Wednesday, June 30, 2004
sometimes the clothes do not make the man
Meep!
Reasons why people are stupid.
I was listening to this mix I must have made about 5 years ago called "Crazy Dance Stuff" which does, in fact, include a Milli Vanilli song. I rock. It also includes Cat Stevens' "Cats In the Cradle", which is damn far from a dance song. There was some crazy man who followed me home for about a block mumbling crazy-talk at me. He was either hitting on me or trying to convince me he's Jesus, I'm not too sure 'cause when I noticed he was following me I turned up my headphones (Baby Got Back, who could resist?) and walked faster. I was only a block away from downtown so if I could get that far, I wouldn't be mugged. Yay for city living...?
I want skittles.
10:23 PM
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if I could be who you wanted all the time
It is my most recent conclusion that if I could find those chalky candy hearts that people somehow still purchase on Valentines Day, even though they taste awful and no one really appreciates receiving them, with the words "Luv 2 Stalk U" printed on them, I wouldn't be so sad with my life.
4:06 PM
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so complicated
On my computer at home, I have one away message that is in italics, so I can only assume it's a song quote. I cannot, however, place the song, and if I do a google search with those lyrics, I get one song in return and it is definitely nothing I've ever heard before. This is going to drive me insane.
It's 1:20 here. My week is officially in its second half. I feel like such a math dork dividing time like this, but eh, that's who I am, right? I mean, I got excited when I was browsing deviantART and someone posted Sierpinski's triangle (which is the pattern you get when you take a triangle, make a triangle from connecting the midpoints of its sides, and take out that middle triangle. So now you're left with what looks like three triangles stacked on top of each other, and you do the same thing to each of these three triangles, forever to infinity. It's one of the shapes whose dimension isn't a whole number, and the existance of fractional dimensions makes me happy.) Haha that was a really long explaination. It's easier to show. Maybe I'll get started on my book about the theory of Infinity. Are you sad that I own such a book, and that I got it while browsing the 'Mathematics' section at Barnes & Nobles and bought it under my own volition?
That paragraph was much much longer than I originally intended. I guess things are just that boring here... My testing that I thought I was going to start today won't actually start until Monday, and Carrie, my boss, comes back tomorrow so she won't be standing much for my idle-ness and I'll have to do something besides sit online all day. Shame. At least there's a payday tomorrow, so I can start spending money again. I mailed the checks for my tripod and memory card today. Yummy yummy pictures. I took a picture this morning of the dead/squashed bird on the 'L' tracks, but it's kind of the same color as the stones so I'll have to play with it a bit. I mentioned to Mom yesterday that we don't have a copy of photoshop and her response was "You should get it." I wonder if this means I can go back to being her spoiled daughter & she'll get it for me? We'll see, I guess.
The song playing in the next room is that stupid "I'm coming out" song that's in some jeans commercial with the singing bellybuttons. That ad gave me nightmares. I don't like the song.
1:23 PM
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Tuesday, June 29, 2004
again the last thing I wanted was to hurt you
Specifically for the people doing the cd exchange: if you didn't get my e-mail, let me know, 'cause I don't know how often you people check your school accounts over the summer, and that's mostly what I sent it to 'cause I don't know anything else.
Carry on
2:11 PM
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Monday, June 28, 2004
love is not a victory march
4th post of the day, can you tell I haven't had much work to do today? Both the other people who are in this main room with me are out for the next few days, and they're the ones who give me things to do... I wasn't expecting to finish this project Friday afternoon, receiving the e-mail this morning from my programmer saying that we're finished. I don't start my next project until Wednesday, I think, so it's a whole lot of nothin' until then. I finished my story and read a whole lot today, so I guess that makes up for... time. Also in the thinking stages of a new mix. Woo!
Finished story:
Summer doesn’t stop anything. Temperatures may rise, but all that really does in the end is add a certain disdained mugginess to the air. Still things don’t get discussed, get done, although time doesn’t take her stress level and memory into account as it just keeps moving. She’ll blink and wistfully wish for it to slow down, wait for her, but such is useless at times like this. Time has plugged its ears and knows that if it gets tired of moving moving moving, the stars will fall away and this inescapable sky and earth will tear and contort into one and the same, bringing everything along with it. Longing and rage, along with wide eyes and soft skin, will fold together until none of it is distinguishable, not like there will be anything to distinguish it besides Time standing still and watching.
She knows this, and contends that all she has left to do is catch herself up with whatever she can. If she starts going along with these motions, she will be hiding away everything locked inside herself, pushing against her skin from the inside and doing its best to escape. She understands the consequence of its success then would be infinitely worse than now, so she swallows hard and prepares to get it over with.
She sees him stare blankly, not blinking, chin tilted slighting up so she cannot quite tell what he’s focusing on, even though it is obvious that he is incapable of seeing anything at the moment. Her legs, instinctively, move one in front of the other, carrying her to him, despite her brain doing its best to shout Stop! It’s not too late to turn around!, although in vain. All those electrical impulses traveling from nerve end to nerve end will never come to realize their trip and efforts were fruitless and won’t be listened to. They use their entire existence to deliver their message but she keeps moving forward, slowly, until she stops and is close enough to extend her wary arm and have her trembling fingertips brush against his graceful ones resting on those chains; metal intertwined with itself time and time again to reach infinity, to support him while he doesn’t even notice her standing right behind him. Her breath will make his hair dance, taunting her invisibility. It is still not too late to turn around, her brain shouts, but she is immobile, paralyzed. His skin is so translucent that she is sure that if she stepped any closer and tried to embrace him, she would be engulfed and live out her days lodged between the valves of his heart and taking her vacations far away in his smile, the places she used to believe she belongs.
Watching him be so lost, four thousand miles but eighteen inches away from her, is too overwhelming for her to handle and she expends every ounce of strength she has to open her mouth and breathe his name, then feels her lungs tighten again as the breath wafts through still air and finds its new home in his ear. His thoughts rush themselves back through miles and years of travel and his eyes lose their gloss, gain a layer of cloudiness proving that he is once again here.
It seems like four hundred years pass before he has completely turned around to face her. Instantaneously, her body revolts. It is scared, doesn’t know what he’s going to tell her, so the terror starts in her waiting ears and travels next to her brain, which sends it everywhere else complete with Prepare for the worst! battle cry. Its closest neighbor starts first, developing complete oceans behind her eyes waiting to explode all over her face, do its best to drown her from within. Little does it know the impossibility, and no one will give it a hint in fear of ruining a dream. As these tremendous bodies of water plane her demise, somewhere infinitely far away but in the same body bones and support systems are beginning to fail. Before she can think of a way to stop it, her joints fill up with the same ocean that is behind her eyes, but oceans are not made to sustain weight on its surface and she is sure she will fall. The sky, at least to her weary eyes, gets darker and his cloudy eyes and translucent skin get hazy around the edges as if drawn in crayon instead of actually existing. There are tiny air holes in the outlines of the sides of his face and they get harder to concentrate on. Her brain screams again You cannot drown if the water is internal!, but once again she cannot hear and starts to sink, drowning in her last deep breath.
Her eyes open again, using all of her strength to push the matter of her eyelids away from each other to let in light and image. He is breathing heavily, having just lifted her into the rubber sling created for support next to his. His cloudy eyes search hers for life and consciousness, and she can do nothing besides gaze back at him letting her eyes do all the talking. If eyes really are the window to the soul, then she tries to make hers wall-to-wall glass, pushing everything she has into view so he won’t be confused and she doesn’t have to speak a word. The little worker is as exhausted as she from moving everything closer and closer to him, and both of them watch him intently for any sign that shows he is receiving something, that he understands.
He smiles, slowly and sadly, and she understands his response. It is better than what she feared, but still nowhere near her dreams. She closes her eyes again to keep the oceans internal, and leans her tired head forward against the chains that hold her off the ground. She is, in her entirety, too tired to move, but she knows this is over. Her brain and heart combine to try to convince her to gather herself enough to escape, get away before he can see her vulnerability, even though both are sure it has already happened. She can feel, on the top of her head, the tears of a deity crying from whatever heaven may be up there, or maybe just innumerable molecules of water that the clouds have also become too tired to hold and decided to let go, her eyelids doing the same. Along with all the water bombarding her from all sides, she feels his long, graceful fingers intertwine with her hair, and in that gesture she knows it is too much.
Her energy recovered in the need to get away, she stands with now wet sand clinging to her bare feet, rushing towards home. Her legs carry her much faster this time, screaming at her to leave before anything else can happen to make this harder on her skin which tries its hardest to keep everything in one piece. She is almost there, the door just a mere ten seconds and a few more feet away.
‘Wait.’ She hears behind her. She is almost there, but cannot resist his plea. Her feet stop moving, but she keeps whatever strength she has to not give in completely; does not turn around.
‘I’m melting.’ She lets her silence give him his answer, and forces her eyes straight ahead, concentrating on the integral patterns woven into the brick. It is layer upon layer of dark burgundy stone bulging out towards her, beckoning to be leaned on, touched, stared at. It’ll say to her that it has seen thousands of stories end like this and that, in time, things will be better. She tries her hardest to believe it, to put her faith in the rock that has had no choice but to witness the rise and fall of everyone that stands by it, but it is beyond her. She can only close her eyes and focus so intently on thought that the ideas must flee out to him. She closes her eyes, hangs her head softly, whispers a muffled goodbye, and steps inside. Just before the door closes, she has one last moment of wild need for him, for his acceptance of her and her choices, and turns around to see if he looks sorrowful at her departure. Her searching eyes will look for longing on his face, but he exists now only as a puddle on her front step.
4:21 PM
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accept my love
And if you must put me in a box
Make sure it's a big box
With lots of windows
And a door to walk through
And a nice high chimney
So we can burn burn burn
Everything that we don't like
And watch the ashes
Fly up to Heaven
Maybe all the way to India
I'd like that
All the ancient kings came to my door
They said, "Do you want to be an ancient king too?"
I said, "Oh yes, very much
But I think my timing's wrong"
They said, "Time is relative
Or did you misread Einstien?"
I said, "Do you really mean it?"
They said, "What do you think we come here for
Our goddamn health or something?"
I completely forgot about this song. I love re-discovery.
2:53 PM
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they can't make you tell the truth
Found what was probably long forgotten:
"And sometimes it's better to be insane and busy because at least you know you're living, and there's nothing like needing to curl up with su boy and just be there..."
Exactly.
1:00 PM
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remain standing
Been trying all night
To make you listen
Say you know me now
I don't know myself
So I think I've figured out where I want to take that story, the one no one could help me with. Fuckers. ;-) Just kidding, I don't know what to do with it either, bleh. So I think I'm gonna do my best to stay away from any sort of detail about what this conflict is and just go into painstaking detail about their reaction. Almost no dialogue, maybe more of her shouting brain, I don't know. Comments are still welcome.
Remember: you are never too young to have a midlife crisis.
10:10 AM
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Saturday, June 26, 2004
one day, maybe, she'll come back to me and I'll say "why don't you go fuck yourself?"
I don't have the energy to go into it right now, as it seems to go nowadays, but if anyone cares how I'm doing right now it's not so good. I hate feeling so unappreciated and hurt, and unfortunately that's what I seem to attract. Well you know what they say, "we accept the love we think we deserve."
Someone please read my post with the story and give me some kind of comment, 'cause I really need it and want have that to focus on for a little while. Thanks.
9:29 PM
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Friday, June 25, 2004
keep on keepin' that dream alive
Yeah that's not actually the lyric but it sounds like it and I like it that way better.
Actual quote from some stupid tv show I had on in the background: "Remember last week at the petting zoo when that lamb licked you and you cried?"
....what the fuck?
6:32 PM
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Even children get older
Today is a very slow day. It's almost 1:30 already and honestly all I've been doing for the past hour and a half is I've written two or three work-related e-mails and wrote the into to a story I'm working on. It's coming okay, and I know how I want to write the ending, it's the middle of stories that I have problems with. My idea for the premise of this story is pretty vague, too, and I can't really tell yet what I want to happen. I just know how it starts and how it will, one day, end. I'll include it in the end here if anyone has any suggestions. Or this is just warning if you don't give a shit and know it's something you can skip over.
Since the middle of the day yesterday I have been working on building this database for christian booksellers. There's a big christian conference this weekend that we're (by 'we' I don't mean me, of course) presenting in in Atlanta, and they have some stupid catagory/sub-catagory standard system that I had to enter into the program and make lots of sales with to make it look like my pretend christian store exists. It's just funny 'cause my boss, as well as I, is Jewish, and so I kept getting distracted reading some of the inane catagories these christians have created. They had SUCH A BIG LIST for kitchenware in the 'gifts' department. I mean.. what the hell is a Christian teapot? Does that mean there is such a thing as a heathen teapot? Would that be a teapot that, instead of whistling when the water is hot, says "g-d damn it. g-d damn it. g-d damn it." If so, I want one.
Speaking of Christianity, half my family is Catholic and the one and a half year old baby on that side of the family is in town this weekend to get baptized in Evanston. So there's one more ceremony and reception I have to go to tomorrow. He's a cute baby who I've only met twice, I just hope the ceremony doesn't last long 'cause that's a lot of time in a church.
Anyway. Story: (mind you, this is just the beginning)
As yet Untitled (possibly 'Childhood')
Summer doesn’t stop anything. Temperatures may rise, but all that really does in the end is add a certain disdained mugginess to the air. Still things don’t get discussed, get done, although time doesn’t take her stress level and memory into account as it just keeps moving. She’ll blink and wistfully wish for it to slow down, wait for her, but such is useless at times like this. Time has plugged its ears and knows that if it gets tired of moving moving moving, the stars will fall away and this inescapable sky and earth will tear and contort into one and the same, bringing everything along with it. Longing and rage, along with wide eyes and soft skin, will fold together until none of it is distinguishable, not like there will be anything to distinguish it besides Time standing still and watching.
She knows this, and contends that all she has left to do is catch herself up with whatever she can. If she starts going along with these motions, she will be hiding away everything locked inside herself, pushing against her skin from the inside and doing its best to escape. She understands the consequence of its success then would be infinitely worse than now, so she swallows hard and prepares to get it over with.
She sees him stare blankly, not blinking, chin tilted slighting up so she cannot quite tell what he’s focusing on, even though it is obvious that he is incapable of seeing anything at the moment. Her legs, instinctively, move one in front of the other, carrying her to him, despite her brain doing its best to shout Stop! It’s not too late to turn around!, although in vain. All those electrical impulses traveling from nerve end to nerve end will never come to realize their trip and efforts were fruitless and won’t be listened to. They use their entire existence to deliver their message but she keeps moving forward, slowly, until she stops and is close enough to extend her wary arm and have her trembling fingertips brush against his graceful ones resting on those chains; metal intertwined with itself time and time again to reach infinity, to support him while he doesn’t even notice her standing right behind him. Her breath will make his hair dance, taunting her invisibility. It is still not too late to turn around, her brain shouts, but she is immobile, paralyzed. His skin is so translucent that she is sure that if she stepped any closer and tried to embrace him, she would be engulfed and live out her days lodged between the valves of his heart and taking her vacations far away in his smile, the places she used to believe she belongs.
Watching him be so lost, four thousand miles but eighteen inches away from her, is too overwhelming for her to handle and she expends every ounce of strength she has to open her mouth and breathe his name, then feels her lungs tighten again as the breath wafts through still air and finds its new home in his ear. His thoughts rush themselves back through miles and years of travel and his eyes lose their gloss, gain a layer of cloudiness proving that he is once again here.
1:27 PM
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Thursday, June 24, 2004
..and I don't mind.. I don't mind.
(continuation of last song title)
Umm, bought a memory card. It'll probably be a while until it gets here, though, so that'll suck while I want to take billions of pictures to figure out the camera. Such is life.
At work, I've figured out such to turn back time. Ten minutes ago it was Saturday, May 15th, not even a week after I returned home. I was probably sitting in Mom's room all day on the computer. As of the last ten minutes, though, it has changed to the following Tuesday, May 18th. In 3 days I will travel to Boston to see my sister graduate. I will go through the crappiest weekend as of this summer. This will not last long, though, and soon enough it will become an undetermined time, probably Friday the 21st. Still before Boston, but it doesn't matter because I'm not me right now, I'm just a cashier at Your Local Christian Bookstore. I will sell my imagination's people books and bibles, and record all of my doings. I will get paid for this. Then time will jump again and again until we reach present day. This is my tour of the past month through the eyes of someone I made up. I guess this is another form of seeing the world through different eyes?
11:20 AM
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Wednesday, June 23, 2004
She said "I don't wanna live no more"
Heh it's been less than a day. I lost the bid already. Dammit I want that memory card. Ehh, time to go bid on another one.
I'm exhausting myself from thinking and worrying too much. Someone just slap me and make it stop.
2:16 PM
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Tuesday, June 22, 2004
whoa yeah
I just placed a bid on e-bay for a 256MB memory card for my camera for $20. *drools* Oh man this makes me happy. Granted I probably won't win and have to settle for a 128MB for $30, but that's still better than the 16MB internal only.
3:12 PM
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I'm not crazy
Remind me never again to attempt sending out 800 faxes. I was so close to going insane it was nuts. 3 days. This morning, though, Carla had a message on her machine from some guy I sent it to yelling about how it was an illegal fax and to please never send him anything again and blah blah blah, claiming he never put his fax number on any list. Which is a lie, seeing as how we paid for the list we were sending this to. Stupid people. Tom got the original, but forwarded it to Carla 'cause he thought she'd get a kick out of it. Because there are some people who would rather call us up and waste our time to listen to him bitch (didn't even leave a store name, so how are we supposed to know who the hell he is...?) than just throw away the piece of paper and be done with it.
Oh well, at least they're all done.
Umm, in other news.. The Donnie Darko re-release is July 23rd. Hot shit, I know. When I get bored I go on imdb.com. It brightens my mood.
My new camera is being shipped right now. I'll start figuring things out when it gets here. Hooray! Now I just need to go on ebay and find a memory card for much cheaper than what they were trying to con me into buying. I know it exists. I feel bad for sales people...I mean I know it's their job, but I was so close to yelling at that poor woman "Just the camera, thanks.."
I keep waking up at 5:30. It's getting annoying, and obnoxiously regular. Just once this summer I'd like to sleep through the night. Or if I'm going to wake up, I'd like to be unconscious still so I won't remember it and be pissed the next day.
1:28 PM
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Sunday, June 20, 2004
i try and try and try
Good lord today is a nightmare. Not because of any reasons you'd be expecting from me, though, don't worry. I mean... I've had to listen to them bicker my entire life, why aren't I used to it yet? Story: We overslept this morning and so it was hectic anyway getting out of the house to go to brunch at Gramma and Grampa's. Mom gives me the keys to go wait in the car for her, and in the time we're gone she goes into Anna's room to get a movie she rented a couple days prior. And finds a lemonade spill. And goes fucking nuts. And yells at Anna the whole way there about how sick she is of the disgustingness of Anna's room, that she won't be going out to dinner tonight with the Kondos, our family friends, if her room isn't spotless, that if she ever finds another spill like that she's kicking her out, as much to say that she won't consider her a part of the family until she can learn to keep it clean. To me, at least, it seems kind of normal for them. Honestly, this has been going on for more years than I can remember. Well we get to Gramma's, Anna in tears upon entering the door and immediately locks herself in the bathroom sobbing. We get called in to eat, and Mom and Auntie "discuss the situation" in the office for a while, then Auntie comes out to eat and Mom is locked in the office. She comes out after a while and eats while the attention is on Grampa & his presents (one man at the head of the table surrounded by 7 girls. It was pretty cute. Leslie, Gramma's caretaker, got a towel with her "new" initials "LL" for Leslie Lee [we're making her part of the family now] because it's her anniversary in the house). Immediately following dinner Auntie takes Anna into the library to talk while the rest of us sit and talk. Mom leaves early because she doesn't feel well, and Alexa goes to the library to check on things, so it was kind of just me and my grandparents on the porch talking. There always seems to be really bad bickering at family events. Mother's Day was when I came home, and Auntie and Grampa were both steaming mad at Mom the whole day. It's just silly.
Well we got home and Mom's door is shut, I don't think she's talking to anyone. My laptop decided it'll let me online today, but only to select sites. Dammit. So I'm just pissy today. I'm sorry if I'm short-tempered, I've just never done too well with listening to conflict. I refuse to get involved. Same old, same old...
2:48 PM
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Friday, June 18, 2004
I'm happy for you, I'd rather be happy for me
I got kicked out of the room tonight so Mom and Paul could watch their movie. The movie was only on vhs and the only vcr in the house is attached to Mom's tv, so I had to go. During this time, unfortunately, I really really had to write. So there's a new 4 pages or so in my paper journal, which will probably get copied into here tomorrow. Tonight is just a summary:
Father's day is depressingly close. The day itself won't be so bad because I'll be at a brunch with my family celebrating Grampa and that'll be nice, and then later in the day the Kondos, our family friends from way back when, are coming into town so I'll probably be going to a big family dinner with them. It's a lot of distraction. Tomorrow's going to be bad and I can feel it; tonight I went to buy Dad (and Grampa) father's day cards. Tomorrow I plan on going to the cemetary and giving Dad his. Picking it out, I almost started crying. And by 'almost' I mean I did, but had to choke it down and stop myself because other people were coming in the aisle. Okay this is more than a summary. I guess I'm just lonely tonight. I drove around for a bit listening to some really good music I had forgotten about (Telegraph) and trying to not make things blurry. Mom's almost out of gas and I didn't want to fill up her tank, so I came home instead of sitting at Lovelace Park with a notebook writing things down, and instead wrote by candlelight in my room, and got depressed enough that I couldn't wait to come back to the computer and called Josh and left a message because he's out tonight.
There are northwestern students walking around outside the window and they're loud as hell. Dammit.
I just want it to be Monday so I can go back to work and not think about things.
11:42 PM
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now I'm stuck debating if I even want to go
I think this is my second journal entry with the Ataris as my title-band. Oh well, I can't help it if they're so damn good.
So there were no really interesting-looking people on the train. Well there were... the girl sitting next to me was very pale and had bright pink lipstick on and it made her look like a doll. I just don't have the energy to go into any more detail.
As for other things, I really am glad that she finally got around to blocking me. Well I guess I shouldn't say 'finally' seeing as how it's probably been in effect for a while, but I just found out last night. Not like I'd really talk to her even if I could see that she's online, but whatever. Living's gonna be pretty... interesting, to say the least, next year.
9:32 AM
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Thursday, June 17, 2004
girls are fucking evil
What a good song...
So I grabbed an old journal to carry around with me to write down random thoughts/bio notes. However, the only thought I came up with today, is: "There is a street called 'Road to Six Flags' in Arlington, Texas."
The world is messed up.
4:51 PM
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Wednesday, June 16, 2004
are you in or are you out?
1. are your expectations difficult to live up to?
I wouldn't have thought so, but seeing as how so few people meet them.... maybe that says something about my expectations, maybe that says something about humanity.
2. if you had to take someone to a desert island for a month, who would it be?
Josh
3. do you think this question is cliched? why?
It's cliched in that it's used so often and people rarely give much thought to it anymore, but the point still stands.
4. haha, seriously, who would you really take?
I'd seriously take Josh. We do well with being together with no particular agenda. It'll be a nice chance to not have distraction.
5. pick one: sleek and shiny, or fuzzy and comfy?
Definitely fuzzy and comfy.
6. are you ever honest?
As long as I believe it when I say it, I'm being honest.
7. is there any such thing as honesty?
As long as there is no doubt in the speaker's heart. I don't think there's absolute honesty, though... everything is subjective.
8. choose one: mysterious or straightforward? and how much does this have to do with your perceptions of honesty?
Straightforward is more practical, but mysterious is definitely more fun. It's nice to have to think about things and not have it all laid out for you. Depending on the situation, I guess. I don't think this has much to do with my perceptions of honesty because even if I'm being mysterious, I'm still not telling you something different.
9. what do you think is tasty?
Aussie licorice.
10. pick your favorite finger.
ring finger, right hand.
11. how do you decide when's the right moment to kiss someone?
When you look into their eyes and the feeling in your heart is too overwhelming to ignore, and honestly all you can do is lean in and go for it.
12. is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
Definitely. It sucks because you know what you're missing, but love is such a sad thing not to know.
13. do you expect people to understand you?
No, I've given up on the prospect of being understood by most people.
14. do they?
They think they do, but I disagree.
15. tell me what you think of when the word 'balance' is said.
peace and order.
16. do you believe in the concept of morals?
Yes, although I believe it's deeply personal and trying to infuse it as anything more than a concept is dangerous.
17. stroke something: hair, feathers, fur, skin, or scales.
As an idea I'll say skin because I know how lovely that feels, but my first instinct is usually hair. Unexplainable, but nice.
12:53 PM
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slow me down
Time seems to be moving slower than ever. I haven't gotten a full night's sleep since I've been home, I think. My mattress sucks. I should sleep on the couch. Things just seem weird 'cause I'll spend my time thinking about you and feel one way, and then we'll talk and it'll feel like something completely different. I know Sunday wasn't the best, but I need you to understand why that made me so upset. Before we had a chance to talk about it (after I figured out why it was affecting me so) it seemed like things moved on. To something else. I hate that there has to be something else.
Work is getting more... obnoxious. I've been trying to test this electronic ordering function, and the company I'm ordering from has to manually create responses to me. Somehow, a week into testing this, the files he's creating for me have changed format to something that our software can't read, and on top of this my contact there is trying to push me off onto someone else so I can't really get straight answers. All of this while I care less and less.
We have family friends coming in on Sunday for I-dont-know-how-long. A week, I think, but one of them is staying for 2 weeks longer at the local culinary school for a camp. She'll be kicked out of the dorms during weekends and will be living in my room on the other bed. So I don't know how much I'll be around next week, these were our next door neighbors at our first house in Evanston, and their oldest daughter is about 2 weeks older than me so her mom and my mom were pregnant together and chummy, to say the least. I know I'll be coaxed into "family time" with them; Mom's been asking if there were any shows I want to take them too or if I want to go BACK down to Belmont to show them around. I don't think it'll happen, but we'll see.
Oh geez... Sunday is also father's day. Damn, maybe I'll spend some time this weekend at the cemetary. I haven't been back there since Thanksgiving, I guess this is as good a time as any for a visit.
11:39 AM
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Tuesday, June 15, 2004
I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
Donnie Darko re-release this summer????? How many minutes of extra footage?? I can just hope I haven't missed it. Though I'm sure it's coming to Chicago, and I check movie listings fairly often....
3:07 PM
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better make her happy
So apparently, when my mom gets pissed off at me, she calls me by my sister's name. That's awesome. I love being the agreeable daughter.
1:27 PM
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Monday, June 14, 2004
keep on rockin' me, baby
I've expended most of my options and I'm only 1.5 blocks into my day. This may be painful. So, to keep from going crazy while waiting for e-mails that allow me to *do work*, I'm continuing on my 'list'.
bird: On "my" "L" station, Dempster St., there is a pigeon that has been dead and laying in between the two tracks for as long as I've been riding the train this summer, slightly over a month. When I get around to buying a digital camera, I'll take a picture of it, as some kind of sad sad truth. I assume I have the time to get a camera since the bird has been there for a month (that i know of), and if the city was going to dispose of it, I"m sure they would have done so already.
woman on train: The day I devised this list, there was a woman sitting on the train behind me. She was maybe in her mid-50s, small, and had a book open in front of her. I, as I do every day, had my headphones on, but even so I could hear her mumbling. Because of the headphones, I could not tell whether or not she was speaking English. I'm sure she was reading aloud from whatever book this was. Even though it is more probable that it was some trashy romance novel, I'd like to believe it was holy scriptures of some sort and that she was praying. No one ever talks on the train. It's usually a very self-conscious ride, and I was refreshed by the variety.
11:58 AM
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These are the things that I dream about
Umm, as a followup, I've got my doctor's appointment, Mom's making it today. So maybe in the near future I'll be less painful...?
From the weekend: my choice of movies Saturday was much more pleasant than Friday. Osmosis Jones and Hannibal were on tv, so I was having a field day. Granted Hannibal isn't really fun and games, but it didn't make me feel any crappier. So hooray.
I got my Go board #1. Ebay rules, except when the seller tells me I took too long to pay so he put his go board back up for bid, so I bid on another one, which I also win, and then the first guy sends the board anyway so soon I'll have 2. Gaah people.
To start on my "list":
park: Just south of the Bryn Mawr "L" stop, there is a little park enclosed by a neat black fence that I look for every day. I have yet to see people in this park, maybe because I pass it at 9 am and that's early for little kids to want to go play, but still. There's no playground equipment, all I can see is a semicircle of raised ground, perfectly done with the concavity pointing towards the tracks, and spherical bushes dotted along the top of this C-shaped hill. I can only assume the pit that I can't see on the other side of this mound would make a nice little resting point that I would, one day, like to visit.
10:55 AM
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Sunday, June 13, 2004
Alone all night, alone we'll be singin'
oh man FUCK THESE CRAMPPPS. I need a doctors appointment NOW. Rowr.
Anyway. Summer's getting tiring. I'm getting SO SICK of hearing her say shit like "I can't believe I'm starting another week with no help around here.", as though when she says "can you do so and so" and we do it, that's not help. I know I lucked out in this department in the grand scheme of things, but give me a fucking break.
DAHHH PAIN *stabstabstab*
10:17 PM
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I try and try and try
this isn't real. Nothing is.
12:40 PM
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Friday, June 11, 2004
take back
Tonight: The Cooler.
I don't really know what it was about the movie that struck something, but I don't know... I think it's something about how all the "sex scenes" except the first one are all post-sex, when they're laying in bed and happy. Maybe I've just been thinking about it too much, but it really hit something. I'm getting to the point tonight where being awake is just truly exhausting. I hate watching movies where everyone else finds love. I know it's supposed to make me feel happy because they're happy, but it's just a reminder that I'm not. And I really hate the idea of other people classifying my problems. These are all fragments of a real thought. Questions really are a handy way to perpetuate conversation, but it just gets daunting when I'm on the receiving end and I want to scream and make her move on. I can't shake the feeling that she's just asking everything she can think of to make herself feel like her childhood friend isn't gone. We left this years ago, that girl is long gone.
I found an old pen-and-paper journal I used to keep sparatically in high school. What a fucking moron. I used to think that I used to be deep and think these wonderful things when I was younger, but I think all I really did was worry about myself for stupid things that don't matter. If I could go back in time and talk to her I'd punch her, probably. I'd tell her about all the things that aren't important, that I won't even remember later on in life so stop caring about them now. I'd tell myself to pull my head out of my ass, and I'd probably be a lot wiser now, without all of that "I learned through my own experience" baggage. And I hate that I can tell myself that now, how I was just a stupid teenager and what did I know anyway?, no one should trust a 16 year old with real decisions; but it's kind of fruitless to know my mistakes now, except to not go through them again.
I just feel like looking at myself in the mirror for a long, long time and trying to figure out what any of this means. If it's really true that everything I've been through could have happened without me; whether or not I'm as replaceable as I feel. Since I can't write this without crying I should probably leave before mom notices.
10:17 PM
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Arm to arm
oh, in other recent news... my attempt at keeping my hands away from my eyebrows is relatively failing. I'm getting better, but still not there after 4 days. Or so. I need more dicipline.
3:33 PM
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not another word
DAH there's always someone sitting behind me. I hate being so paranoid.
Recent obsession: making sure I post every day (at least from work).
3:18 PM
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Thursday, June 10, 2004
we had hope
My day is split up into fourths. This is not exact, seeing as how I don't work a full 8-hour day (it's more like 7.5-7.75, depending on when I get out in the morning and whether or not I take a bus on top of the train); each fourth is a 2-hour block. Getting through the first 2 blocks, from 9-11 and 11-1, aren't so bad. It's my first countdown. I guess is goes especially fast since I'm never here at 9, so I don't feel an urge to look at the clock until 9:45. That's almost halfway through the first block already.
The third block is always the worst. 1-3. It's like I know I'm halfway done, and waiting should get easier from then on. But it draaags. It's still 4 hours away from going home. Sooo. Looong. And Chance is long gone by then, there isn't much hope for starting a new project.
The last goes by fairly quickly, but again in fourths. the last half hour is brutal. Since no one seems to work full hours anymore, I'm usually the last one around by 4:45 and will sit around staring at the wall (i.e. computer screen, not work-related) until 5 so I can say I was here until 5. Hooray for non-salary payment.
I seem to do any/all random/beautiful thoughts on my way to work in the mornings on the train. I've subsequently written them down on a scrap of paper on my desk, and eventually I'll remember what was going on and post them here. As a reminder to myself:
Park
bird
woman on train
minor keys
turning earring
meltdown
I'm curious as to, after reading that list, what you think each of these could lead to...
3:02 PM
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And I said to my reflection "let's get out of this place"
What the hell.... did David just offer me a post-graduation job??
12:17 PM
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Wednesday, June 09, 2004
I saw a picture of you and me and it all rushed back how it used to be
Hey! Guess how many things on that list didn't happen? That's right... all of them.
Mom's friend Kirk is going out of town for about 3 weeks starting later this month and asked Mom to watch his dog Zoe, and Mom suggested that I do it. So I'm most likely gonna be living in his apartment for 3 weeks. He comes back the day I leave for New Jersey to visit Josh for a week. So 4 weeks of not living at home. I don't know whether this'll be good or not, I think I'm going to end up getting really lonely, 'cause spending all my time in Mom's room (i.e. in the same room as my mother) is my excuse to not break down here. So we'll see, I guess.
9:29 PM
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That don't impress me much
Damn that Shania Twain in the next room. They play that song every day. EVERY. DAY.
So I've kind of finished for the day, I'm just too poor to leave early when I can sit here and get paid for it. Wooo.
Things to do:
-Talk to mom about getting a doctor's appointment
-Swim some laps and be healthy
-figure out what's wrong (again) with the laptop/router
-this list is getting silly 'cause I'm obviously being more ambitious than realistic
-go to best buy and get new headphones
-go... somewhere... and get a new swimsuit (see #2)
-hassle this guy on ebay so I can get my stuff
-ummm...things?
-this list is officially ridiculous.
Does anyone know when Father's Day is? I know it's coming up... just wondering.
4:16 PM
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Tuesday, June 08, 2004
falling on our pride
Promise me no dead end streets
And I'll guarantee we'll have the road
9:49 PM
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stand on my own two feet
Being at work is, at least, amusing 'cause I sit around all morning searching my symptoms on medical websites. This means I get to go to a doctor and really talk about it, and hopefully get something to make it better.
I'm spending the day today making sure I don't touch my eyebrows. I'm breaking the habit.
Walking from the train station to work sucks 'cause this city smells bad. I like going down Foster 'cause it's convenient, but there's 2 blocks along the way that are lined with the same type of bush, which really smells like death. If I forget to breathe through my mouth while I walk by, it makes me want to vomit.
10:53 AM
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Monday, June 07, 2004
"I love you"'s not enough, I'm lost for words
I wish I knew what was going on. I don't like crying at work; thank g-d I was the only one there. I don't like having to expend all my energy to not cry on the train ride home, I don't want the pity of strangers. I want to know what you think, I want to know what you want. I can't assume anything, I know that. I thought I had some idea, but then that.... now I don't know anything, except I'm having trouble breathing.
My worst fear is that while you're comfortable with me and you love me, that's all you want. I can't go into more detail right now or I'll break... I just don't want this to turn out to be something that I've promised myself I won't go through with you. I can't write anymore. I can't. I have to go.
6:11 PM
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monday monday
Nevertheless, he knows he knows
Nevertheless, his bugle blows
Nevertheless, the story goes
Nevertheless, he won’t delay
Nevertheless another day
Nevertheless, he walked away
Cry as she will, early next morn’
In bed while the clock bellows its horn
He won’t be ‘round so he can say
it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
Hope as she will to see him there
To feel her skin, to feel her hair
She hears her heartbeat softly pray
it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
Nevertheless, he knows he knows
Nevertheless, his bugle blows
Nevertheless, the story goes
Nevertheless, he won’t delay
Nevertheless another day
Nevertheless, he walked away
Her lips, they move, they form the words
He said while storming out, to her
ÿWhat have I done? What did I say?
ÿWhat could have made you think that way?
ÿYou won’t see me another dayÿ
Each words was pelting her with pain
Now at her side nobody lay
And so continues on her play
it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
Nevertheless, he knows he knows
Nevertheless, his bugle blows
Nevertheless, the story goes
Nevertheless, he won’t delay
Nevertheless another day
Nevertheless, he walked away
No matter how she once denied
No matter how she lied, she lied
No matter how he feels betrayed
it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
He spends a week in some hotel
He goes to her, he rings her bell
His face has put it on display
it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
Nevertheless, he knows he knows
Nevertheless, his bugle blows
Nevertheless, the story goes
Nevertheless, he won’t delay
Nevertheless another day
Nevertheless, he walked away
Nevertheless, he knows he knows
Nevertheless, his bugle blows
Nevertheless, the story goes
it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
2:08 PM
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If you want me, then come on and break the door down
I've started again, like what happened in mid-February maybe, to wake up every morning with a very specific pain in my abdomen. Like the last time this happened, I don't know why or what to do about it. My guess would be stress, but that still doesn't help me make it go away. Things are getting hectic at work again, whatever I'm trying to test isn't working for me and me only, and everyone I'm contacting about how to fix it is giving me a different answer so I still don't get it. I just have to sit around and wait for e-mails, and for tomorrow morning when the head programmer will be back. What is it with programmers that they can only work really odd hours? No one around this office can do anything without Chance here, and yet she still sets her 8-hour work day to happen from 4am- noon. So when everyone else gets here at 9 and then has a problem at 1, there's nothing we can do until tomorrow.
I wish I could still feel things. I'm not so sure I like this numbness. I wish I could think farther ahead than making it to tomorrow - wake up to get to work, get to work to get to go home, go home to talk to you, go to bed to wake up tomorrow. Time will keep elapsing. Always.
Is it 6 weeks later yet?
12:38 PM
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Friday, June 04, 2004
Have you ever been kicked while you're already down?
The bump on the back of my conch piercing doesn't seem to be getting better, so this morning I went on webmd.com to see what they recommend for "home remedies", i.e. how to clean it and make it go away. They had some good suggestions about not using rubbing alcohol or hydrogen peroxide, just warm soapy water and antibacterial soap. That satisfied me.
So half out of precaution and half out of curiousity, I checked the "prevention" secion of the site, and most of them were legit - know the material to make sure you're not allergic, etc., but there was one near the end of the list which said "be aware of the social and emotional risk you are taking," because getting a piercing has "negative social connotation." What kind of medical advice is that? How is being aware of my social risk going to keep me from getting infected? I mean... who writes these things? I guess if I care so much about my "negative image" I won't get the piercing, and if I don't have the piercing, it can't get infected, but come on... that's just weak.
10:27 AM
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Wednesday, June 02, 2004
track the beating with the chart
TYLENOL IS USELESS. Gaaah. But... I still can't stop smiling. :-)
3:08 PM
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Tuesday, June 01, 2004
the sounds of Tina yelling about how stupid customers are
At home, we're getting new carpet put in, so I took down the family computer last night, and it didn't take so long for the internet to cease working on my laptop, and I'm not sure why. No signal from whatever router I'm mooching from, I think. So, either way, I'm not going to be online much until tomorrow evening at the earliest, probably Thursday. Huzzah carpets. If you want to talk to me, you're gonna have to actually CALL.
2:33 PM
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