Saturday, February 28, 2004
They said love was touching souls
My room is really cold now because Josh made me turn off the heat when he was over earlier today. Earlier today it was really really warm; an early spring for Rochester. Now, the sun long long gone, it's cold again and my window has been open this whole time.
12:50 AM
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Wednesday, February 25, 2004
She's used up all her lonely teardrops
It hurts too much to type; it hurts too much to cry. I just hope you're happier.
10:20 PM
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Not until the silence had appreared to be so cheap
These past couple days have been SO PETTY and SO ANGSTY. There's so much I want to tell you, yell at you, rather, but it doesn't really matter 'cause you don't listen to me anyway. It's just getting progressively harder to pretend like I don't care; like this doesn't matter.
I guess it's my turn to tell my side of the story: I already knew you were trying to distance yourself from me, and I know they way you usually do that is not talk to me for a few days. It had been a couple days since you last let me talk to you. So when you weren't outside your classroom and the room was empty (yes I went to check for you), I headed on my way, planning to catch you there and show that you can't shake me that easily. When neither you nor your roomate was there, either, I was SO convinced that you convinced him to go to somewhere else in order to avoid me for the day. So I sat alone. He happened to be walking by and when I waved hello and he saw that I was alone, he came to join me. Then you called and explained yourself and said you were on your way. All we talked about was how I was so convinced you ditched me and how silly I felt that I was wrong.
Then you showed up and got angry. I thought you were going to be right back, but when 45 minutes passed and you still hadn't emerged I got actually worried. We talked then about how you weren't there and hypothesized about what happened to you. Yes, we talked about YOU. Even when you decide to leave me, you're still all that's on my mind.
And that's not fair. Now you're not talking to me again, and I can only go through waves of trying to not care alternating with getting really angry. I went to go check and see what was taking you so long at that 45 minute mark, and when you weren't there I checked the premesis, where you also weren't. I ran into a couple kids from class, and explained that I was looking for my best friend. That's right, I still fucking introduce you as my best friend. Who leaves me. And makes me feel underappreciated.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
But there are times that I feel like you appreciate me and love me. And I miss it. I left that apology with you not because of what happened, but because I know you need more than this. I wanted to be someone who could give it to you, and the wrong way to go about these things is to get angry. So I was apologizing for getting angry instead of talking to you. But you're not talking back, and that's painful.
So when I see you
Please understand the way I think
Your smile it heals me
I never want to go away
Believe I love you
No matter how selfish I get
I know you'll help me
The way I feel I won't forget
4:56 PM
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Monday, February 23, 2004
I don't want to be lonely, I just want to be alone
I should count how many times that line shows up here. Thanks Hannah, I guess, for letting me steal it so often.
Things have just been...lonely lately. I thought I was getting used to this ebb and flow of things and making myself okay with it, but I guess I was wrong. I wish I didn't feel so distant all the time. And usually when I'd get lonely I'd talk to Evanston people to remind myself that there are people who still love me, but it didn't really help to read in Mike's journal that he's going to visit Hannah and Camille over his spring break; that Cam is going to DC for her protest and will be seeing Erik while she's there, that Hannah and Cam are close enough that they see each other all the time, that Erik and Mary are even closer, and to think that I'm not going to see any of these people for months yet. I really want Erik to come to Rochester over his spring break; take a mini road trip to western New York to see my friends and see who I am here. He suggested we meet somewhere that's kind of halfway, like NYC, but I have no way of getting anywhere.
So while talking to Erik tonight, kind of about this, he busts out with:
Nora: so why is everyone going to visit everyone else besides me?
Erik: I'm not going anywhere
Erik: Except for you sometime
Nora: but cammy's coming to see you
Erik: She's coming to get arrested, not to see me
Erik: :-)
Nora: hahahaha
Nora: but she'll see you in the process
Nora: and you'll pay her bail
Erik: hahahaha...
Nora: haha I'm so not lying
Erik: I'm so not laughing...
which made me smile. On a side-note, I took a nap this afternoon and had a very vivid dream in which you took me riding around on your motorcycle (I remember the dream-sensation of the wind on my face as I pressed myself onto your back to keep from falling off), only to stop and kiss me without any holding back. Nothing came of that; it happened once. But once is enough.
So. In conclusion: come to Rochester, and I should either stop napping or nap a whole lot more if I'm going to keep dreaming like that...
11:50 PM
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Show 'em what to do
I've been really angsty tonight and I'm not sure why. I want to say that this is just something I'm going through for some nonspecific reason, but I don't really know if I'd be lying or not.
So quick update: I went skiing for the first time ever yesterday. The kids I went with said I was doing really well for that being my first time, but honestly I just spent the whole day going too fast for my own good and yelling at people. Which was awesome. Mary and Dan saw me do the coolest fall of my life where I thought going head-on into a steep snowbank was going to slow me down (which it, you know, didn't), and Josh kept the rear the whole time to make sure no one died without anyone else noticing. On the busride home he sat with me, and we kind of didn't talk very much, just listened to the disco playing on the radio and fell in and out of consciousness with my head on his shoulder and his head on mine. It was amazing. When we got back Mary wanted to watch a movie so we pulled out Requiem, which she had never seen before, so she was pretty comatose by the time she left the suite. I told her it would give her a panic attack... she should listen to me more often. ;-)
So then I woke up this morning and had a hard time moving. Wooo!! Umm, yes. It kind of got better throughout the day, but I'm always full of knots and I don't think it'll ever go away. After URCG I ran to the pit to get some food and ran into the one who still isn't speaking to me, who asked I not mention his name. Which started this whole mess. I kind of cornered him and talked directly to him and he responded, so I hope that means things will get better. I know I made a lot of mistakes, but honestly...when you yell at me for something and I apologize and you say it's okay, the next step isn't to stop talking to me completely and roll your eyes whenever I wave hello. That's just ridiculous. If he wants to be friends he knows where he can find me.
I think a big part of this feeling tonight is my same-old worry. I'm worried about him because I'm always worried about him; whether or not he wants me to. It's one of those things where, if I could, I'd teach myself how to admit that it's going to be a constant, but I can't. I think things would be okay if he could realize that when he tells everyone what's wrong, all those people get this complex where they think of how self-satisfying it would be if they were the one to not let you go. So no one will ever be the first to let him leave. So he's stuck. And no matter how much he pushes them away, no one will ever go anywhere. It hurts me sometimes to see people not see in him what I see in him; how much he just wants to protect everyone he cares about from things, including [especially] himself. How beautiful he is.
But on top of that, I'm worried about you. I asked you today, after reading some of the scariest things I've ever seen you write, if you were okay and you said things were getting better. And then got two more posts today that would suggest otherwise. I wish I was there to take care of you; I wish even if I was there that there was something I could do. But I'm accross the country and there's nothing I can do to make silly people realize what a beautiful person you are, inside and out. It makes me sad to know that I can't do anything to influence anyone anymore.
I just can't turn and walk away
It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
Words can't say
And I can't do
Enough to prove it's all for you
1:06 AM
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Saturday, February 21, 2004
Darling, come here....
I should learn how to trust clocks. Whenever I wake up to anything that isn't an alarm, I don't trust what time it is for about thirty seconds; and I only trust the time when I wake up to an alarm because I double-check the set time before I go to bed even though I never change it and it's always right. 8:54 on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and 9:56 on Tuesday, Thursday.
So I had my thermo exam today during class, which is at 11. Summer knew this and wanted to come into my room to wish me luck. So my door opens this morning at 8:30, a good 20 minutes before my alarm will go off. I don't remember if the door woke me up or if I was kind of up already, but I look over at her when she opens the door. Through my half-asleep daze, I make out the confusion on her face. "Did you miss your exam?!?"
I know that my exam is during class, but I look over at my clock, see that it's 8:30, and don't trust it. So in my mind, I think "maybe I did miss my exam.." and then came-to and answered "wait...no, it's at 11." She told me later that before I answered, she could see in my eyes that she was right and I missed my exam and started freaking out for me, since I was so incapacitated.
....
Do they offer a course here in Reading a Digital Clock? They should. I need it.
2:08 AM
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Thursday, February 19, 2004
Bastardization of Real Science
Okay okay that's sooo not a song title. Sue me. But since enetation sucks (muahaha I never get tired of saying that), I just want to let Erik know that meches are 10000000x better than BMEs. I give us until our next break together to break out into a meche vs BME fistfight, with each of us representing our respective majors. Not to say that you're the only BME I can stand (which is, you know, true), it's just that, as a science, I don't think thermo is that bad. My professor, Thomas, is kind of weird and took a full hour to "review" everything we need to know for tomorrow's exam (shoot me now), but even he's made a quote in the record Nancy and I are keeping of all the weird shit our professors have said (his being "So, if you want the quick and dirty way of doing things..." while referring to using tables).
In other recent activity I had my first linear algebra exam this morning. I fell asleep reading from the textbook last night and when I got too tired I literally didn't even close the book, just turned it over and slipped it under my pillow; corners sticking out with my elbow curled up around it. It worked, though, and I'm 100% sure that I didn't fail. I came home around 9:15 and fell asleep for an hour and a half, and in this time had a dream that I woke up and wasn't wearing socks. Since my mother was in my room at the time she picked me out a pair of socks (ones that I actually own, yes) and told me she'd go shopping to buy me more since most of the ones I have are full of holes. End of dream. I woke up and looked straight for my sock drawer to get the pair that Mom picked out for me in my subconscious, and realized that I was, in fact, wearing socks. Confused and angry that this is the extent of my subconscious creativity, I went to class.
I wish I could say that things are going on besides school work, but they really aren't. I can feel some things that still aren't right, per se, but I haven't had time to address them because of work. Now they seem to be better so I don't know what to think anymore. I always figured I'd keep this journal as a way to keep track of myself because I'm so scared that a few years down the road I'm not going to remember who I was (am?). I don't want to forget how I think or how I felt about things. I just take it for granted that other people are going to read this. It's not written for anyone but me for that purpose, so I guess other people who stumble upon this site and get a glimpse into my mind and my heart get that benefit of feeling like they know me ever-so-slightly-so-much-better. But I know even that has backfired. I know there are plenty of reactions in here that have made people angry. I know I've messed things up with this. I just can't write by hand anymore; I'm sure I'll lose the paper journal like I always have. Even those aren't save; I found my sister's from high school laying around saying how she wishes that pen-and-paper relationship could be her friend since she has none. I wish I knew my sister better before it became too late. I wish everything wasn't lost.
6:05 PM
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Wednesday, February 18, 2004
If my heart's gonna get broken anyway....
..i'd rather have it get broken by you
Hannah's away message:
make up a new scale based on different ratios
write things in specific gestures and sounds and textures
look at everyone and make up their lives
I just thought that was beautiful 'cause I've spent so much of my life sitting in a corner watching people walk by me and I'd make up their entire life. It makes people real. More than the one-dimension we always see. I miss it. ehh i'll get good practice this weekend when i go skiing...there'll be plenty of people I've never met before with lives that are at the whim of my imagination.
12:41 PM
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Sunday, February 15, 2004
I thought you knew how to be scared
I'm just gonna start naming all of my journal entries after a line playing in the song that I'm listening to. If you want to play a game, you should leave me comments guessing what song it is.... GO! Hahaha I'd be so happy if someone actually tried. Wooo.
So yeah, Valentines Day. Wooo. Somehow, this year more than others, it really did just feel like a normal day. Which I like. I woke up earlier than usual, went to Wal-Mart, made bouquets of hershey-kiss flowers for the people on this campus that I *actually* care about (although I ran out of time, so not everyone got theirs. The rest of my suitemates' will arrive tomorrow when I get my lazy ass out of bed), hung out with everyone.
The co-ed acapella group on campus, After Hours, offered a service where they went around and delivered a carnation and a song to the person of your choosing. I got Mona (played by Pilar) and Josh one. They came to our suite while I was playing Mario Kart with Summer and Josh, and Pilar came while she pretended to be Mona (since I didn't find out until after I bought it that Mona told Summer that she'd be incredibly pissed if someone got her one of those). They sung "Build Me Up Buttercup" to Pilar, and then as they were leaving I went up to the one with their schedule and said "are you headed up to 560 for Josh? 'Cause this is him right here." I told Josh that I got this for him, but apparently he didn't believe me. They sang Vertical Horizon's "Best I Ever Had", which i picked 'cause I thought he had sent me the song. Which I was wrong, but he liked it. I'd been worried for the past couple days 'cause I couldn't tell if he'd get mad at me or not for doing this to/for him, but he seemed to like it. At one point during the song he turned to me, mouthed "you're dead," and dragged two fingers accross his neck to prove his point. A couple of the girls in the group noticed this and laughed. I just liked seeing him smile.
Then tonight we went to a goth club. I'm not gonna lie, I left an away message about it just to get a rise out of Mike, but he didn't do anything. Fucker. So anyway, it was awesome. I'll have pictures eventually of us getting ready (that roll is going to be a fun contrast...half of it is the masquerade ball, then a picture of Josh tied to my bed with mardi gras beads [I wonder what kind of response that'll get...], and us dressed goth), which was kind of an adventure in itself. But the club was soo cool. It was probably the first time I've been to a club sober and didn't have [too many] inhibitions about dancing. And mind you, goth girls are really hot. One of 'em came up and started hitting on Mary, which I think is totally unfair 'cause I'm cool AND not straight. But eh, what're you gonna do... They played a whole lotta techno remixes of good 80s songs, and watching everyone dance was nearly intoxicating. I get the good kind of breathless (i.e. not suffocating) watching everyone be so engrossed by the music and not caring about anything else. Not caring how they look; about other people who may or may not be watching them and juding their dancing skill. I, even, danced while there were so few people on the floor that I knew everyone was looking. That never happens. I'm slowly stepping out of my comfort shell, and I'm proud.
So now were at a club, you watch the woman dancing, she is drunk,
She is smiling and shes falling in a slow, descending funk,
And the whole bar is loud and proud and everybodys trying, yeah.
You play the artist, saying, "Is it how she moves, or how she looks?"
I say, its loneliness suspended to our own like grappling hooks,
And as long as shes got noise, shes fine.
But I could teach her how I learned to dance when the musics ended
2:16 AM
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Thursday, February 12, 2004
Bastardization of Real Science
That's right, I'm supposed to be doing my thermo homework right now, but I can't concentrate. My lower back is killing me, and this time it isn't anything that can't be fixed by a good massage, but I don't have someone for that here. I know Ralph is good at these things but he told me that he'd charge. Bullshit. Ehh whatever I'll deal with it, and I'm sure it'll numb itself down to the dull pain that'll always in the background, as things seem to go now.
I'm guessing you can tell I'm not just talking about my back anymore. It's like I've reduced myself to looking at the world through a black veil, where nothing seems as bright, but nothing really seems as dark either. I guess it's a grey veil. No that doesn't work either. Well either way you know what I mean. I try to keep myself from getting angry at the little things because it wouldn't help anything, and I'll lock it away somewhere inside until I can forget about it. But it never really goes away. One day, all these little things are going to get together and revolt against me. It'll be armageddon, but it'll be so internal that no one will ever know about it besides me. And I know how to hide behind a smile.
I think what'd really help me is if you'd come by to hug me. You don't have to say a fucking word, just come over and give me a hug for a little while. And let that make things okay. It just makes me sad, I guess, that as much as I want this right now, you can't because you're too busy being out with my other friends. Our other friends. Without any of you thinking to ask me. But whatever, it's not important. I'll live, just like I always will.
7:52 PM
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Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Hannah's Nightmare
I think her fear of throwing up and my fear of taking pills go hand in hand quite nicely. I've been feeling the pressure build up behind my ribcage all day, and by this point, I know quite well the only way to get it to go away is taking Midol and laying down. So I go into the bathroom, pour a couple pills into my hand, and pour myself a glass of water from the common room.
Mind you, until I was about 14 I had to take chewables. I've been terrified of swallowing things my whole life, and even now I have to concentrate to make myself not hold the pill to the roof of my mouth with my tongue in order to just swallow the water. Tonight, the first one goes down fine, but the second, as it always happens, gets caught in my throat. I cough; it comes back; I swallow normally. And feel sick. And run to the bathroom. And throw up the beautiful and huge free dinner provided for me by the Mel. And dry heave for a good while after that, because the pill isn't finished establishing its power over me. Finally, after there's nothing left but tears on my cheeks, I feel okay enough to leave the bathroom and go about my business. I grab a box of crackers and the same glass of water, and I'm ready for round 2.
This time, I win. Both go down easily. Fucking pills, I'll show you who's boss.
9:07 PM
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Yep
It's been long enough since I've been here that the blog website made me sign in again for timely reasons. That means it must have been too long.
So it looks like this blog has been getting me into a lot of trouble lately, so this is my Open Apology post.
First off, I'm sorry that this is the way things turned out with him. I meant it when I said he's a good kid and I really didn't want to do anything that hurt him, and this includes write things that he wouldn't have wanted me to. I just kinda wish I could stop messing up with him. I think I'll just be better at putting a little distance in this friendship, and by the time I really start missing his company, things will have blown over enough that I'll stop hurting him.
In general, though, I guess things are going fine. Winterfest weekend was surprisingly fun; I met "Mitchie" Hedburg and got an autographed poster, I looked hot at the Masquerade Ball if I do say so myself and I should have pictures back sooner or later. There was one chick there who was totally decked out and didn't talk to any of us for a really long time and it was kind of scary. Finally she came up and introduced herself to me, and I told her how amazingly in-costume she looked. Nice girl; I hope she comes up and talks to me when she doesn't have a mask on so I can know who she actually is.
And last night I had my 'birthday' dinner at The King and I with my favorite people here minus two of my suitemates who couldn't make it. Hooray for Pat getting an SA van to take me to dinner.
I don't really know what else is going on...I mean sure there's always something I could tell you about, but it doesn't seem so important to write about right now. All you all really need to know is that things are good. Hooray.
1:08 AM
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Friday, February 06, 2004
Too much
Let's see how much more I can fuck things over for myself, eh? Like a game. This might be fun. Note: I'm being sarcastic.
So yesterday I turned 20, no longer a teenager. It was just another day; I went to class & went to a concert. We had a good time, and I really dislike the way people expect things to be special. Like the fact that we made it another year is something really important. Every day is important. Milestones are arbitrary. I mean I do appreciate the effort people give to wish you well (read: thank you Erik for being the only one to call), but I guess it really doesn't do much anymore. Time doesn't stop. Life doesn't stop. Nothing is automatically okay because I've made it another year.
And for the record, you were wrong. I mean yes, I was scared that I was going to lose you, but it wasn't because I was so insistant that this distance happened. It just that, on my end at least, things with you seemed to be going really well. And I was really comfortable with you. I knew I didn't have to hide. But that state seems to never last with you, so I was waiting for the moment when I made you angry and distrustful of me and I ruined everything without noticing it. And now that I've succeeded, yet again, I miss you. I know some things are still the same even if you don't want me as a close friend anymore; I still know that if I'm not happy and don't want to smile, I don't have to around you and you won't think I'm weird (in a bad way). If something happens and I need someone to listen to me for a little while I know you're always there. And if I'm not in a bad state and just want to share that with someone, I'd rather go to you than anyone else.
I guess that it's just that I've figured out why our good times can't last. If I'm happy and want to share it with you, you end up resenting me for being happy when you're not. For lack of a better example: last night when I called Erik during One Year Six Months, he'd take me being out with other friends and leaving that message as knowing that I'm thinking of him. If the roles were reversed and I was at a concert with other people and called you, you'd take it as me rubbing in your face that I'm with other people. You don't see that I want it to mean that I'm thinking of you. And I know it's not your fault that this is the way you think and react; I just wish we didn't have to think so differently sometimes. Because I love your ideas and I love hearing you talk to me; it's just hard when I have to be so careful not to fuck up and then end up doing it anyway.
I don't know what to do anymore; I don't think it'd help you to fight to keep you around. I just want to let you know that I'm not giving up on you; I'll always be here. And however wrong you think I am for believing so, I think you're amazing.
12:54 PM
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Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Oh the Asians...
I haven't talked to Mike in about a month and this is what we come up with?
Nora: OH MAN
Nora: so over the weekend I went to an "asian party"
Nora: which is how it was advertised
Nora: anyway
Nora: so there were SO MANY hot asian girls dancing up on each other
Nora: I almost had a heart attack
Nora: I almost had several heart attacks
Mikey: I HAET YOU
Mikey: YOU MUST DIE HORRIBLE DEATHS
Mikey: IN QUICK SUCCESSION
Mikey: FOR 800 YEARS
Nora: it almost happened
Nora: haha
Nora: jealous?
Mikey: IN A LAKE OF RAT VOMIT
Nora: is that a yes?
Mikey: DIE
Nora: :-)
Haha I win, Mike.
12:27 AM
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Monday, February 02, 2004
It hurts to be alone
np: It Hurts To Be Alone by Bob Marley
"After he breaks your heart
Then you'll be sad
And your tears will start
And you'll know how it hurts to be alone"
Maybe I wouldn't be so down if I wasn't working on Mix #2 entitled "Please Pass the Kool-Aid" subtitled "Songs that'll Make You Want to Die." Then again, I probably would so I'll keep working on it. I think things are starting to calm down around here, but that doesn't make anything any easier. I don't think they're mad at me anymore, but you can never really tell. I've been good about not secluding myself with either just myself or him, which helps.
At the end of the weekend all I think I've figured out about this is that something's gotta happen. I thought things would be lovely if they stayed how they are, because with all the time I spent with you, I never wanted to be anywhere else. Even though it was just laying around not doing anything special; watching you play games on your computer or watching a movie; that's where I wanted to be. Seeing you for who you are. Watching you not have to hide. Not having you ask me to be anyone but myself. Being comfortable. Smiling. Loving you. I've never gotten so scared that I was going to lose you, and you told me I wouldn't. I want with all my heart to believe that, but I think we've gotten to a point where that can't be comfortable anymore. I think we're going to break something if something doesn't happen. We should go about this the right way. I'm falling again, and I'm really trying hard not to. That's just kind of difficult when you tell me to get over you and then make me feel like an asshole for trying.
This shouldn't be something yelling at you, though. I just read what you wrote and got upset because I think if you were with her, she wouldn't make you happy, and that's not for any reason like "she isn't me." I think you deserve something better.
Anyway, back to something different. There is nothing else. It's been a really long time since I've read Perks, so I've decided I'm taking this week, the busiest week since I've been back, to re-read it and see if it makes me remember why things are beautfiul. Usually it changes the way I think about things for a few days, and I think I need that kind of a pick-me-up right now.
This week is going to be killer.....but my friends rock for getting an SA (Student Activities) van to take me out to dinner Sunday. If you're reading this, yo'ure invited. Let me know if you can make it.
4:04 PM
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