Wednesday, April 28, 2004
I will follow arm to arm
This rocks
Those crazies....
2:00 PM
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Monday, April 26, 2004
"kathy" I said, "I'm lost," though I knew she was sleeping
It's been a long time...
Note to self: falling asleep while watching "Waking Life" is a really, really bad idea. The whole idea of the movie is this guy, who is nameless througout the movie, who keeps waking up into another dream. It's a dream within a dream within a dream, and so on. Through most of this he knows he is sleeping, so he walks around having conversations with nameless, unexplained people about their philosophies about whatever. In one such conversation, he talks with a friend of his about lucid dreams, how sometimes you can't tell if you're dreaming or if you're awake, and a test is to flip a light switch. If the light is on and you expect it to stay on, and you flip the switch, if it stays on you're dreaming, if it turns off you're awake. The movie was filmed and then animated over the actors, so the whole thing is kind of wavy anyway.
I decide to watch this movie at 11 pm when I'm already tired, and promptly fall asleep about 45 minutes into it, right after the aforementioned scene. I'm out for maybe 15 minutes when I wake up, turn off the movie, and start talking to Josh. Needless to say I think I really freaked him out (or so he tells me). Everything still looked as wavy as it did on screen, although my life is nowhere near animated. I can't imagine how I'd look as a group of layered blocks of color. I don't know if it would represent me well, or if I'd recognize myself, let alone anyone else. Anyway, things were wavy, and I remember saying to Josh over and over again that I didn't know if I was awake or dreaming. He told me that I must be awake because he was awake and he was talking to me, but in my dream state, he could be as awake as me and I'd just be dreaming up our interaction. Then I remembered the test with the light switch. My lights were off at the time (a smart idea, I know), so I got up to turn them on. The circuitry in my room is kind of fucked up, so it took a second, but they turned on. Alas, I was awake. Josh promptly made me go to sleep.
Another thing they were talking about in that movie, one of the conversations, was this guy talking to his girlfriend about relative time, and how your waking life could just be the dream you have in the time your brain still functions after you've died, and you're just looking back on your life and not actually living it. I don't know how to react to this, but I guess it doesn't make anything less real. I've since found the script online, here's that scene..:
Man: I keep thinking about something you said.
Woman: Something I said?
Man: Yeah. About how you often feel like you're observing your life from the perspective of an old woman about to die. Remember that?
Woman: Yeah. I still feel that way sometimes. Like I'm looking back on my life, and my waking life is her memories.
Man: Exactly. I heard that Tim Leary said as he was dying that he was looking forward to the moment when his body was dead but his brain was still alive. You know they say that there's still six to twelve minutes of brain activity after everything else is shutdown. And one second of dream consciousness, well, that's infinitely longer than a waking second, you know what I'm saying?
Woman: Oh yeah, definitely. For example I wake up and it is 10:12, and then I go back to sleep and have those long, intricate, beautiful dreams that seem to last for hours, and then I wake up and it's 10:13.
Man: Yeah, exactly. So in 6-12 minutes of brain activity, that could be your whole life. I mean, you are that woman looking back over everything.
Woman: Okay. So what if I am. Then what would you be in all that?
Man: Whatever I am right now. I mean, maybe I only exist in your mind, but I'm still just as real as anything else.
When I watched it all the way through last night, it didn't give me any fewer panick attacks, even the parts I'd already seen. I highly recommend it.
9:40 PM
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Wednesday, April 21, 2004
a little voice inside my head said "don't look back, you can never look back"
what happened to my "game" of people telling me what song my titles are from?
anyway I like this:
if everything happens that can't be done
(and anything's righter
than books
could plan)
the stupidest teacher will almost guess
(with a run
skip
around we go yes)
there's nothing as something as one
one hasn't a why or because or although
(and buds know better
than books
don't grow)
one's anything old being everything new
(with a what
which
around we go who)
one's everyanything so
so world is a leaf is a tree is a bough
(and birds sing sweeter
than books
tell how)
so here is away and so your is a my
(with a down
up
around again fly)
forever was never till now
--e. e. cummings
1:58 AM
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Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Ways to not do math #1:
Full name: Nora Seidman
Nicknames: Noby, Conch
Sex: Female
Age: 20
Birthday: 2/5/84
Birth place: Evanston, IL
Current residence: Rochester, New York
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
Parents names: Jon and Amy
Sibling's names and ages: Anna, 22
Pets: Anna, 22
Favorites:
Colors: deep Green
Animals: polar bears (this is a new one)
Cartoon Characters: Master Shake
Actresses: Claire Danes
Actors: Willam Dufoe
Movies: Bowling for Columbine, Princess and the Warrier, Donnie Darko
Types of music: Punk, electronica, things that sound good
Bands/Groups: LTJ, Mustard Plug are big
CDs: my mixes
Foods: nooooodles
Ice creams: mint chocolate chip
Cookies: homemade chocolate chip
Veggies: potatoes, carrots
Fruits: Mango, pineapple, red apples
Candies: I'm a chocolate girl
Beverages: Peach/Raspberry Iced Tea
Cereals: Lucky Charms, haha
Websites: this one
Music videos: A-ha - Take On Me where they're running through the newspaper. That & anything Michael Jackson
Gum: whatever's in my purse
Pizza toppings: pineapple & olives
Fast food joints: Wendys
Fast food meals: chicken things
Restaurant: in Rochester, King & I
Outfits: I don't think about things like this
Stores: I can't go into Best Buy without spending more than I should
Love Life
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: no, but it feels like it
If so, who are they?: guess
Do you love them?: yes
How long have you been dating?:
Do you have a crush?: if this counts, yes
Would you rather be single or taken right now?: taken
How many people have you dated this past year?: none
How many people have you kissed in your life?: plenty
How many people have you said "I love you too" and meant it?: a lot, but I love people in different contexts
If you didn't mean it, why did you say it?: I say it when I mean "I appreciate you", so I guess that's kind of like lying...
Have you ever had a hard time getting over someone?: damn yes
Are you friends with your ex/exes?: Yes, some
Have you ever cheated on someone?: a long time ago
Have you ever been cheated on?: yep
What's the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?: I don't think it's necessarily romantic, but josh told me once while he was drunk that if I was dead, he would kill himself because he'd have no one to live for. That was the best compliment I can remember receiving.
What do you look for in your ideal mate?: not necessarily someone who's just like me, but someone who's style compliments mine
Are you a virgin?: no
What do you think of abortion?: as long as it's safe
Suicide?: too sad
Flag burning?: sometimes, you just gotta burn something
War?: sucks
Pop music?: If it's good, it's good. If it's not, it's not
What Did You Do...
Last weekend?: Spent most of it with Josh
Yesturday?: classes, went to Michaels, the mall, Target, & wilson commons
Your last birthday?: saw Yellowcard with Josh, Doug, & Mona
New Years Eve?: Hannah's place calling people an hour ahead of me & asking them what it feels like to be in the new year while I was left behind
Valentines Day?: got Josh a serenade, goth clubbing
Easter?: nothing out of the ordinary
4th of July?: hung out with my mom
Halloween?: threw a costume party
Thanksgiving?: small thanksgiving dinner & big reception
Christmas Eve?: Vietnamese part of town with family
Christmas Day?: got really annoyed at listening to Elmo sing & do the hokey pokey in spanish
What do you think you'll be doing in...
A week from now?: having a panick attack
A month from now?: working
A year from now?: same thing I'm doing today, but lonlier
This or That
Chocolate or Vanilla?: Chocolate
Mom or Dad?: Mom
Blonde or Brunette?: red-head
Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon?: cartoon network
Spicy or Minty gum?: Minty
Heaven or Hell?: dreaming
Nsync or Backstreet Boys?: iiiiii want it thaaaaaat way
The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?: beatles, usually
Boys or Girls?: girls suck
France or England?: England
Cookies or Cake?: Cookies
Flower or Candy?: Candy
Doctors or Dentist?: Dentist
Ever Been Called...
Dumb?: Yes
Retarted?: Yes
Ugly?: Yes
Hot?: Yes
Fat?: yes
Anorexic?: yes, but I think they were kidding (were you?)
A waste of space?: No
Useless?: no
Sexy?: Yes
Smelly?: not seriously
A Slut?: Yes
Beautiful?: yes
Smart?: Yes
Quiet?: Yes
Boring?: Yes
A Bitch?: Yes
Rebel?: Yes
Conceited?: No
Currently
What are you wearing?: nothing but a smile (**note: I'm joking)
Who are you talking to?: No one
How is the weather?: chillier than it was earlier today
What are you listening to?: little bit of Reel Big Fish
What/Who are you thinking about?: how I'm about to go do some math homework, hopefully with Josh in the room
What are you eating/drinking?: nothing
What are you looking forward to?: being less stressed
What are you dreading?: fighting
How are you feeling?: not really feeling anything
How is your hair?: normal
What time is it?: 8:44 pm
What are you anoyed by?: intolerance
Emotions
What emotion do you feel the most?: numb
What emotion is the best?: love
Worst?: disdain
What songs make you cry?: the most: "In My Life" by the Beatles
What movies make you cry?: I was almost bawling at Big Fish
What always cheers you up?: I usually feel better with a sincere hug, knowing someone cares that I'm upset
What make you madder than anything?: people who aren't willing to meet halfway
What hurts you the most?: when I'm blamed for things that aren't my fault
Which person always makes you happy? Josh is who I go to for emotional support.
Depressed?: shit happens
Are you a really emotional person?: when I let myself
What do you do when you're depressed?: lay down and be numb
What song do you think was written about your life?: Less Than Jake - Is This Thing On?
When Was The Last Time You..
Farted?: a long time ago
Burped?: umm I think last night when I had a burping contest with Josh
Had sex?: summer before senior year
Went to the movies?: non-cg: Eternal Sunshine a week and a half ago, cg: House of Sand & Fog on saturday
Went out to eat?: I guess Saturday when Josh & I had lunch/dinner at the mall, before that it was somewhere with Mom
Cried?: last night
Got dumped?: Eleanor, I guess. After that it was kind of mutual.
Dumped someone?: umm....must have been sophomore year with Max.
Threw up?: I throw up constantly.
Peed?: few hours ago
Went skating?: last semester sometime
Went for a walk?: depressingly long time
Ate ice cream?: Last night
Got into a fight?: continuous
Issues
Do you do drugs?: not really
Do you have a mental disablity?: No
Are you on any medication for any type of disorder?: No
What kind?: --
Do you or have you ever had an eating disorder?: small appetite?
What kinds of illnesses run in your family?: cancer, high blood pressure, heart attack, my sister has Turners Syndrome but that's not genetic
Who was the last person you...
Talked to?: Dan
Yelled at?: Myself
Kissed?: Josh
Hugged?: Josh
Went out to eat with?: Josh if you count the mall
Talked to on the phone?: Mom
IMed?: ummm Jim I think
Fought with?: Josh
Worried about?: Josh
Wanted to kill?: no one
Cried over?: Josh
Thought about?: Josh
Are you...
Understanding?: I do my best
Pretty?: I've been told
Nice?: I try
A bitch?: Yes
Hard to get?: not really
Confident?: sometimes
Depressed?: a lot
Hyper?: sometimes
Popular?: according to Josh
Friendly?: yeah
Sexy?: I'm hawt, baby
Hungry?: I'm hardly ever hungry
Shy?: more scared than shy
Emotional?: yes
Messy?: nope
Immature?: I can be
Sad?: Yes
Trusting?: only with a few people
Healthy?: I guess
Sleepy?: always
Lonely?: sometimes
Independent?: not really
8:21 PM
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We will kiss
Last night, in a stroke of severe randomness, I put my pillow by the foot of my bed, angled pretty sharply so when I put my arm up by my face for sleep, it could lie across the pillow and still reach my forehead as to not let my ear touch anything. My comforter has slowly been falling off the edge of the bed over the past week, so now it doesn't even own shape. I laid on top of it, folded over enough that was hanging off the side to cover me. Fetal position, facing the wall, feet where my head usually is. Slept without dream. Dead. My alarm went off this morning at its usual Tuesday-time, and it took me a good minute to figure out how to get out from my caccoon. The noise of being taken out of slumber doesn't get less obnoxious.
1:45 PM
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Monday, April 19, 2004
You look like you, and that's beautiful
Man I'm getting bad about updating. I had a really long post all ready to go a couple days ago, but decided to delete it instead of post. Ehh, maybe next time..
Anyway, this question deal is getting ridiculous to confine in that comments thing, so here are the last two's answers:
Reed:
1) What is the person you *want* to be like? (detail detail!)
- I'm pretty happy with myself as is. If I weren't I think I'd be a hell of a lot more confused about everything, but it's all pretty...clear. I don't regret who I am nor the decisions I've made. I wish I weren't so scared of everything all the time, but I'm getting better at that.
2) How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
- none. A silly question deserves a short answer.
3) What two things can I do for you to make you feel better?
- I'm fine, but thanks for offering. All you have to do to make me feel good is to keep yourself smilin', and try to come back to the mainland sometime. ;-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joshie-
1) Where would you go for your honeymoon? aka where do you want to go?
- it wouldn't matter as long as it's somewhere with the person I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. Ideally I'd love to go into the mountains somewhere out west, or overseas, and hike for a few days.
2) Minus the three bands I know are your favorites, what is your perfect concert (4 bands only)
- Hmmm this is hard.... well we'll start off assuming you're with me, Concert Buddy. Sugarcult will be headlining. Right before them would be Moloko, something completely different but would still get people in the mood for music. Opening is Deals Gone Bad, not because their music is especially good (I only heard them when they opened for Mustard Plug on their last tour), but because they're rude boy ska and that's fun to dance to. So this is 3 bands that are totally different kinds of music, all of which get you riled up and ready.
3) How well do you think you really know me?
- I think I know you better than you think I do. I know I'll say or do things that still make you angry, but I'll recognize it in the process, by which point it'll be too late; but that's a problem with me not knowing how to react to you, not a problem with not knowing you. With most of our arguments I'll still know how you'll respond to my points before I say it, so it's like I'll have the whole thing mapped out in my head before it happens... I'm still learning, though. There are those times when you surprise yourself, and that makes it all the more difficult for me to know what's going on.
4) bonus: Why can't I spell for the life of me?
- 'cause you're speeeecial. And you have a computer, which spells for you. Thanks for fixing the "r" in "surprise" that night. ;-)
Question for you: why'd you post the questions here instead of asking me on the other blog?
3:14 PM
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Thursday, April 15, 2004
Sometimes
Try Not To Breathe
I will try not to breathe.
I can hold my head still with my hands at my knees.
These eyes are the eyes of the old, shiver and fold.
I will try not to breathe.
This decision is mine. I have lived a full life
And these are the eyes that I want you to remember. Oh.
I need something to fly over my grave again.
I need something to breathe.
I will try not to burden you.
I can hold these inside. I will hold my breath
Until all these shivers subside,
Just look in my eyes.
I will try not to worry you.
I have seen things that you will never see.
Leave it to memory me. I shudder to breathe.
I want you to remember. Oh. (you will never see)
I need something to fly (something to fly)
Over my grave again. (you will never see)
I need something to breathe. (something to breathe)
Baby, don?t shiver now.
Why do you shiver now? (I will see things you will never see)
I need something to fly (something to fly)
Over my grave again. (I will see things you will never see)
I need something to breathe. Oh. Oh. Oh.
I will try not to worry you.
I have seen things that you will never see.
Leave it to memory me. Don?t dare me to breathe.
I want you to remember. Oh. (you will never see)
I need something to fly (something to fly)
Over my grave again. (you will never see)
I need something to breathe. (something to breathe)
Baby, don?t shiver now.
Why do you shiver now? (I will see things you will never see)
I need something to breathe. (something to breathe - I have seen things ou will never see)
I want you to remember.
I was so upset at waking up this morning...things always seem so peaceful when I'm asleep and don't have to think about things. They stay peaceful for that half a minute when I first open my eyes and try to figure out who I am and what I'm doing here. Then I remember. I'm me. I remember what happened last night, all the things you told me. And I was angry that it wasn't three weeks later. That I still have to live this existance. I'm so tired of it...
As a quick recap of everything that's happened since I last posted: my mom & sister were here, it caused some problems, to say the least. My sister spent most of the time in tears and I don't know how to take care of her. I don't think I ever will.
Nika, Mona's 10 year old sister, is here. It's cool 'cause she *actually* makes me feel good about myself sometimes, and I spent most of yesterday feeling shitty 'cause I really let her down. She came to hang out with me & Josh, and I really wanted to talk to Josh.. alone.. so we kept trying to run away. I kind of forgot that even though she's young, she still has feelings, and not everything I say goes over her head. So I ended up really hurting her feelings. And I felt really bad. But also as a part of being so young...she's over it today & things with her are okay.
Things with Josh in the past week are....things with Josh. There was one moment, Monday night.... I don't remember where we were, or what the premise was, but there was certain way the sun was hitting his eyes, and he looked so...peaceful. And I was so happy to be there to witness it.
8:23 PM
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Wednesday, April 14, 2004
You Sweet Thing
Stolen from Josh, who stole it from another friend of his:
I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything.
6:57 PM
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Friday, April 09, 2004
Some are dead and some are living
Please don't be silent tonight. I can't do this alone, I needed tonight to make sure they were okay on his birthday; his three girls. The reason they're here. She left here in tears, did you expect me to ignore that? I don't understand.
That said, happy birthday, Daddy. (Not too late, if I haven't gone to sleep yet then it's still not a new day) I love you and I miss you more than ever.
12:16 AM
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Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Nothing left to do but smile smile smile smile
You say that I don't know you but I've tried and tried and tried and I don't know what you're thinking when you look into my eyes.
9:48 PM
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But you still came back for me
I am soo angry tonight it is almost beyond words. If he wanted a fight he could have come to me and said shit to my face; forget going through my friend to relay a message for you. What the fuck does that even mean? You're in no fucking position to dispose of me, and the one who is hasn't expressed anything against my work, neither has anyone besides you. So if what you think I do is so shitty in the first place then maybe someone else would have noticed, eh?
Saying it out loud (aka typing, something that's keeping it out of my mind) makes it sound so petty. I know I shouldn't listen, but I always listen. It's who I am. I wish I knew how to block people out. I wish I had the ability to remind myself that not everyone is going to like me, that even though everyone's entitled to their opinion, theirs is going to mean less than the ones who know me best.
As for everything else....same old, same old, I guess. I feel like he's my best friend more than ever now, after our talk this afternoon/evening. I know what it looks like to everyone else, but it doesn't matter. I know my heart, and I'm working on knowing his. From what he tells me, from what everyone else tells me, I know what this is. This is what happened two years ago with Erik and Mary, except I'm not on my end anymore. I know what they felt. I know what we put him through, and I truly am sorry. I know that when you really want to spend time with that one person, you'll tell yourself that your other friends have each other so they don't need you. And I know, as that other friend, that it sucks not being the one who holds your attention. And it sucks that now I'm doing it to my girls, all of them. I love you, Erik, and I'm really happy for you that you and Mary are still in love after these years and that your feelings for each other are only getting stronger. I love you, my suitemates, for sticking with me and still wanting me to live with you next year. I know your position and I don't want to do this to you. And I love you, Josh, for still being here with me. For being who you are; for telling me that things are going to be okay and meaning it. Making me believe it. Being my best friend.
Having that said, I just want to go to sleep. I want to sleep for a few days, let my heart forget everything. Slip into a coma so when I wake up, everyone that loves me is waiting for me, loving me for still being alive. I've just forgotten how to feel like I belong somewhere, with someone. Like everyone that I love and am willing to give everything to isn't going to give up on me. That when we grow, we're going to grow together. To mean it when we say forever. I'll mean 'forever' when I say 'forever', but I can't hear it. And it sucks.
Everything sucks.
12:34 AM
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Sunday, April 04, 2004
And my life can't be the same
When I see you
and I know you don't see me
I try to imagine how it must be now
to walk this world alone
to walk this world alone
to carry on and do it on your own
With everybody working and everybody trying
with your hands in the air while their lying
everybody's doing their best and realizing
As we watch we see you falling further
the world's in custody for your murder
is there any hope for you
is there anything we can do
I look to see
Is the world's catching up to me
Would someone give me something to help me to believe
That you won't be left alone
That you won't be left alone
To carry on and do it on your own
You're making moves
You're making plans
Progress is in you hands
It's not your fault that nobody understands
the pains you feel
They are for real
they slow you down
and re-appear
just as soon as you
walk away from here
-Mustard Plug, Away From Here
They're coming to town after 2 months of thinking they took Rochester off their tour list. :-)
6:48 PM
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A little voice inside my head said 'don't look back..you can never look back'
This is my apology to everyone for tonight...maybe you'd have had fun if we didn't have to come back for me, maybe it would have been better if we had gone earlier. Maybe everything is a big lump of 'what ifs', and the truth is you'll never know. What if you quit drinking? Maybe that would mean you don't spend every weekend feeling like shit by the end of the night, then kidding yourself the next weekend into thinking 'maybe it wasn't as bad as I remember.' What if I quit? Nothing would change. My gag reflex and psychosematics are too strong for anything. I can't get drunk anymore, and I've lost most desire to. I think I'd just like to be able to forget sometimes. Again, I'm sorry for tonight. Don't think you were the only one not really having fun; although it doesn't help to know you're not alone.
I just...hate this. I hate letting you down. I hate going to bed meloncholy because I know that when we wake up, you'll still be angry. And I'll still be sick to my stomach thinking about it. I know how this looks to you and I promise it's not the way I meant it. I'm just still trying to figure out a way to make better, and I know somehow it can happen. I need you to have faith in us [i.e. you and me, together, as a pair], even if you don't always feel it, because I know that sometimes, you do. I'm sorry.
4:20 AM
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