Sunday, May 30, 2004
maybe you would understand...
Finally got around to reinstalling windows on this beast (my laptop), it looks like it'll start working again. At least norton antivirus isn't being stupid anymore, although I still need to update it to keep this crap from happening again. Rowr. Umm. Things. I don't know what else is going on. Evanston is still pretty boring, but it's been raining a lot and that's pretty. I saw the Day After Tomorrow with Mom tonight, and it's every bit as ridiculous as you'd imagine. I didn't even know Jake Gyllenhaal was in it until yesterday when he was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. This is such a step down from Donnie Darko, and even from The Good Girl, which I think was the last thing he's done. And that wasn't so great...
11:36 PM
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Friday, May 28, 2004
pack up your rules
Thinking hurts. I can't think anymore. It's inescapable.
8:03 PM
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Thursday, May 27, 2004
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Today's icky. I've had the worst cramps since high school, I think; the days when I'd get a pass to the nurse's office and then usually go home to take my "don't you fucking dare wake me up" naps. I thought about leaving early but ehh, no such luck. I dealt with it and now I get to go home in 5 minutes, just waiting for it. We had a staff meeting today, the whole office in one room. Ordered pizza & had cake 'cause Luiz, one of the tech support guys, turned 26 Monday. That led into a whole "20something people" vs "everyone else" debate, and most of them thought I wasn't 20 yet. Both Carrie and Jean brought their dogs in, Emmett and Toshi, respectively, so that was kinda cute. I like having Emmett around the office, he sits by my chair and looks cute. Last year when I had Toshi to deal with, she'd sit on my keyboard and everyone knows she bites so I was too scared to move her. My ex-dog lives about a block away from here. I should go visit.
4:55 PM
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Wednesday, May 26, 2004
It'll be worth it to stand in line
I'm at work. The internet finally works here; Tom must have replaced the broken router while I was in Boston. Anyway, hooray, more mindless yummies instead of doing work. :-)
4:18 PM
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Tuesday, May 25, 2004
no music right now
Hmm. So I just got back from Boston for Anna's gradution today, and so I figured I should write something. The weekend, all in all, was pretty crappy. Anna puts a lot of stock in people recognizing her, and so when she didn't make honors credit, she let it ruin her day. So she was really mope-y, which made Mom angry, and I just kind of followed along. That kind of followed along for the rest of the weekend. Josh called Sunday night and kept me goin', I told him I'd come out to see him this summer. I'd really like to; it gives me something to look forward to, also.
What else happened.... on Monday night we went to the Cheers resturaunt for dinner and after driving around for half an hour trying to get home we ended up on the same road where we started from; right in front of the freakin' restaurant. So it was literally a half-hour circle. And then another half an hour to find our hotel. Good lord never drive in Boston.
We got home today and Mom drove us by Robert Crown to see the memorial benches put up for Dad. Something about a gradution - this "milestone", that makes me wish Dad was here to see it. I know wherever he is he's proud of Anna for finishing college, but I still wish he was there. Anyway, the benches just two regular-looking wooden benches on the Lee Street side of the park with a little plaque on the back with his picture on it and a list of contributors. On the plaque on the left, someone took a sharpie to his face. I took that picture. I hate people.
Anyway I should to bed, I have to work in the morning and I didn't sleep well last night since my sister's snoring woke me up at 4 am and I couldn't get back to sleep for nearly 2 hours. I started getting a pounding headache and anxiety about wanting to sleep. I considered calling Josh to calm me down but I didn't think he'd appreciate a phone call at 5something in the morning, so I put on headphones and fell asleep to the first draft of our acoustic mix.
10:49 PM
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Wednesday, May 19, 2004
these hospital walls are the palest of white
Can't you see that I wanna be there with open arms
It's empty tonight and I'm all alone
Get me through this one
and it goes into One Year Six Months. I hate this. And nothing is going to change; not on my end anyway. I'll still miss you. I'll still spend my day thinking about you and waiting to get home so I can talk to you. This fact doesn't require you to believe it in order to be true. The rest is up to you.
11:08 PM
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Monday, May 17, 2004
the horses and cattle are his only companions
I stopped carrying around a random, mostly-blank notebook with me for whatever reason, and today I realized what a mistake that was. I'm putting it back in to record all the little things that may deserve remembering. In its place, today, was a sheet of computer paper taken from Nicki's desk at work:
"5.17.04, 1:16 pm
Feeling obnoxiously faint, almost having trouble breathing. I thought writing it down would be another form of its existance, so it doesn't have to exist in me anymore.
This morning I thought, while walking to work and listening to my mix "I rock for having the balls to follow Wilco's 'I'm the Man Who Loves You' with Despwa's 'This Time.', only to find out later that my discman was set on random and I really didn't have the balls at all.
Nicki's desk is without a computer. Fuck.
Yesterday I was filling Mom's gas tank across the street from Statue Park, and I saw a man rollerblading by through the park. He was obviously a novice, rather old; skating perfectly upright with both arms completely extended to the sides, head tilted slightly back. Not skating. Gliding. I miss being able to observe things like this.
This piece of paper is a shitty excuse for a paper journal.
Sometimes, we DO need to bring ink and paper into this."
7:34 PM
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maybe there's nothing up in the sky but air
It feels like I'm crying until I wiped it away and it was just blood.
1:26 AM
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Sunday, May 16, 2004
you make this rockin' world go round
My internal monologue has now become ridden with a slight southern accent. Somewhere deep within my subconscious, I'm sure I think it makes me sound more humble, which is obviously what I'm aiming at.
I went with Mom & her friend Paul tonight to go see Supersize Me, a documentary where this guy read a court case where a couple teenagers were suing McDonalds for causing their obesity. McDonald's claim was that they wouldn't have a case unless it was proven that eating their food every day caused problems. So, this guy ate nothing but McDonalds and their over-the-counter products 3 meals a day for 30 days. His doctors told him he could die. It was pretty well-done, kind of Michael Moore-ish, but obviously not done as well, since I'm sure Michael Moore is the master of doing things Michael Moore-ish. There was one pretty hysterical moment where, on day 3, he got some double cheeseburger meal and had it supersized (in his rules he stated that he would supersize the meal if the person behind the counter asked), and couldn't finish it and threw up outside his car window. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing, not so sure why. Morbid sense of humor I guess. Anyway it was worth seeing, even though it doesn't take a 2 hour documentary to know that fast food is shit and will deteriorate your body. I, of course, took the liberty of having dinner beforehand at Chipotle, which is McDonalds owned. Thought it would add a little poetic justice.
11:27 PM
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Friday, May 14, 2004
song of my head
First day back at work. What a surprise, it's like nothing has changed. I spent the morning "cleaning up" lindsay's office, which is also the new storeroom, to make room for a desk for me, which is now pointless since we found out near the end of it that I already have a workspace set up with my own desk & computer in the north tower. Hooray. Then, this afternoon, I spent the last hour alphabetizing the B section of the file holder, yet to be filed. Probably monday. But my eyes hurt and I've been checking my watch a lot. And it's the first day.
4 more months to Rochester...!
3:43 PM
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Thursday, May 13, 2004
is this thing on?
Who wants to help me fix my router? I finally got around to calling their Tech Support today and they kept me on the phone for a whopping 2 hours while getting NOTHING fixed. After getting disconnected 3 times and getting my call bumped up to a "senior technician", all the guy could conclude was that I needed to download a more recent version of internet explorer. Mom bought this computer after she moved, so it must have been in late October... the router was purchased in December.... yeah I don't think that's the problem. I need more CS geek in my blood so I can figure this out on my own. Rowr. It just made me mad.
So later tonight I went to the grocery store with Mom to get her some sugar-free ice cream (she's doing a semi-atkin's diet and I can't get enough of giving her shit for it), and while there she asked why I threw out some fake-meat sausage that I didn't eat the night before. I told her that I made too many, so I ate 2 and threw out the third. I said my eyes were bigger than my stomach. Without missing a beat she mutters "but your eyes are so small..." It makes me miss Rochester....
11:59 PM
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Wednesday, May 12, 2004
all I want to hear is your voice
One of my favorite pasttimes is, and always will be, driving in the rain with my arm out the window, feeling the drops hit my bare forarm like tiny tiny knives that can't break the skin.
Can you tell it's been raining a lot? Too bad it isn't anything substantial enough to be really good. Just enough for driving to the grocery store blasting "Best of Me" and "Walking on Broken Glass" and letting those tiny knives consume me.
10:18 PM
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you're my favorite thing about the west coast
So I'm home. This is day 3. I just...don't want to be here. Simple as that. Sunday morning I woke up, finished packing, & almost started crying at the airport saying goodbye to Josh. It's so sad when you realize it's really here and there's still this chance I'm not going to see him for four months. I suppose there's still time to get used to this. This... passing out from bordom when mom goes to bed at 11 and then waking up hours upon hours later to sit around, alternating between the computer and the bed to watch stupid daytime tv. All in mom's room, of course, since the rest of the place is overrun by people ripping out and putting in floor. Makes me uncomfortable to leave, so I confine myself to the same ten foot by ten foot square. Yes the room is bigger than that, but I don't go into most of it.
So this is what I've been up to since I last posted. Josh called last night from his Lacuna Coil concert and left a message on my phone that was Heaven's A Lie, my favorite song by them. I couldn't tell what it was and didn't listen. Then he told me and I still couldn't tell much, but it was beautiful that he thought of me. Thank you. It really made me happy.
3:23 PM
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Sunday, May 09, 2004
we never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up
The worst is over
and you can have the best of me
This song only got better in acoustics.
Anyway, I'm going home tomorrow morning, around 2 hours after I wake up so it's like this is my last time here. I've been really jittery tonight, got sick at one point and then shook for about an hour while Josh tried to calm me down. I'm so bad at leaving. And I know it's not forever, and that I'm not going into seclusion so communication lines are still going to be open and frequented (especially from work where I have nothing to but sit around on aim for hours), but it'll still be weird without having something besides a picture to look at, and nothing to hold. It'll just be lonely.
12:30 AM
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Friday, May 07, 2004
364 days I'm in hell
I'm done! Woooo! No more work-related stress for the summer. Woo.
In other news, Happy Birthday Erkie. :-)
8:33 PM
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Wednesday, May 05, 2004
so you think of how it should have been
AHHHHHHH!!!!
P.S. thanks Monie for buying crackers. :-)
4:17 PM
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Feel it all and know that this will pass
Note: crackers are SO MUCH better for washing down Round 1 than anything liquid, because when Round 2 comes around, it'll get stuck in the back of your throat. Always keep around a box of triscuits.
Why does it so happen that Goldfinger's self-titled album sings my life? Every song. In order:
I can see from my mind's eye
I make up senarios in my head
I remember the things I did
I know I fucked up and I wish I was dead
What is it that scares me
What do I care what you think
Cause you only hurt me
And with your words I shrink
So when I see you
Please understand the way I think
Your smile it heals me
I never want to go away
Believe I love you
No matter how selfish I get
I know you'll help me
The way I feel I won't forget
When I wake up tomorrow
Will you still feel the same?
When I wake up tomorrow
Will you have changed?
'cuz I still feel the same
If I could take it away
You know I would
Makin' plans to rule the world
Spread yourself way too thin.
You're wishing that you were king
it's killing you.
Denying that you're just a man
Makes you tire out.
You're always runnin.'
And if I write this song to you,
would you listen up?
'cuz this is your life, it's not mine.
Then when I see you I forget the pain
And melt away with you
Only a day is passed and
I can't help but feel that I've lost you
it's not your time, yeah.
Feel it all and know that this will pass.
So you can cry about it.
The tears can help you heal inside.
I can see that you don't want anything
I can see sometimes you don't want me
How much do you want?
and how far can I take you?
How bad does this hurt?
How much do I want you?
How blunt can I be?
so when can I see you?
Will it ever be?
and how deep is my love?
I can still feel the sting your hand across my face
Again the last thing that I wanted was to hurt you
All I want
is a picture for me to look at
All I need
for me to look at you when you're not there
I'm lost again and I found you
and I'm so glad you're here
I can't believe I deserve you
I thought I'd let you know
Note: I skipped about 3 songs 'cause they were songs like "My Girlfriend's Shower Sucks" and the song about why LA sucks.
12:43 AM
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Monday, May 03, 2004
Make it Happen
"there is something refreshing about symmetry"
reminds me of
"Some scientists believe that chaos rules the Universe."
this I just like.
12:52 AM
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Saturday, May 01, 2004
After all the bad endings and misunderstandings...
I don't want to say that all my "panic attacks", as it's easiest to refer to them, from high school are coming back, but I was hit kinda hard last night and it's...weird. I was standing with Josh at Water Street watching some opening band play, and I got that oh-so-familiar tight feeling, like it was hard to breathe. Like I had something strangling me. It got bad enough that I had to take off my necklace because I couldn't handle having it touch my neck, and I never remove jewelry. I don't really remember too much while we were still standing there, just staring straight ahead of me, not necessarily at the stage, and clutching my arm so tight that I broke skin. Feeling that was better than not feeling anything. So I told Josh that I was feeling clausterphobic & that I was gonna go stand in the back where it was much less congested & get some water from the bar, and he came with me. And now that I think about it, it's sad that that surprised me. I know Josh is always going to take care of me.
Well it worked, & I was doing much better by the end of the 2nd set. Josh wanted an Early November shirt, and thought the guy working the merchandise booth looked shady so he made me buy it for him. Which is both really silly and really endearing [I guess is the word I'm looking for]. We went upstairs to the little balcony thing up there, and found an open stool so Josh sat down & I kind of sat on one of his knees. We watched Early November and Less Than Jake like that. It was really cool being able to look down on everything and see the energy... the band and fans alike. I'd try to describe it but I don't think I'd be able to, besides trying to say that the bassist for Early November is... scarily energetic & I was sure he was going to make himself dizzy and fall over, but he didn't.
I don't really know where I'm going with this...I started writing & then took a break for a few hours so now I'm not really feeling it anymore. Goodnight.
2:23 AM
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