Saturday, January 31, 2004
Check
To quote Perks..... "I feel like a big faker because I've been putting my life back together, and nobody knows."
First step: check. He came over last night after an ackward night; obvious that I needed to talk to him. We walked silently into the suite with the girls watching a movie; obvious as to what they thought when we came in and headed straight for my room. He sat on my bed; I sat next to him. He looked at me with sad eyes, and it was time to begin. "I'm sorry."
We talked for about an hour about how things were and why they were that way, and it was so real it was scary. It's weird how much more of an idealist he is than I am, because I guess I surround myself with more pessimists than him. He's definitely not been as oblivious to everything as I'd assumed; I underestimate him too much. So he's noticed how different I am when it's him and me or us in the suite as opposed to when the group contains josh. He wanted our solution to be to spend more time together until he can figure out how to make me as happy as I am with him. That was killer.
"I still want to be together. Do you?"
I didn't have the heart to say "no," so I said "I don't know" really quietly and started crying. He understood. He kept saying that he was glad that this happened and that it ended the way it did with no one angry. I just think he deserves to be with someone who can devote more to him than I can; someone who can be better to him than I was.
There was a good ten minutes between him getting boots, coat, hat, and gloves on and the time he made it out the front door. We had a hard time not giving each other one more hug or sad smile. "I just know that when I leave this door, it'll really be final."
Well you're not here anymore, and things will be okay.
12:09 PM
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Friday, January 30, 2004
Try #2
So it looks like I can't do right by anyone nowadays. Sad enough to say, I'm reminding myself of how Eleanor was a few years ago when I still knew her - I'll try to pretend that everything's okay and keep people separate to keep them as happy as I can, and sooner or later it all blows up in my face.
Let's start with last night, shall we? I came back from putting up urcg posters around 11:30 and had a deal with Josh that he'd come over when I came back. So he sent me The Fifth Element over aim and came to watch with me. We spent the whole movie cuddling on my bed and it was wonderful. He kept smiling to himself and saying that he could see that I wanted to kiss him, which was both right and wrong. I mean it was tempting, but being with him like that was so much more than flirting. I felt comfortable. I felt safe. And I wasn't going to mess that up, so I didn't. After the movie he joked around saying that he was too tired to go back upstairs and would have spent the night if I didn't have to be up early this morning. Alas, he left, and it was the first time in about a week that I didn't go to bed feeling sick.
Now we get to today: we had a deal that I would meet him outside of his Death, Dying, and Beyond class, which he has with Summer. I have Japanese at that time, but we got out really early so I went with Margaret to wait for him. Where we were standing, it was perfect to look directly at Summer, so we did and made goofy faces at her for the last five minutes of class. When they got up to leave, Josh made it to the door first so I walked away with him as planned. Wrong fucking move, Nora. Summer's still not talking to me for making her believe that I went to meet her and then leaving before she got out of the room. She and Nancy are convinced that I would choose Josh over them anyway and although they're angry at me, it's pretty much true. Mona explained it to me as: the girls really don't care about anyone but themselves. So when they do find someone that they're willing to care about (i.e. me), they expect it to be returned, and I've been doing a shitty job of showing that I do care about their friendship. Which I do. I like spending time with them, it's just that they don't need me as a friend like Josh does. They just see him hurt me (while somehow failing to see how happy he makes me, too) and can't figure out why I keep going back. So now they're avoiding me until eventually they blow up.
Then tonight was this special deal to see Monster at the Little for $1. I bought tickets for Josh and Doug so I was joking that they were my dates. When we get to ITS where the bus leaves, Ben shows up. Mind you, Josh really dislikes Ben for obvious reasons. I really try to keep them apart, but it's really fucking useless sometimes. I know it bothers Josh and Ben is pretty oblivious usually, so I follow Josh onto the bus and sit with him. Ben sits with Doug a few rows back. Josh is really quiet and has been quiet since he and Doug picked me up so I knew something was bothering him besides that Ben is there. He doesn't talk to me the whole way, deep in his own mind, so I just sit with him quietly with linked arms. In the theater, the 4 of us find seats in a row and I sit in between Ben and Josh. I barely look at Ben the whole night to try to...not make things better for Josh, just not make them worse. Ben tried holding my hand and all I could do was shake my head "no". On the busride home I sit with Josh again but this time Ben and Doug are in the seats accross the isle. Ben is quiet the whole time sitting with his back to the window; Josh is staring out of his. Nancy and Summer sit in front of Ben and Doug and don't say a word to us the whole time. So this leaves Doug being Doug, who is most comfortable rectifying a situation by making jokes. He spends the ride home singing INXS and Journey through a 'loudspeaker' he made from rolling up a magazine. I don't know what to do so I laugh.
Let me also remind you that I've been feeling sick this whole time. It's not cramps, but it's pretty fucking related and I haven't eaten anything since 2pm so the midol isn't taking. Mona comes in my room to tell me everything the girls have said and I compare notes from my evening. I make a quick trip to the bathroom to get more midol and see if it'll do something this time, and it gets lodged in my throat hitting my gag reflex. The flash of the next ten minutes is nothing but me gagging/spitting/throwing up bile until I start to cry. This is not how I pictured my night.
Now I'm just sitting here, wondering how I got so far into this mess that I'm making everyone except Mona so angry. I'm going to talk to Ben tomorrow (who, incidently, left me a message by the time I got home saying "it's pretty obvious you still have feelings for Josh, I think you should tell him."...) and finally get everything sorted out with him. I feel bad for being so awful to him; I know he's a good kid and doesn't deserve it. I'm just obviously not the one for him and I should really get around to stopping leading him on and making it clear that I think we'd work much better as friends. Doug is going out of town this weekend and I'm expecting his absense to be an excuse for Josh to get really bad, so I was planning on spending most of the weekend with him, which I'm SURE will go over well with Summer and Nancy. I'll be waiting for them to start yelling at me, which is the only way they'll ever let me know that something isn't right.
Long story short, this should be an interesting fucking weekend....
2:35 AM
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Monday, January 26, 2004
My heart will break before I cry
I want to say that everything is going fine; this is just a check up. Somehow that doesn't seem to ever happen. I want to be able to say everything on my mind but I can't. Things don't form themselves into words anymore, I just have a swirl of colors formulating into snippets of ideas encompassing my mind and seeping itself through my pores into my soul. In the past two weeks I've found myself coming home only to shut myself in my room and ignoring my suitemates who may or may not be asking for me. Some things just hurt less when I'm alone; and then again some things hurt more but at least I don't have to hide it.
For the first time, probably, since I've been here I don't think going home and being with everyone would help. I can't rely on running away to solve anything. I need to remember how to save myself or else it's never going to happen. Looking back at old posts I'm remembering that time when I would write everything here without using "I" or "me" because I didn't want to admit that this is about me. I don't want to focus on me. Maybe that's how I got this far.
If I close my eyes for long enough I can almost feel your emotion running over to me, drawing its hypothetical sword and battling mine. I can't tell you what it is about you that makes me miss you when you stand in front of me, but maybe that isn't the point. Because either way, it happens. You smile at me through the walls you've built and wave goodbye. I just refuse to leave and will spend the rest of my life walking around the perimeter looking for the door that you never built.
Albiet people telling me I should never say this to him, I told him tonight that if he ever told me to choose I'd choose him. He said he'd never ask me to. I know this is why I love him, but he'd never love me unless he's the only one. What is it about me that I can only choose my friends so they all hate each other? I know he makes him uncomfortable and I do whatever I can to not mention him and keep them two away from each other. That obvoiusly doesn't always work, like dinner tonight, but I wanted him to notice that I kept talking to him and ganged up on his team. I know it's hard, but I'm trying. My best will never be good enough and I'm just starting to accept this. For the life of me I don't want to. I just understand now, like I always have, that he needs more, and just because he's my first priority doesn't mean I always have time, and that's not what he needs to hear. I still love him, though, in my own way. I'd give the world to sit with him in Hoyt watching weird movies and holding hands not because I'm trying to make a move, but because that's what's comfortable. It's the best kind of friendship I could ask for. I know it bothers him that I'm going to the ball with someone else in a little over a week, but for the record, I asked him first and he said he wasn't interested.
I wish I could get over this period in my life where my daily routine starts and ends with a dull pain in my abdomen. I'd like to either go to bed or wake up without feeling ill. I want to tell myself that this is stress related and that my best bet is to close my eyes and picture something beautiful, but there are some things that no amounts of beauty will ever erase.
Maybe as a help, though, I'm off to spend the early hours of morning (i.e. not time for sleep yet) learning the viennese waltz on the tabletops in the library. This, somehow, is what I've always dreampt college is like.
11:42 PM
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Friday, January 23, 2004
Heh
When I first put in the link to Mike's deviantART page where the "I Know You" series is (note: the link on Mike's name goes to his website. The link on the "I Know You" goes to his deviantART page.), I definitely spelled it "devient" and when I just checked it, there's an entire index for differnt kinds of porn and "adult photography".
After a heated debate with myself on whether or not to change it, I did.
4:44 PM
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I'm falling
I've become recently obsessed with Mike's "I Know You" series and just downloaded a lot of Henry Rollins's spoken word stuff.
I Know You
I know you
you were too short
you had bad skin
you couldn't talk to them very well
words didn't seem to work
they lied when they came out of your mouth
you tried so hard to understand them
you wanted to be part of what was happening
you saw them having fun
and it seemed like such a mystery
almost magic
made you think that there was something wrong with you
you'd look in the mirror trying to find it
you thought that you were ugly
and that everyone was looking at you
so you learned to be invisible
to look down
to avoid conversation
the hours
days
weekends
ah the weekend nights, alone
where were you
in the basement?
in the attic?
in your room?
working some job?
just to have something to do
just to have a place to put yourself
just to have a way to get away from them
a chance to get away from the ones that made you feel so strange and ill-at-ease inside yourself
did you ever get invited to one of their parties
you sat and wondered if you would go or not
for hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire
they would laugh at you
if you would know what to do
if you would have the right things on
if they would notice that you came from a different planet
did you get all brave in your thoughts
like you were going to be able to go in there and deal with it
and have a great time
did you think that you might be "the life of the party"
that all these people were gonna talk to you
and you would find out that you were wrong
that you had a lot of friends
and you weren't so strange after all?
did you end up going
did they mess with you
did they single you out
did you find out that you were invited
because they thought you were so weird
yeah, I think I know you
you spent a lot of time full of hate
a hate that was pure as sunshine
a hate that saw for miles
a hate that kept you up at night
a hate that filled your every waking moment
a hate that carried you for a long time
yes I think I know you
you couldn't figure out what they saw and the way they lived
home was not home
your room was home
a corner was home
the place they weren't- that was home
I know you
you're sensitive
and you hide it, because you fear getting stepped on one more time
it seems that when you show a part of yourself that is the least bit vulnerable
someone takes advantage of you
one of them steps on you
they mistake kindness for weakness
but you know the difference
you've been the brunt of their weakness for years
and strength is something you know a bit about
because you had to be strong to keep yourself alive
you know yourself very well now
and you don't trust people
you know them too well
you try to find that "special person"
someone you can be with
someone you can touch
someone you can talk to
someone you won't feel so strange around
and you found that they don't really exist
you feel closer to people on movie screens
yeah, I think I know you
you spend a lot of time daydreaming
and people have made comment to that effect
telling you that you're "self-involved" and "self-centered"
but they don't know, do they
about the long nightshifts alone
about the years of keeping yourself company
all the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
so you could imagine someone holding you
the hours of indecision
self-doubt
the intense depression
the blinding hate
the rage that made you stagger
the devastation of rejection
well
maybe they do know
but if they do
they sure do a good job of hiding it
it astounds you how they can be so smooth
how they seem to pass through life as if life itself was some divine gift
and it infuriates you to watch yourself with your apparent skill,
and finding every way possible to screw it up
for you, life is a long trip
terrifying and wonderful
birds sing to you at night
the rain and the sun
the changing seasons
are true friends
solitude is a hard won ally
faithful and patient
yeah, I think I know you
4:42 PM
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Feed Me?
So. So I begin a lot of sentences with 'so'.
Anyway.......so last night was Story of the Year, with Josh and Doug. We got there, and probably the first thing we noticed was the the average age of the people there was maybe around 15. So, naturally, I try to convince the boys to go up to them and start hittin' on them. There was this one chick in this group of girls that was obviously not older than 13, and she was wearing a shirt that said "COLLEGE" on it. Josh was gonna go sleaze his way up to her and say, in his best "I encourage pedophilia" voice, "hey, so I see you go to college. I go to college too..." and start up a conversation. I swear during the first band, Emanuel, one of 'em was making eyes at Doug. I told him so and he didn't believe me. I wanted soo badly to go up to one of them (good lord I've missed prostitots) and ask for her phone number. I mean, these girls have barely hit puberty so they definitely aren't going to be comfortable with their own sexuality, right? Sad to say, none of this actually happened, but we got a good laugh. I love hearing Josh laugh.
After the show (which was fuckin' awesome, by the way), Josh wandered off to find a "quiet" corner to call a cab to come pick us up. He found one so we went to go wait outside like stupid people. What a fucking mistake - it was soo damn cold. The bouncer wouldn't let us back in to wait (except Doug, somehow), so Josh and I were standing outside huddled together for whatever kind of warmth that'd bring either of us. It worked, but I still froze. The cabbie forgot about us and after half an hour Josh called another guy who came in 10 minutes. I could barely walk 'cause the bottoms of my feet were so frozen. Needless to say, though, it was entirely worth it. Tickets go on sale Saturday for a Yellowcard show on my birthday; it should be amazing.
I just....love spending time with him. Good times, good times....
1:16 PM
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Wednesday, January 21, 2004
I suck
Tonight I went dress shopping with Mona for the Masquerade Ball (which I found, and it's beautiful), and since we were hungry we went to the food court. I didn't want to spill crap on this scarf that I always wear; long strands of reds and purples and teals; all vibrant and beautiful and intertwined; so I took it off and put it on the chair next to me. Stupid me, though, forgot to pick it back up.
So the scarf is gone. I went back to look for it, and (big fucking surprise) it wasn't there. Fuck. That scarf was a gift to me slightly over a year ago when Dad died. Nikki handed me a box; surrounding the scarf and a note saying "whenever you feel down and need a hug, wear this, close your eyes, and picture me holding you." And now it's fucking gone. I wear that scarf every day so every day I get my hug from Nikki and every day I miss my dad. I feel like slowly and surely I'm going to lose all my mementos of him, and that's the most terrifying idea I can think of. I know he'll always live in my heart and in my memories, but it doesn't seem the same without these little tokens that prove that he was once alive and breathing and... with me. Even as I type this, I'm wearing his sweater and wearing his jeans. One day I will grow out of these clothes. One day I'm going to be careless enough to lose the ring he gave me from Denmark; three little swans chisled in silver; one looking back to the past, one looking at me in the present, and one looking forward into the future. I've promised myself I'd never lose this ring since it is so irreplaceable, but knowing my luck and my stupidity I'm probably going to, just as I have done with the scarf. That was pretty fucking irreplaceable too. I don't want to lose him, and I don't want to lose my every-day hugs.
8:48 PM
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Sunday, January 18, 2004
What have I done?
Things in the past few days have been fucking ridiculous. You want something to read? Stop trying to interpret everything I say as something against you when there's always the other side of the story you choose to ignore. You have to learn how to listen if you're going to learn anything. I don't have anything to tell you anymore that you shouldn't already know. I know you choose not to believe it, but that's your choice. I don't lie, especially not to you and espeically not about things like this. I know you're smarter than to listen to things that are embellishments of what I'm actually feeling, so I don't. Somehow, though, this doesn't matter.
I'm sorry to everyone else who can only guess at what I'm talking about. I'm too confused to write anything that isn't a letter to him, whether or not he's gonna read. That hardly seems the point anymore. It's just that you, darling, make me feel like I'm not worth fighting for; that if you can learn to help yourself then other people won't let you down so much. I can't have everything be about you all the time, and as they are more things are about you than about anyone else, but you don't see that. You choose not to believe you can mean anything to me because that's what's more convenient for you in these fights. I just don't know what I can tell you anymore that you don't already know. I just don't want you to give up on me and on this friendship.
I hate getting dumped.
6:54 PM
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Thursday, January 15, 2004
I have a time limit....
I just realized I haven't posted since before I got back to school. I don't know whether or not that's a good sign....
I'll elaborate on how things are soon. For a brief summary: It's like we never left. Everyone picked up where we left off, and it's nice not having to start over every time we see each other. It's refreshing to think that we'll be friends no matter what. It's like at home how we can pick up, but we have fewer breaks from each other, and it's not like we have a strong background for practice. But it's really good and I'm happy to be home.
For now, though, Josh has given me a 5 minute time limit to go to bed, so I guess I'd better be leaving.
Haha, I'm IMing with Mona 'cause she's too lazy to speak out loud, and I can still hear her IM noises since we both have our doors open. It's strangely comfrorting.
1:29 AM
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Saturday, January 10, 2004
Who would have thought....
So yesterday I hopped the El to go visit Gabe's place on S Michigan Ave. (editorial note: how the hell do college students afford a place on Michigan Ave?!?) There were other people meeting down there and so I wasn't really nervous about taking the train alone; I had Josh's mix to keep me company.
So about 1 or 2 stops in, this really hot (I'm not gonna lie) guy comes gangsta-walking (reminded me of Peter except he wasn't white) onto the train, headphones on, hair slicked back. I cought him making eyes at me so I started looking back to see if it would make him uncomfortable. Alas, he took that as a sign to start talking to me.
"Hey, do you have any rolling paper?"
"No, sorry."
"What's your name?"
"Nora."
"Hi, I'm Romano."
*smile and wave*
"So are you sure you don't have any rolling paper?"
"Yeah, I don't smoke."
"You know, there are plenty of people who have successful jobs, go to school, and smoke weed."
"Oh I know, I've seen it happen. It's just not my style."
"Oh, me neither."
"Right...which is why you were asking me for rolling paper."
And so on. I think I made him think I was going to the ghettos to visit my boyfriend, but I'm not sure. He made fun of me for being from Evanston (but knowing that I'm 19 didn't phase him since he's definitely in the low 20s somewhere...). When the train stopped at Addison, merely half the way I was going, he stood up, said, "It's been real," and left. I glanced over to where he was on the platform as the train started to pull away and he put two fingers up to his lips, kissed them, and held them out to the train.
Oh it's good to know that the El is a worthwhile place to get picked up by hot (creepy) guys. Good to know someone still finds me attractive. ;-)
1:02 PM
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Thursday, January 08, 2004
moffles?
I've been chill the past few days. Haven't really gone out much, just relaxin'. The countdown to Rochester has begun (just in case you were wondering, it's 3 days).
Today was the first day all break I got ahold of Elliot. It's sad 'cause we were so close for like a month over the summer then it just kinda faded away. I still like him as a friend immensely and I really wish I could have seen him this break, but he's leaving town for the weekend. So, instead, I went to see The Triplets of Belleville with Mom and Anna. Which is amazing, by the way. I think it'll be the last time my sister lets me pick a movie for her. It was totally not her style, which is more along the "Two Weeks Notice" and "Mona Lisa's Smile" line. This was a French animated film with nearly no dialogue. Slightly different.....
I can't even think of what else I've been up to. I've started having to say goodbye again, but that's not really anything new for us anymore. Hannah, apparently, got lost in my building trying to get out. She only left, mind you, in fear of falling asleep on my bed, and we all know what would happen if Hannah let herself fall asleep in my presence. *grin* Oh the nostalgia of mid-high school.....
OH that's what I did. I went to ETHS to visit old teachers. It's like nothing has changed. Yet. Bazile's gettin' old (59 on a week from Saturday) and forgot what year I graduated in, then spent nearly the entire period I was in his room telling me about some secret organization he's in that would get him out of any court case 'cause 9 times out of 10 the judge would be of the same organization. I love Bazile. I had to bolt out of the room or else I wouldn't see anyone else. :-)
Yeah time for Rochester. I'm excited to go see Too Much Light on Satuday (I went to see Second City Monday night and that was wonderful even though I went with Becca), but that's all that's still new and exciting. Wooo UofR!
11:52 PM
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Sunday, January 04, 2004
continuation
So when he told me that it was time to take him home, I wasn't ready to leave whatever sense of security he gave me. I drove away from his door, turned up the music, and drove north. By some weird twist of fate I ended up in Northbrook driving along residential roads noticing that there were no curbs nor streetlights ANYWHERE, and I crawled up and down each street in that pitch black listening to "Day That I Die", an awful song but somehow complimented the mood, and got really calm. The way that wave of everything washed out of me in that circumstance is now, and then, to be fair, terrifying. Everytime I glanced in my rearview mirror and couldn't see anything, all I could wonder is how comfortable the backseat would be to someone whose aim was to hide back there until the opportune moment came to jump out and kill me. Apparently this is a common fear for people driving alone in the dark, but it seems so illogical since, once the driver is dead, the car would just go out of control and it would be impossible for the killer to escape without someone noticing.
A little later on my drive I pondered what would happen if I came home and told you that I miss you. I can only assume your response would be "okay" or "we'll be back soon", or any number of things that isn't "I miss you too." Even if you don't, it takes so little effort to humor me for two seconds and four words of your life. And I'm not entirely positive that it would be a lie on all levels. I upset myself more by knowing this is true, and gave up to go to bed.
Then I talked to you today, seeing as how you seem to enjoy trying to make people feel better. Why do I always think this and it never helps? I didn't even bother muttering those words because I knew the answer, and you gave me a tyranted speech about how depressed you are and how nothing I could conceive of doing could help. For the record, when I tell you that I'm lonely, the incorrect response is to rub in my face that you don't care about me or my friendship. And I know that i'm probably wrong, as things seem to go with you, but it really wouldn't hurt to hear you say it once in a while. Just call me right now and tell me you care about me. It's the only thing I'll ever ask of you.
12:33 AM
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Saturday, January 03, 2004
Stop making it seem like it's my fault... you think I'm not hurting too?
Where is that girl and her olive branch?
If you want to be my best friend
Then show it
If you want to live inside me
Don't blow it
I don't want to stand in line
I don't want to waste my time
I just want to be the one
I don't want to be around
When you come down
I just wanted you to know
The roses always grow
If you want to hear I love you
Then say it
If you want to hear I need you
Then prove it
4:05 PM
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no title
Day by day I can't take this. Last night I found myself with a large group of people that I've never really ever had any contact with and who I was only spending the evening with by some weird chance. I picked him up, took him over, and we left as soon as we could. Our excuses were because he hates people in general and I wasn't feeling well. Both of which were true.
We ended up coming back to my place so I could take some medication and first laying on my bed while he read, then laying on the floor while we watched a movie. Every day I spend with him is beautiful. I can tell that he still loves me and I still love him, and none of that is in any way that means things should be different. We don't work together and my heart belongs to no one. But the only place I feel at home is lying on my floor with him massaging my lower back because I asked him to and he felt bad that I felt so sick.
to be continued
3:14 PM
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Thursday, January 01, 2004
2004
Another year. Ha. Dan wrote something about writing a lot of New Years Resolutions, but when someone mentioned that last night I went on my mini-rant about how that's still something I don't believe in. Either way, it's a good excuse to have a party.
A lot of people that were supposed to show up last night didn't, so it started out with just hannah, cam, erik, mike, nikki and me. We opened the fridge and saw the three cases of Mike's, and, of course, each took one. We moved into the dining room and someone proposed we make a toast to start off the evening:
"To the fam."
The rest of the night was wonderful - lots of mario kart and drunken checkers with Nikki. The ladies passed out around 1 asking each other "truth or truth" questions about what colors we're afraid of and if we ever wished our families to be different. Everyone was honest because everyone was half asleep. Then Hannah left after 30 seconds because Nikki was breathing too loudly.
These are my siblings. I love you all to death and I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful New Years. This is another year we had together. Thank you.
5:05 PM
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