Blind Eyes Closed

----The time is now. ----"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart."

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If you could look like anything...anything at all....what would you look like? I'd be the wind. ...........It's easy to be someone's friend when all you need is someone to console you. It's much harder to be there for them when they're happy all the time. .............Even when I say nothing, it's a beautiful use of negative space.

Blind Eyes Closed

Monday, March 31, 2003

Who does he think he is??? No one should be able to make me feel like such shit for trying to be their friend. Fine if he needs his space, but don't try to make me feel like an asshole because I try to break down those barriers and truly be there for him. I know nothing's easy. Nothing's ever easy. Nothing will ever be easy. But that's not the point.

I don't know why I let him do this to me. I'm supposed to be strong. This isn't supposed to happen. He means more to me as a friend than anything and hearing him ask me "what's your problem" in that tone when all I want to do is be his friend is fucking unbearable. Fuck it. I'm not doing this anymore. But I know, as we all know, that however much I say that...I'll do it again and keep doing it until he feels better. I just want everything to be okay for everyone and maybe that isn't fair and maybe that isn't the way things are supposed to be, but it's the way I've taught myself to feel and it's the way I care about others.

Maybe it just hurts too much to think that maybe I can't help. I can't be everyone's mother and best friend all the time. There are going to be those moments when he and everyone else really does just need to be alone and feel sad. I'll just have to teach myself differently, I guess. I just don't want to.

12:38 PM 0 comments

Sunday, March 30, 2003

Why does Less Than Jake always seem to come up with the perfect lyrics to set their mood?

she said "it's done"
second chances seem to never come

7:27 PM 0 comments

I think I've been going slightly crazy lately. Housing is going on now, and, of course, things were bound to go wrong. We decided months ago that we were going to apply to be in a suite - the trips, mona, margaret, and pilar. We did the forms, turned them in weeks ahead of the deadline, and thought everything was going to be cool.

Then, the night they were due, Nancy sends an e-mail to me and Summer saying that we should apply to live in the Drama house 'cause they're looking for people. So we do the applications just because, and went to the interviews, and found out today that we've all been accepted.

That's so not fair to the other girls. I know Nancy really wants to live in the Drama House, and although I think it would be cool....it's not cool. I don't want to push around Mona, Pilar, and Margaret like that. But, of course, there's no convincing Nancy of that. She's somehow convinced that if we decline to live in the drama house, we wouldn't get our suite and would be forced to live on the quad in rooms that are far apart and she wouldn't know who her roomate is and she's terrified of that.

I'm just sick of it.

Summer and I just sat her down today and forced it into her head that we can't do that to the girls and fuck everything up so she can sleep easier tonight. Not everything is that simple.

It's all a fucking headache and I lost my election today and AHHHHHH. I need it to be summertime and I need to be home relaxing NOW.

7:15 PM 0 comments

Saturday, March 29, 2003

While messing with my computer:
Nora: What are you trying to do?
Jeff: Eat children.

3:47 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

I HUGGED MICHAEL MOORE!!!!!!!!!

11:51 PM 0 comments

Sunday, March 23, 2003

I always thought it was normal to live my life as though no one ever is going to remember me. When I started driving I was scared to pull out into traffic because I was sure other cars wouldn't see me and hit me straight on at any time. I think the greatest compliment I ever get is when people I recognize from somewhere comes up to me and says "hey, Nora...don't I know you from....?" I'm always in shock that someone thinks I'm noticeable enough to remember later.

It still amazes me that other people don't live like this. What is that makes me different?

11:40 PM 0 comments

Saturday, March 22, 2003

Sometimes being subtle and petty are the only way to go about things.

On her white erase board outside her room, Laura drew a picture of an American flag and underneath wrote "support _your_ country and its armed forces." We didn't want to erase it because that would be mean, so on Nancy's board across the hall we wrote "I have an idea, let's go kill more innocent civilians so their families will have nothing better to do with their time than destroy U.S.". Later tonight Summer got an idea and we took a red dry-erase marker, erased her beautiful rendition of our stars and stripes, and replaced it with a Maple leaf.

1:49 AM 0 comments

Thursday, March 20, 2003

	Friend Bear You are everyone's ideal friend because you are sincere and genuinely kind. Sometimes you worry about your friends' problems so much, you forget about your own responsibilities, which can get you into trouble. For you, it's the little things that really count. You also happen to be the main driver of the Cloud Car. No speeding!
*Take the Which Care Bear Are You?* Quiz!**

12:18 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

Making fun of Jeff never gets less funny:

Sam: there's a famous anthropologist named Keesing who figured prominently in my paper
Sam: so funny
Sam: i was rereading it and it hit me
Nora: what'd he say?
Nora: haha
Sam: who?
Nora: the antropologist
Sam: ohhh
Nora: I'm hoping his discoveries will end up being very ironic
Sam: made some very nice definitions of sociocultural systems, culture, personal style...
Sam: hah, the personal style is kind of ironic
Nora: mission complete
Nora: what is it?
Sam: essentially, it states that things that are fairly small deviations from the norm that can be attributed to a person's own style
Nora: from what norm?
Nora: of anything?
Sam: you can twist it around however you want
Sam: whatever a cultural norm may be
Sam: i.e.
Sam: NOT jeff's hair
Nora: hahahahahhaa
Sam: unless it's a weatherman norm

5:14 PM 0 comments

Sun4shine84: you flatter me:-*
Auto response from Booobay: Sometimes, you make me feel like a whore.
Booobay: this is why you're the coolest person ever, Mary
Sun4shine84: lol, no nora... YOU are the coolest person in the world
Booobay: well yeah

5:10 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

Boy did I ever call that one. We talked again yesterday and he gave me some bullshit lines about how I deserve something better than him, and some not-so-bullshit lines about how he's really depressed, doesn't want to bring anyone down with him, and that he can't handle change right now.

In short, I'm going crazy.

Up until these past couple days, I could handle these butterflies in my stomach and this feeling that has rooted itself in my soul by convincing myself that there may be that crazy small chance that he feels something too. And even though my mind was always telling me that he didn't think of me in any other context than a really good friend (which I am thankful for), we had never talked about it and so that chance still existed. Now I know it's gone. I don't believe that him not wanting to date me is a good reason for me to stop wanting to date him, so I'm not going to try to convince myself otherwise. I just wish he wouldn't think I'd be happier with someone else. If I thought I would be happier with someone else then I wouldn't feel like this towards him.

I think what he was saying Sunday night and what his kisses were telling me were very different. I just want the chance to make him happy. I told him Sunday night, while we were both cradled in each other's grasp, that I would love nothing more than to be able to hold him always and make all his pain go away and make everything okay, and his response was "I'm right here." Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but.....

Oh I don't know anymore. All I know is that I can't stop thinking about him. I miss him so much and it's not like he went anywhere. We're closer as friends as we've ever been, and he promised me that that isn't going to change, no matter what happens.

I've had the phrase "we only accept the love we think we deserve" on repeat in my head for days. I don't know if that's good or not.

2:04 PM 0 comments

Monday, March 17, 2003

Josh's away message:
skating around college at 1am with my cat ears on, with nora... now how much weirder can i get?

....and that pretty much sums up my night. We ended up sitting on the compass in the middle of the quad for two hours holding each other and talking. I said some stuff that I've been waiting to say for months now, when I was still waiting for the perfect moment. Tonight, it came. I would have given anything to stay out there forever in the silent night holding him as tightly as I can while laying in his arms, quietly watching the stars and just understanding. But alas, the cold air and harsh realization that we both have class in the morning lifted the haze we were in, and were forced to come inside to go to sleep.

I'll go crazy thinking about what tomorrow may bring. As much as I might make it sound, this has a good probability of not ending well. Wish me luck, I guess...

1:49 AM 0 comments

Sunday, March 16, 2003

I've never had a more relaxing week. Missouri was lovely, and getting home was busy but delightful. Now I'm back in Rochester, and ready to end this semester. :-) I love you all and it was great seeing you, and as weird as it feels to be in Evanston and love it there but still miss Rochester...it happened. And I'm happy I'm back at school. I'm not so happy about having all this multitude of work, but just being here and seeing my girls.....

Still waters run deep.

5:56 PM 0 comments

Saturday, March 08, 2003

I went to the bank this morning to deposit some checks, and I kept looking up on the streets of downtown Evanston to see "Evanston Home Loan" and "Evanston this" and "Evanston that" and it hit me that I'm here. It feels like I never left.

Although I must say, you don't really know you're in Evanston until you call Gabe Patay and tell him that Less Than Jake is coming to town and his response is "Well, they can kiss my big sweet ass." in that Gabe-Patay sarcasm. I can't help but smile.

2:47 PM 0 comments

Friday, March 07, 2003

beligerantly drunk on a Thursday night. No better timing, I say....

I got some good bonding in with the Trips, though. We watched The New Guy, which is the worst movie I've ever seen next to Master of Disguise. We watched about two thirds of it, took a break for dinner and getting Summer's car, and then decided that for the duration of the movie, we would each take a shot for every time something stupid happened in the movie.

In that last half hour, I think we took somewhere around 9 or 10 shots each.

There is no logic.

We had a good time flashing flood lights into Kees's room from accross the way, leaving messages on Gabe's cell phone, and chillin' on Sam's hall. I know we acted stupid and were falling all over everything, but I distinctly remember everyone in Sam's room laughing, and making someone smile like that is all I could have asked for. I woke up and checked Gabe's away message, which was:

Auto response from WeeGee41: *tsk* *tsk* Nora, you should never drink that much....... sleep is good though; time for that

I must say....everything was worth it.

Now I'm six hours away from Evanston, and I've never been more excited.

11:51 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, March 05, 2003

My biggest fear right now is that I'm going to get back to Evanston and still not feel better.

I had a talk with Erik a couple nights ago, and you know how that always goes....as much as I love him to pieces, and I know I'm lucky to have a friend who knows me so well and tells me everything about myself to my face, it's still hard sometimes. I don't want to have to admit that this is really how I am and that maybe there are some people who don't approve and maybe I should be different. Time to move on. I don't know how. I wish things would be okay.

I just want you to be proud of me, and I don't even know if that's what I'm thinking. I'm not sure there are words to describe how I want you to perceive me. We set these standards for each other so high that nothing will ever be enough. The only option that isn't there is to lower the bar.

I think it's the best part about our friendship.

4:03 PM 0 comments

Followup conversation with Jeff "The Kees" Keesing:

Jeff: should i be concerned that i'm the "Kees"
Nora: no!!!
Nora: it's good times, Jeff
Jeff: uh huh
Nora: I promise
Nora: I wouldn't lie to you, Jeff!!
Jeff: uh huh
Nora: you know it
Jeff: house of leaves?
Nora: yes
Nora: Jeff Monheit has it
Nora: not you
Jeff: ahhhhhh
Jeff: that conversation was entirely too long
Nora: yes
Nora: I realize that now
Nora: I could cut it down
Nora: but that would take so much effort
Jeff: i would recommend it
Nora: I'll do it when I add a picture
Nora: hahahah
Jeff: NO
Nora: my friends from home need a reference@
Nora: !!
Jeff: ...
Nora: other people read that
Nora: and don't know who you are
Jeff: i'm "the" kees
Nora: none other
Nora: but they don't understand the reference to your weatherman-hair
Jeff: it isn't weathermanish
Jeff: i adamantly deny these allegations
Nora: says you

11:07 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, March 04, 2003

For reference, THIS is the "Kees":

9:16 PM 0 comments

Monday, March 03, 2003

NAFTA on Crack: I was definitely expecting that message to be sent at 4AM instead of 4PM
Booobay: haha why?
NAFTA on Crack: You sounded like you'd been awake for 40 hours
NAFTA on Crack: ;-)
NAFTA on Crack: It was beautiful

11:28 PM 0 comments

Sunday, March 02, 2003

Booobay: great away message :-)

Auto response from Viper2002: "Please put up an away message about how you're going to kill me" - Nora

Just for that, i'm not putting that in my away message

9:07 PM 0 comments

Stage. Their bassist is the spitting image of Kurt Cobain. I told Summer that I had never had the urge to hump the leg of a complete stranger so badly. Her response was to tell me "well, good thing he has two legs." Josh offered to fight of security guards for us. Good music, too. Great energy.

The Exies. An obvious rip off of the Pixies, name-wise at least. Not excellent, but not bad.

Trapt. This is where I started to slip. All I could think of doing was tilting my head back and watching the way the light played with the smoke that rose from both cigarette butt and lip. Josh and Summer went crazy. Sam and Crys seemed like they couldn't care less. I was stuck in the middle, just wishing I was at the Fireside so I could carry myself to the back benches and turn my mind onto "fetal position." There's no back benches at Water Street. There's nothing that resembles Chicago in Rochester.

Never in my life have I wanted to be home this badly.

7:05 PM 0 comments

Saturday, March 01, 2003

Last night was......different, to say the least. Mona's "Rochester Mom," a family friend she's had since she was little, came and picked us up for a real home-cooked dinner at her house. It was fabulous. No one really values home cooked rice, asparagus, and succulent salmon fillets until they've been eating Danforth food for six weeks.

After she dropped us off, I had to get ready to help Summer with her anthropology project: the culture of frat sluts. I was in the FRAT QUAD. Do you know how crazy that is? That is SO not my scene...but I was there with Summer and Naked Sam and Alison and we met up with Josh there so it was fun. None were open - pinning ceremonies were last night (go figure), and so we headed back after about a half hour for some good Hedwig-ing.

I fucking LOVE that movie.

I pick up something new every time I watch, and it really never gets less amazing.

So I watched with Sum, Alison, Tom, and Ted, and afterwards we ended up just chilling in Ted's room talking until we got yelled at for being too loud; went to Summer's room, got kicked out of there at 3:30 'cause she wanted to sleep, and ended up talking in the laundry room until 5 in the morning.

As tired as I am this morning, I don't regret a minute of it.

There's something really magical about sitting around with three people you really don't know too well and feeling free to talk about everything. I'm really starting to think I really do belong here. I know I've said that before, but I mean it this time.

2:23 PM 0 comments