: no
Mona: :P
Mona: (norastupidity) yeah? (/norastupidity)
Nora: (monaisawhore) you suck (/monaisawhore)
Mona: (noralikesass) see you did it too, hahah (/noralikesass)
*note: in the IM, the parenthesis weren't parenthesis but then blogger kinda ate the html. So.....it just kinda made this look slightly more retarded. Woohoo! Hearts for Monie!
11:57 PM
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Beauty. ....?
So one of the days I first got home, I was walking around downtown evanston doing some holiday shopping. I went down Davis for some reason or another, and in that parking garage next to Quizzno's that's meant for the rich fuckers who live in those humungous condos, I glance in and there's a homeless guy peeing on someone's Audi. I couldn't help but smile.
I told this story to Caleb and he said I should have either cheered him on or joined him. Thus is why I adore Caleb.
10:38 PM
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Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Oh Good Lord
Home!! I never thought it would be so sweet. Sorry I haven't been here in so long, it's been a really busy few days. I've really only been hangin' out and chillin' with all my kids; walking around everywhere because I live downtown finally. Gabe Patay always amazes us with his enterances, I kind of pregamed Mike's family's Hannukah party (how'd your mom like to hear THAT?), and I've somehow managed to find time to come online every so often and talk to the Josh.
In short, it's been good, and I've been happy.
3:03 PM
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Friday, December 19, 2003
Sweet sweet freedom
Eeeeeee only 3 and a half more hours to Evanston!!!!!!!!
*heart* *heart* *heart*
4:05 PM
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Thursday, December 18, 2003
oh Hannah....
Hannah: HUGE FACES AREN'T SEXY
Auto response from Nora: Legolas's face is gonna be huge. I can't wait. :-*
Hannah: if you can climb in their mouth, it goes beyond sexy and becomes wrong.
Nora: hahah it's things like this that make me love you, Hannah
Hannah: well, it's things like you being attracted to giant faces that make ME love YOU
Hannah: so there
Nora: fine
Nora: you win
12:54 AM
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Monday, December 15, 2003
Phone Calls with Erik Make Everything Okay
Erik: What was that? Happy Tuesday?
Nora: No, it was Nice Thursday, but I like this Happy Tuesday idea. Where can I sign up?
Erik: *pause* I don't know whether to be nice or mean... It's not Tuesday yet.
Nora: Yeah, you've got a couple hours.... but wait, Happy Tuesday doesn't entail being nice. As long as you insult me with a smile on your face, we're good.
9:19 PM
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One more never hurt
 | You are 36% geek | You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.
Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend.
You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines!
Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals!
You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.
|
Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com
Wooo. I wonder if I"ll get lucky with the mistletoe we put up in the suite last night....
6:49 PM
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out of this gutter
I think all I can say about this weekend is:
The definition of best friend is someone who will come over when you're upset and you're still in pajamas, braless, haven't washed your face yet for the morning, still wearing your retainer, haven't brushed your teeth, probably smell bad since you've been stressed and drinking the night before, and will still cuddle with you on your bed while you bitch about everything that's wrong in the world. You're the best, Josh.
2:09 AM
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Saturday, December 13, 2003
Suicide as a Spectator Sport
So I guess everything's returning more or less to normal. Some of the ridiculous tension has gone away, but oh don't worry, more is on its way.
You yelled at me today about how I neglect you. You say I make you feel rejected. Who spends more time rejecting who around here? Who's the one who makes me feel like shit for not being you? I hate how I try and think I'm doing what you need and all it turns out to be is making you feel rejected. All that's gonna happen is trying harder. It'll never stop.
So I've also gotten my 4 billionth reminder in the past I-dont-know-how-long that I'm really gonna be alone forever. I hate hearing this constant "I'm attracted to you but I can't see us dating" kind of thing. This is why I never show myself to people. I spend so much time convincing myself that if people know who I really am beneath the "I'll say anything retarded because it makes people laugh" thing, I'm just gonna get hurt. Apparently this time hasn't gone to waste, seeing as how I haven't been proven wrong so much. Everyone I open up to that I think I could see myself with and who could prove some stability for me has said something about how I'm great but I'm just not right. What the fuck are you looking for? Quit being scared that I could make you happy. So instead I get to sit around and think about it. I get that nagging feeling in my heart where it takes all my energy to not cry.
I swear there will be a time when this isn't so depressing. I'll make a promise now that my next post will be something happy. But for right now, what you [don't] see is what you get. Have fun.
12:46 AM
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Monday, December 08, 2003
How many times to these songs appear here?
I know you're not asleep
I can feel you moving over there
You've been playing with the seam
In your worn out underwear
My lips are raw as hell
From biting on them just to stay awake
It's not like I'm gonna need them, you won't be around
To see them bleed and break
All that I do, comes back to you
So I'll just think about you 'til there's nothing in my head
All I can do, is try not to screw this up again
And just be friends, I'd rather be dead
I drove out of east Atlanta
With a headache the size of my car
I called to say I was okay
'Cause I know how you are
I'm like a movie without an ending
You know I've got nowhere to go
And it makes me wanna throw up
To see you wanna give up
More than you'll ever know
Everything's supposed to have a happy ending
But the record keeps skipping and the needle keeps bending
Like the road I'm driving to the bridge that has no end
I wanna take back everything that I've broken
But the bridges behind me are burning and smokin'
I guess this is the end
--Cigarette Lighter Love Song
Marvelous 3
All I know, is that this ain't how it's supposed to be now
All I know, yeah this might leave a mark
8:20 PM
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Out of Control
You came back. Everyone told me you would and not to worry, but you're back.
Kind of.
You tell me I can't do that to people. You say that all I did was walk all over you. What the fuck do you think you do to me all the fucking time? But no, I know you don't think of it that way. You think you're being a bad friend and I feel bad for you and do whatever I can. I'll pretend that you understand that even though I'm not always what you need, I'm trying and that means something. You just see me not being what you want, though, and keep me around for your own amusement. This painful cycle ends in you breaking my heart every. single. time. I'll just keep coming back over and over again, deluding myself into thinking that maybe I'd have a chance with you.
That'll never happen, and I still can't get over you.
Because of you I'm probably going to do something that's really stupid and mess up something that could keep me sane. Because of you someone innocent is probably gonna get hurt.
I'm tired of hurting people. You do this to me more often than you think.
I'm tired of always being wrong. I know I was this time, but this time isn't the point. You made me believe that I hurt you because I had a chance with you, but even then I'm wrong. Fat fucking chance, Nora. I'll waste my life waiting for you. You did the same thing to me, just not in front of my face. So now it seems that either a) it's okay when YOU do it or b) it's okay to do so behind your back, just not where you can see. Neither of these should be okay. But it's okay, it's obvious now that you didn't give a shit then and you don't give a shit now, but I'm stupid enough to sit here and wait.
You tell me not to regret it. Fuck you.
You spend every day of our friendship breaking my heart and I'm the one who always feels bad. You tell me that whether or not I like it, I've made my choice and lost you, but I don't think you gave me anything to lose. I know that that's a lie, too, but it sounds good so I'm keeping it. The fact still remains, though, that five days ago was probably the best day of my life and it'll never happen again.
This will be the only chance I have to say this, because later I'll only be crawling back to you. Like now, like always.
6:12 PM
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Sunday, December 07, 2003
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
This weekend was, by far, the most random series of events. There's no way I could describe it as a story and have it make sense to you, so I won't try.
You'd think a weekend that starts off normally would end up normally, but you'd be sadly mistaken. I can imagine the look in your eyes as you, probably painfully (I can only hope), told me to never speak to you again; full of some sort of knowledge that you're probably lying. I've never come so close to losing a best friend, and I don't even know why.
Despite your reactions, my company understood and did whatever possible to help. My rem cycle was accompanied by two, not one, people in the span on 26 hours. This was my first and second time since being at UR that I didn't have to sleep alone. And the second time, however pleutonic, was still kind of weird. I couldn't bring myself to get too far out of the corner of my bed in fear that it would seem too much like sleeping with you instead of sleeping in the same bed as you. The former would just have been too.........not right, although that was probably the first time since winter hit that I wasn't cold.
From here on, I can only imagine that things will get better. I had another sting of not being able to wait to get back to Evanston where people are normal, but I know that's not always true. I lost a friend and gained another, and from what everyone tells me you'll be coming back anyway. I don't want to lose you, and for some odd reason I'm sure I haven't. I just don't know anymore....talk to me, okay?
8:33 PM
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Friday, December 05, 2003
I win!
You're a True Punk. You know that punk isn't all
about studded jackets and mohawks. If you're
political, you're actually informed. Most of
the stuff you love is from before the 80s,
though you know bands like Fugazi kept the
spirit going.
You Know Yer Indie. Let's Sub-Categorize.
brought to you by Quizilla
Hooray for everyone. Except Alex 'cause he stole Henrietta.
4:19 PM
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Wednesday, December 03, 2003
....
The hardest thing I've had to do in a long time is not kiss you tonight. You provided me with ample opportunity as well as hinted that you'd accept it if I tried. I just don't want to set myself up for more disappointment, which is what would inevitably happen. You've made it abundantly clear that we're never going to be together, so I guess I should stop kidding myself.
11:49 PM
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Tuesday, December 02, 2003
Noooo
I had something really funny that Micah said to me that now is no longer saved on my clipboard. Bullocks. In a nutshell, I asked Micah if he'd marry me, and he said "sure, but I won't buy you a ring and I may see other women."
I agreed.
Hooray for husbands!
9:50 PM
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Monday, December 01, 2003
Some songs never get less amazing
The Actor
Alan Sufrin
Take careful notice
while you watch the actor take to the stage
He is bold, he is wise, has an image in his eyes
of the spotlight on his face
Some days just moreso than other days
Maybe G-d makes souls in pairs
Maybe there's one for the making and one for the taking of love
Now the actor's reciting these lines
Never hiding enough
Could it be that I'm a stranger here?
Now the crowd gives up a quaking roar
For the actor as he leads by the door
As he looks unto the eastern sky
He curses the moon in want of the hot spotlight
See, when once occured,
The other soul in his life
He told her that the moon dictated and G-d had faded for love.
And the moon at night was just like tonight above
He cried, "could it be that I'm an actor now?
Will I have to make do somehow?
Where the hell am I to find the lies for me to say when she's around?"
Now the key term in the scene before
Once occured, they don't speak anymore
When she turned her face away, a piece of the actor died that day
No one can turn his mind around
Not anyone - but the woman who claims that she can hold
on the heart of a man who wasn't gold
And somebody knew the actor say
that he dreads the night and hates the day
But the only thing the actor can do
Is raise his fist and shout at the moon,
"Is it clear that I'm the actor here?
Or am I sincere?
Am I up for changing my facade?
Or am I up for another night of tears?"
Take careful notice
For the actor could not see
what life would be without the one
The moon had told him she's the one
G-d makes souls in pairs my friend
G-d makes souls in pairs my friend
G-d makes souls in pairs
Can you see that I'm an actor now?
8:47 PM
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